Enjoy the Moment

I've always been the big picture person in my relationship with Ryan.  I'm always thinking five steps ahead, planning, budgeting, making sure that all of the important and essential items fall into place the way I want them to.  I initiated the move to Dallas from College Station, I planned so much of the wedding, I spent hours on end wading through job postings for me and Ryan when we moved, I looked at hundreds of listings before deciding on which house we would buy, etc.

I'm really not good at the day to day details.  I've become slightly better at housework, errands, and other such day to day items in large part because of Ryan.  A few times Ryan half-jokingly would ask me if I thought that things got done around the house by magic and, honestly, some days it felt that way when we first got together.  Fresh towels were hung, there were groceries in the fridge, dishes were clean and I had played no part in making those things happen.

That division of labor and priorities extends in to our relationships and it most certainly affects the way we interact with Alessandra.

I'm always more concerned with preparing her for some large future as a very successful grown woman but it takes a great deal of organization, effort and focus for me to prepare for the next day.  I'm the type of mom who's baby hits developmental milestones ahead of schedule because I have an overarching desire to push Alessandra towards new goals - and I'm also the type of mom that takes Alessandra to see Santa and has to carry her all over the mall because I forgot the stroller.  It comes naturally for me to decide regular and overarching things like "we will do tummy time each day" and "all naps will be limited to 1.5 hours" but when I spontaneously decide to visit my sister, her husband has to come back from his grocery trip with diapers because I showed up with a baby and no diapers.

Routine is wonderful for me.  I live for big goals. I love milestones. I delight in making big decisions.

I am so thankful that Ryan can see the nearer future and take care of - or remind me to take care of - the day to day things.  I especially love that his focus on the present makes him such a blessing to Alessandra. When he's with her, he can really be in the moment.  He can drop everything, lose sight of any big picture, and just enjoy the moment with her.

I know that Alessandra feels the difference.  I'm often pushing her out of her comfort zone so her new skills don't stagnate.  I developed and continually enforce her schedule.  Some days its just hard for me to let my baby be a baby.  I love that when Alessandra is with Ryan, she knows the pressure is off.  I'm not by any means saying that he departs from the schedule, or that he doesn't also encourage her to learn and grow. She accomplishes so much while she is in his care. He very much respects my ideas and goals and backs me 100% on my parenting choices.  The thing is, he can look at her and not think at all about the goals. He can focus on making her smile in that moment without wondering how this moment contributes to the big picture.  She delights in his company.  They have a very special bond.  Her face absolutely lights up when he comes around.  When she hears his voice, she starts searching the room for him.  Her daddy is one of her great joys in life.

I love that I can witness their relationship.  I love that Alessandra shares that connection with Ryan.  I love how much they can relax and just be joyful with each other.  And I love that their relationship is a constant reminder to me to relax and to not be so dead set on the big picture that I lose sight of the value of each precious little moment.

I know it drives Ryan crazy that I'm always taking pictures of their interactions but I'm sure he will thank me for it some day :-P

Making faces at each other:

Smooches:

All smiles:

Distracted by Daddy when there are so many toys to look at:

Giggling during Daddy kisses/tickles:

This face and this onesie say it all:

My Girl

Shameless proud mama pics because heaven has dropped down right into my arms:

Sitting up like a big girl in her crib-

Walking around her crib with Daddy's help-

Those darn teeth just need to pop!

Playing with new toys from Tia Elisa-

Playing in the new activity center that Grandma & Grandpa Hernandez got her-

Bundled up so we could go outdoors for a minute on Christmas-

Sleeping so sweetly (don't tell other parents of 4 month olds - she sleeps 10 hours a night)-

Prayer Life

The best way to be there for someone is to take care of yourself first.

I'm not encouraging selfishness, a desire for personal gain, a willingness to stomp on others to get what you want.  What I am encouraging is the second greatest commandment: you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

It took a great deal of time for me to learn to love myself.  I focused on others at my own expense.  I didn't know how to define myself in ways other than the role I played in the lives of others.  It took a therapist telling me that I suffered from depression as a result of my codependency for me to realize that my relationships weren't normal or healthy and that by continuing in them I was harming myself.  It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I wasn't loving myself as I ought to.

What does that mean "as yourself".  Why isn't the second commandment just "love your neighbor?"  Why is it to love your neighbor as yourself?

Is there something wrong with caring for yourself?

When you get on an airplane the stewardess/stewards go over all the emergency procedures with you and one of the things they always tell you is - if the oxygen masks drop down, put on your mask first, then put an oxygen mask on your child passenger.  Why? So selfish, right?  No.  Not selfish at all.  If I'm passed out, what good am I to the person next to me.  If I'm delirious, what good am I to the child next to me.  If there isn't enough oxygen in my brain, how can I protect the welfare of others?  How can I help you if my own need for oxygen isn't being met?

The same rules apply when it comes to being there in ways other than physical necessities.  When we have made sure that our own needs are met - that we're at a certain level of stability - we become better able to meet the needs of others.

I can offer my family, from my parents down to my new baby, so much more when I have made sure my own needs are met.  I offer a better service to my clients when I'm rested and prepared.  I am a better companion for Ryan when I don't have so much on my plate that my joy is stolen and I feel overwhelmed. I'm a better mom to Alessandra when I've given myself the opportunity to recharge and regain perspective in the middle of a very demanding week.  The people in my life deserve me at my best.  They don't deserve to always be in the company of someone who is run down, overwhelmed, who doesn't have time for them, or who can't focus on the joys in life.  They deserve to have someone in their life who knows how to love herself.

I used to pray to God - take care of me, help me not feel lonely, help me understand, help me see, give me vision, give me patience, let me believe in a future, help me help me help me me me.  I needed that.  It was crucial for my growth.  I was at a place in life where I lacked internal stability.  Now that I have it, I can turn my attention outwards.  I pray now - God help me be great for them, help me love them, give me the strength to help them reach their potential, let me not tire from choosing what is difficult but right for their benefit, let them learn from my patience - from my love for others, let me demonstrate inner peace so that my little girl knows its attainable.  Now that I'm whole, I have so much more to offer.

Reality

I want Alessandra to know love, beauty, goodness, kindness, and every other gift that God has created for us to experience and enjoy.
The reality is that I can't pick and choose what parts of life she experiences and I can't protect her from everything that is the inverse of the list above.

The best thing I can do for Alessandra is not to protect and shelter her from reality.  I need to prepare her for it.  I need to give her the mental, emotional and familial stability and background that will make her able to handle all that's out there.

I've struggled so much with reality.  From about age 13 onwards I've dealt with depression, loneliness, feelings of helplessness, and all other sorts of internal struggles.  Although it was a terrible period of about 7 years that I was pretty deep into those mental struggles, I'm now far enough past it that I can really learn from it and - God willing - become a better parent for it.  I know what my struggles looked like - the sleepless nights, the interest in very angry & frustrated music, the lack of connection to authority figures such as teachers and other adults, the bad habits, the lack of any vision of my future or of what I may look like in it.  I know that adults tended to dismiss my feelings - what problems can you possibly have?  you're just a kid. what do you know about problems? just think about something else.  Teachers - it absolutely blows my mind that not a single teacher ever reached out to me.  I fell asleep in so many classrooms because I was unable to sleep with my mind racing at night.  Teachers saw me go without smiling for weeks on end - disinterested, unenthusiastic, always tired.  I think they mostly left me alone because I was getting great grades in honors and college level classes all while still in high-school.  Grades told very little of my story.  I will push Alessandra to excel academically and financially - without a doubt - but those priorities pale in comparison to raising a happy, fulfilled, confident individual.

I hope I can help prepare Alessandra so that she never deals with depression.  I want her to know the beautiful things of the world so she has them for perspective before she is exposed to the bad in the world.  I hope she feels loved, connected, noticed.  I hope she doesn't grow up feeling lonely or helpless.  I want her to know that I'm always here for her - to listen - not to judge.  I want her to know that her problems aren't *just* children's problems but that her problems are 100% real to me because they are real to her.  I hope if she succumbs to some of the same struggles I went through, I can be there for her, I can get her professional help, I can at least recognize what she is going through and let her know that I'm by her side through it all.

I realize this post isn't the most heart-warming and feel-good post to write on Christmas Day but it addresses reality and it comes from a good place.  It comes from a place of parental love.  My desire for Alessandra is to equip her for the worst things I've ever been through.  I want to do what I can so that her worst struggles aren't what mine were.  I love Alessandra so immensely. I love her in a way that I've never loved anyone else.  It blows my mind to realize that other parents love their children the way I love her. It blows my mind to think that my parents love my sisters and me the way that I love Alessandra.  It especially blows my mind to reflect on the fact that God loves me and all His other children this way but on an even greater scale.

And the Greatest of These is Love

There is so much I want to teach Alessandra.  There is so much I want to shelter her from in the world.  The world is both so full of vice and so full of Goodness that some days the one makes me teary eyed and some days its the other.

When Ryan and I were in parenting classes we were asked what values or virtues we would want to pass on to our children.  I immediately thought about "our" work ethic.  Salvadorans are a hard-working bunch.  I was raised to believe in a sense of duty and I come from a culture which has succeeded so well in America largely because of our incredible work ethic. I know many family members who have jobs that would earn them big bucks in this country but they don't earn nearly as much in the Motherland in that job.  Why do they do those difficult jobs? They do it for reasons other than financial reasons.

I feel like my perspective has broadened so much in just the 6-9 months since we took that parenting class. Yes, I absolutely want to teach Alessandra to have a good work ethic.  I have a law degree, one of my sisters has a masters degree, another sister just completed 18 hours worth of coursework while working full time as a teacher and raising twin sons.  Aside from the credentials on paper, I could go on and on about my sisters' influence and successes.  There is no doubt that a contagious work ethic is passed down from generation to generation among Salvadorans.  But WHY does that matter?  What should we work so hard for?  Why should we devote ourselves so fully to these types of accomplishments?

The simple answer is others.

I feel a duty to be my best - to do my best - to always strive for excellence - for the benefit of others. Excellence in and of itself can and usually is a good - but excellence for the sake of others is a greater good.

I want Alessandra to care for others.  I want her to look beyond the end of her nose.  I'm not raising "my little princess". I'm raising someone hoping that she improves the lives of at least a few and possible many others.  I continuously pray that I'm able to be the best mother possible for her.  Why?  I want to maximize her potential. I want to plant seeds of kindness and compassion.  I want to show her that everyone is valuable, that everyone should have rights, that we ought to treat people equally.

I realize that not everyone agrees with my perspective.  I went to a Baptist university for my undergraduate degree and a Catholic school for my law degree and I know that some of my thoughts are unpopular or unconventional.  But the God that I'm acquainted with is a God of love.  He is a God of forgiveness.  He is the God that I will never deserve anything from.  He is also the God that loves me despite my flaws, despite my imperfections, despite my sins, my shortcomings, my impatience, my state of being *only human*.  I have such a beautiful life that I am moved to connect with Him every time I slow down and think about my blessings.

I don't believe that teaching Alessandra that a good work ethic in and of itself is the most valuable thing.  My response when asked what virtues or values I want to pass on to her has shifted slightly since then.  I want her to be moved to action because of that love for her fellow man.  I don't want her to work hard for the sake of working hard.  I want her to love her fellow man.  I don't want her to belittle, manipulate, take advantage of, or in any way harm other people.  I want her to be a blessing to them.  I hope they can look at her and know that being in her presence means being in a place of care and compassion and not being in a place of judgment or resentment.

I thank God for the opportunity to be a mother.  I grow as a person so much just by having Alessandra in my life. Yes, she's *just* a baby now - with all the accompanying lack of sleep, drool, spit up, diapers, etc.  But being a baby is just a temporary thing.  She will grow up into a toddler, an adolescent, an adult.  My focus isn't on being a good mother to a baby - it's on being a good mother to a person that will have the inevitable ability to affect the lives of others.  I want her to transition through the phases of life with the most positive effect possible.

Lord, never let me forget

Sometimes we're given the fortunate and unfortunate opportunity to learn from someone else's life experience.  This week I learned difficult news about the child of someone I know and it made me pause and think about things.  What am I doing with my life?  Are my priorities where they should be?  Does Alessandra have the benefit of everything that she deserves and everything that I would wish for her.

Would I prioritize things differently if I knew we only had 20 years left? Would I make more time for her now if I knew we only had 15 years left?  In some ways it's morbid thinking that we shouldn't set our minds to for too long but in other ways its important to ask these questions to ensure that we're reminded of the big picture and that we're living life authentically.

Lord, let me never take for granted and let me never forget the importance of every single moment with her.

The way her face looks, never fearful - always inquisitive and determined - when I introduce a new toy or a new challenge.
The way her face lights up and she smiles both with her mouth and with her eyes when she sees me in the morning.
How warm her perfect little head with its fuzzy coating of hair feels when I rest my cheek on it while holding her.
The beautiful sound of her voice when she speaks to me with a tone that ranges from excited to argumentative.
The way her little fingers wrap so softly around mine when I hold her bottle and she holds my hand.
The way she looks to me with those big saucer eyes when something is wrong and she knows I can make things better.
How quickly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts off to sleep when she's worn out and in my arms.

My heart now walks around outside my body.  I pray always for perspective, for strength, that God helps me be a good Mama, and that my little love always be happy, healthy & fulfilled.

A Week of Bliss

I took the entire week of Thanksgiving off from work to spend time with my family!!  I ran into some issues that kept the week from being as I had envisioned - some family members got sick, I had to do some catch up work from home due to last week's computer crash, and other life stuff got thrown my way.

Even though the week didn't go as planned in my mind, it went exceedingly well!!

The weather was glorious for most of the week so I got a good bit of exercise in.  During our walks, Alessandra either seemed playful or slept in her stroller.

Here's Alessandra looking down while riding in her stroller.  She was wearing her penguin knit cap from grandma Gosewehr.

More stroller time - she sticks her lips out often - usually with suckling movements.  It looks like she's making a kissy face!

I got more cuddle time and naps in with Alessandra than I'm used to.  It was so nice to just have time to slow down and enjoy our moments together.  I'm so often in a rush to get things done - dishes, bath, pumping, work, etc. - it was so wonderful to just take in each moment without worrying about what I had to do next.

We took some selfies to send to Daddy while he was at work.

Instead of just the enrichment hour that I usually strive for with Alessandra, I spent multiple hours per day working on her skills.  We worked on everything from vocabulary in different languages, to sitting up, rolling front to back, rolling back to front, and even standing and taking steps with assistance. Alessandra is such a determined little lady so it is always fun to see how much she learns and how much she pushes herself during our skill sessions.  Sharing these sessions with Ryan over the weekend was an absolute joy.  I love how his face lights up when he sees her do new things. I love how Alessandra always looks for him and smiles at him upon seeing his face.

Alessandra is working on learning to crawl.

She didn't mind sitting while she played with her giraffe.

But then she seemed unsure about the whole thing.

Rolling around is a frequent occurrence these days.

Alessandra likes sitting and standing on Daddy's tummy.  She usually coos at him and they make faces at each other.

Alessandra wants to walk like the big kids.  She knows she has to put one foot in front of the other but isn't stable yet.

For months, Alessandra has been laying in her gym daily (thanks to our friends SarMar) but she recently decided she prefers sitting or standing at her gym.

As I said in a previous post, I really enjoy what I do for a living so I'm not about to be a stay at home mom - but I absolutely look forward to vacation and making time for the important people in my life.  Now that Alessandra has entered my life, I just wish every day had a couple more hours so I could spend more time with her.  So many things came up that tried to get in the way, but I needed this past week with her. She is my absolute joy & I feel so blessed to be her Mama. Although I would like to take all the credit for the amazing little lady that she is, so much of the pace at which Alessandra learns and the wonderful joy she is to be around is just because of her innate personality.  She is my wonderful little blessing & I try to cherish every moment with her.

Mom Body

Two people commented this week about how I've lost all the pregnancy weight.  The crazy thing about it is, I'm not in a big rush to lose it all.  I gained 45 lbs total during the pregnancy!  I lost 26 lbs of that within 10 days of delivering Alessandra - it's impossible to lose weight that quickly so that wasn't really "gained weight" so much as baby, her habitat, and other retained water/swelling. Once that was off, it's been a slow decline from 19 lbs above pre-pregnancy weight to my current 8 lbs above pre-pregnancy weight.  I've been getting back into exercise and I've been eating better - with some indulgences with the reasoning that I am breastfeeding.  But now that I've experienced what my body is capable of I just don't see it the same way as I did before Alessandra.  I've never been one to focus on objectifying myself and I've never sought too much attention or focus on my appearance but I am definitely guilty of focusing on carving out "perfection" in my body.  I've set goals to reach a certain weight, a certain body fat percentage, and even a certain appearance - come on ABS!

Now I know how much of a beating my body can take and that it can bring forth the most amazing person in the world.

Pregnancy is a beast.  Childbirth is excruciating.  Nursing is exhausting.  I realize that people's experience can differ but I was not a "glower".  I was a miserable pregnant lady and it's been a slow recovery since I gave birth.  It took about 11 weeks before I really felt like myself again.

Timeline:
Trying to conceive - thankfully this period didn't last too long for us.  I only underwent one minor medical procedure to help the process along.  The biggest change was that I had to tone down my workouts immensely.  Taking the workouts way down and increasing my food intake made me gain a little weight but I still felt great.

The first trimester - nausea-ville, oh, and, sleepy-ville.  Every bit of joy that I previously got out of eating was gone.  I would eat to ensure that baby was nourished but good grief.  Most of the day I was trying to think about something else other than how ill and how tired I felt.  I was so tired it was unreal.  I would just fall asleep anywhere.  I even fell asleep in the middle of a huge family gathering up in Wisconsin.  It didn't matter.  I napped in anybody's house.  I napped in family's houses, in friends' houses, anywhere I could be still for 10+ minutes.  Putting in my hours at work took all my energy and there was just nothing left when I got home. Nausea and sleeping - day after day.

The second trimester - a welcome reprieve.  I had a little bit of my energy back and I got to where I could eat a variety of foods again.  I no longer had to eat bread, crackers & pizza to avoid nausea - I could eat protein and fruit without feeling ill or having indigestion.  I continued going for walks and lifting light weights for exercise.

The third trimester - Lord help me.  The third trimester I was a miserable person to be around.  I gained 27 lbs in the third trimester!  I hated being asked how I was doing.  Can't you tell just from looking at me?!  I look awful! I feel awful! It's all awful and this was a mistake and I hate everything. It wasn't the weight that made me feel awful - just the general toll that pregnancy takes on the body.
-I barely slept.  I'd wake up so many times during the night to use the restroom, because of heartburn, or because I was just plain uncomfortable.  I slept more after Alessandra was born than I did during the third trimester.
-Everything hurt.  My hips, my back, pain shot down my legs.  Laying down hurt.  Getting up hurt. Hurt hurt hurt.
-I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I was so puffy.  I retained water like crazy. I would look at my feet and my hands and they looked like rubber gloves that had been overfilled with water.  I bought bigger and wider shoes and would still have imprints from the shoes pressed into my feet at the end of the day.
-Laying down I'd get acid reflux, numb areas on my body, or felt like I couldn't breathe.
-I could barely walk.  When I heard the annual work trip was to the Dallas World Aquarium I immediately said I'd rather go to work that day.  Anything sounded better than being on my feet.
-Gosh it was hot too.  It was always so hot.  Stinky gross hot.  Ryan was always freezing in our house but I still felt hot.

The fourth trimester - yes this is real.  So many ups and downs.  My body was not immediately back to normal just because Alessandra arrived.  My hormones were all over the place so I'd cry and cry and cry over just about anything.  Ryan got to where he could sense the tears coming and he'd rush over and start comforting me before the first tear even fell.  Healing was so slow.  Without going into too much detail - an ENTIRE HUMAN came out of my body.  She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz.  I needed the full seven weeks of maternity leave just to be able to sit comfortably again.  It took closer to eleven weeks to feel "normal" again. Even now, certain things are just off.  If I make any kind of jerky movement my joints ache for a day. Breastfeeding isn't nearly as enjoyable as all the smiling beautiful pictures we're sold make it seem.  It's uncomfortable, it's messy-especially at first, and it is so demanding finding the time and energy to pump milk now that I'm back at work.  I know it's good for Alessandra so I do it.

I have so much more respect and appreciation for the human body than I did before pregnancy.  I have such a more positive focus on my body now that I've experienced all of that.  As soon as Alessandra was born I was like - wow - I spent the last 9 months making that perfect little being.  She's incredible and beautiful and strong.  Now that she's here, it still blows my mind that I keep her alive.  My body is what kept her alive while she was knit together and it keeps her alive now.  That just blows my mind.

I can really appreciate feeling good now that I've felt awful.  I can appreciate what my body can do and how well it can perform now that it's been through a long period of limitations.  I appreciate how my body looks now that I've worn it without even being able to recognize it as my own.
There's no part of my body that I'm embarrassed about.  I don't hate the stretch marks.  I don't mind that I wear clothes a size or two larger than before.  It's ok that I smell of milk.  It's all fine.

I made this amazing little person and she couldn't be healthier.  She couldn't be more perfect.  I will never hate my body again.

3 Months

Time has flown by. In some ways the days feel endless and like they all run together but trying to savor every moment means that all the busyness happens at such a fast pace.

Even though she is only three months old, I really feel like Alessandra's temperament and personality are already established and expressed on a daily basis.  Lucky for me, she is a very lovable wonderful little person!

For her daytime Halloween costume, Alessandra dressed as Baby Flo.

She sleeps well.  She's slept stretches of up to 4 hours since she was just a couple of weeks old.  Recently her sleep stretches at least 5 hours on a consistent basis and up to 7 or even 9 hours on occasion.

My sweet little sleeper.

She fusses little.  If Alessandra fusses I can almost guarantee she needs food, a nap, or a diaper change. I hear about purple crying, the "witching hour", etc. but Alessandra really doesn't give us any trouble unless she wants something very basic and her fussiness is very easily resolved.

She's easy to please.  For fun: Almost any new toy or new activity we introduced is fascinating and holds her attention for a long period of time. For necessities: Alessandra doesn't fuss about who gives her a bottle, what's in the bottle (we use formula on occasion), whether her bottle is straight out of the fridge or warm, etc. Alessandra will fall asleep in a variety of places in almost anyone's care.  She can sleep in her crib, in her swing, in my arms. I didn't realize how picky other children were about these kinds of things until now that I'm surrounded by other new parents.

She's social.  Alessandra is quick with a smile.  She allows anyone to carry her, isn't afraid of anyone, and loves to coo and smile at new people.  She can interact with anyone from a very calm soothing grandpa to an energetic 2 year old cousin and she is just as happy.

She enjoys being loved on by Grandpa Hernandez and cousin Isabella.

So many smiles.

She's determined.  It's amazing how I can show her how to do something and she will just keep trying until she can do it herself.  She doesn't lose interest easily, she remains very focused, and she does not give up until she does what she sets out to do.  It is so rewarding to help her learn new things.

I love so many things about her!  My precious girl brings me so much joy! It's worth all the work and exhaustion to get to share in this love relationship with this wonderful little person.

Time, Sweet Time

I love nothing more than spending time with Alessandra & Ryan.

Now that I share a life with them I finally realize how many other things demand my time.  I used to work out 9 hours a week.  My new ambitious goal is to work out three hours a week.  For a while there I cooked three meals plus a smoothie every day.  My new ambitious goal is to make dinner three times a week (with enough for leftovers at lunch the subsequent day) and maybe to make breakfast on Saturday and Sunday.  I used to schedule my hair appointments so that they took me away from work for a few hours knowing that I could do the work in the evening after a refreshing break. Now three hour hair appointments mean three hours away from the most precious people in the world.

My eyes have been opened to just how valuable time is.

There's no dead time now.  There's no time to just lazy around, considering and reconsidering what I may want to do, or doing nothing at all. If Alessandra is home and awake I spend my time engaging with her and meeting her needs.  If she's asleep I'm probably taking care of something that needs to be done - like eating, showering, or trying to squeeze in some time with my other Love.

I just want it all to last longer.  I want to enjoy every morning giggle, every afternoon cuddle, every new skill without knowing that there are ten other things to get done.

Working Mom

If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing well.  This is my general attitude towards anything that takes up my time.  Why do something at all if I'm not going to do it well??  I only have so much time.  I should devote my time to things that will be great, right?  This attitude affects the kind of worker I am.  I'm someone with very high expectations.  I look - not for things to be good enough - but for them to be excellent.  I'm a perfectionist.  I'm an alpha.  I take my time and make sure things are done correctly.  I have no shame about that.  It's who I am.  I embrace it.

But having this attitude now that I'm a working mom is a challenge.  I'm not saying it's an impossible attitude to maintain or that I feel forced to choose either my career or my home life- I'm just much more aware of how my time is spent and I want to make sure that everything is in its proper place. I want to devote my energy to the things that are deserving.

My job is demanding.  It's been demanding - that's nothing new.  It's fast paced, it demands full attention, it pushes me out of my comfort zone and there's often a good deal of money riding on how well I perform.  But before, my job was demanding and I had fewer other endeavors to take away from it.  I had less in my life to challenge the amount of time I devoted to my job.  Now that Alessandra is here, I want to be excellent at my job AND I want to be the Best mom I can be.

How do I do it?  Where's the balance?  Honestly, I don't think there's a hard and fast answer to how to be a great mom and a great worker.  Each new day brings new challenges, new demands, and the balance will probably tilt more towards work and then back more towards family over and over without every being exactly perfect.  I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with MY BEST - even if that's not perfection.

I see work differently now.  It's part of my identity - as it was before - and it brings my life great meaning.  But there's something bigger at play now.  I'm replaceable at work.  There are better lawyers than me.  There are people who do a better job at keeping clients happy.  There are lawyers who have won more favorable jury verdicts in the last 12 months.  Although I will always do my job well - for so long as it's worth doing - I'm just one of many at work.  I can't lose sight of that.  That is my new perspective.

Alessandra is now a bigger part of my identity.  Mommy is the title that I wear now with utmost pride.  Of everything I've done with my life, being a mom has the most meaning.  I'm not replaceable to Alessandra.  No one will ever worry about her like I do or devote so much time to her like I do.  No one carried her and loved her and dreamed of her future so much like I do.  If you're not satisfied with your lawyer, you can get a new one.  Alessandra only has one mommy and that's me.  I'm the only mommy she has and I need to appreciate, acknowledge and embrace that.  Being the best mommy that I can be to her is now the great challenge and focus of my life.

There's no denying that parents are important.  I can't downplay how much the home life matters. I know how much my parents meant to me.  I know that so much of who I am is because of their great example and I can't ignore the fact that I was also shaped by their mistakes.  I want to be great for Alessandra because I know how much who I am and what I do matters.  If something benefits her, I want to make sure I do it.  I will easily give something up if I know her well being requires it.  Exhaustion doesn't matter.  Cost doesn't matter.  Other people's judgment doesn't matter.  I'm sure I will make mistakes as a mom.  I'm human.  I'm not perfect.  But honestly in some ways it's actually easy and it comes naturally to be a mom.  Being around her - hearing her perfect little voice - looking into those enormous sweet eyes - having her delicate little hand wrapped around my finger - I feel so ready to take on the world - I feel so revved up and eager to make things happen - I feel so empowered and motivated to be my best.  I feel so focused.  She's now the reason for what I do in so many ways.  She's the new reason I want to succeed at work.  She's another reason I want to be healthy.  It's partly for her benefit that I need to show Ryan love, respect, and gratitude and to be a good wife to him.  She's the fuel behind my prayers each night.  She's added depth and meaning to so many of the things that were already great in my life.

I love her.  I will tell her often but I hope she can see it in all that I do.

A New Mom's Day

This is a sample schedule for how I spend my day:

10:35p-3:45a sleep
3:45 diaper
3:50 bottle/pump next meal
4:15 soothe/get to sleep
4:35-6 work
6 shower/eat breakfast/makeup
6:40 clean bottles
7:00 finish getting ready for work
7:20 bottle/pump next meal
7:50 diaper/change clothes
8:05 clean pump equipment/pack diaper bag, pack work bag, pack pumping equipment
8:20 off to grandma's for childcare
8:40 drive to work
9a-5p work - two pumping sessions at work
5 to grandma's to get baby
520 drive home
545 dinner & time with Ryan (if Ryan isn't late & Alessandra allows)
615 bottle/pump next meal
645 play/bonding/learning time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
815 varied: clean bottles/do laundry/rest if possible/Alessandra naps/hold or cuddle her while she naps
915 bottle/pump next meal
940 bath time for Alessandra
10 dress/swaddle/soothe until sleeping

Repeat.

A few points about this post:

First, this by no means is meant to convey that Ryan doesn't have a busy day as well.  He gets a slightly later start most days between 6 and 6:30am but he usually stays up a bit later than me to ensure that Alessandra stays asleep after I conk out at night, He also regularly covers one or more of the above tasks to help me out during the day in addition to completing his own to-dos such as laundry, dishwashing, and grocery shopping. There are also various small things he helps with like changing diapers and ensuring that Alessandra isn't fussing.  They have a very special bond.  He regularly spends time making her smile in the morning while I'm cleaning bottles or getting ready and he almost always joins in on play/bonding/learning time in the evenings.

Second, I love being a Mommy. I just wish there were more hours in the day! I wish I had ten times as many hours to spend with Alessandra! Work keeps me pretty busy but I try to sneak away to hang out with my favorite girl when possible.  My schedule is slightly more flexible on Wednesdays so I usually pick Alessandra up an hour early on Wednesdays so we can have more play/bonding/learning time.  I also wish I had about an hour a day more for myself. Recently, I'm trying to make time to cook more and exercise - but currently exercise only happens on the weekends.

Third, thank you Lord for the day of rest! I look forward to weekends like I never looked forward to them before.  I"m so thankful that I have at least a couple of days a week when I can take naps during the day, spend more time enjoying Ryan's company and, of course, spend more time with my precious girl.

Now y'all know how I spend my day!

Daddy's Girl

Now that Ryan is no longer sick and he is home from his fun business trip to New Orleans, he has definitely made up for lost time with Alessandra.  We've always been a team as far as taking care of Alessandra but since his return from NOLA he has really gone above and beyond.  He often tries to make Alessandra laugh throughout the day, he carries her around with her head popped up over his shoulder showing her the world, and he is often the one who soothes her when she gets worked up - he even calmed her down after painful 2 month immunizations while I cowered in the corner.

Ryan held Alessandra most of the evening after her two month immunizations:

One day this week, Ryan spent the entire day at home with Alessandra while I was at work! At first, I was worried about it.  I wasn't worried that Alessandra wouldn't be well taken care of.  I was worried that Ryan would be stressed out, overwhelmed, or just uncertain of what to do.  Well, I had no reason to be worried. Alessandra and Daddy had a GREAT day together!  Throughout the day he sent me various photos and videos to show me how things were going and each time I was more and more impressed.  Alessandra had the biggest smile on her face & his voice sounded pleasant and jovial. They spent much of the day playing, doing tummy time & bonding with each other. And as a bonus, when Ryan wasn't entertaining and caring for Alessandra, he got so much housework done!

Smiles early in the morning while Daddy talked with her:

Working hard during tummy time:

More smiles for Daddy:

I love seeing the two of them together. My bond with Alessandra was instantaneous & began way back when she was just a bump in my tummy but Ryan's bond with her is one that has taken time to grow and develop. From the start he has been eager for her to get past the newborn stage & become more interactive. Well, it's happening! She follows him around the room with her eyes. She pouts (without crying) when she wants his attention, and she smiles So Much for him. It makes me a little bit jealous & a lot happy.

I knew years ago that I'd eventually want a child & after all the heartbreak in 2008 I knew it was so important to marry someone who wouldn't just be a good partner for me - my husband had to also be someone who would become a great dad.  It's easy to see the world with rose colored glasses when you're in love, but I definitely stepped back & asked myself if this person I loved so much would be a great parent. It's easy to be focused on our own happiness but someone can be a great spouse & a good person without wanting or being able to become a great parent.

I'm so grateful for Ryan. He is an excellent dad! Without hesitation he will pop up at Alessandra's tiniest whimper to make sure she's ok. He'll push through exhaustion like I've never seen him do before to ensure that her needs are met.  He is always talking about what he wants to teach her & about experiences he wants to share with her. I know that even when I'm not around - or, God forbid, without me - Ryan does a great job of raising Alessandra.

The Best Thing

Obviously I am absolutely smitten with Alessandra.  She is so precious to me.  So much of what she does is SO CUTE.  When I'm not busy cleaning her bottles, changing her clothes, or completing some other necessary to-do, I enjoy her smile, her little voice, how she looks at me with those big eyes.  It is absolute bliss to cuddle with her as we enjoy each other's warmth & doze off.  I feel so proud when I see her learn to do something new.

I just really enjoy her company.  She is the best part of my day, of my life, the greatest gift God has given me.

But I haven't forgotten the rest of my life.

She is not everything to me.  I also have my other interests.  I have other important people in my life.  Other people and things bring me joy, excitement, amusement.

I don't want to give up my job any time soon.  I enjoy what I do for a living and I want to continue to do it - even though it takes me away from Alessandra!

I look forward to opportunities to spend time with Ryan.  As much as I adore my Alessandra, I adore my Ryan too and I need opportunities to talk to him, joke with him, flirt with him.  

I already filed vacation letters with the Court and I'm planning to travel and sight see in at least two other cities in 2015.  I want to continue to explore the world.

The fact that I earned the very important title of mommy doesn't require that I give up my intellectual life, my role as a wife, my sense of adventure.  I was a whole person before Alessandra and I am a whole person now.  She comes before everything else and I will always make whatever sacrifices I need to make to see her succeed - without a second thought.  But being a good mom does not require that I give up every other part of my identity.  I honestly believe that she will benefit from having a mom who has her own sense of identity, apart from just seeing herself as mommy.

Not everyone gets to be a mommy.  I don't take it for granted.  I pray so much more now that Alessandra is here - I have a reason to be thankful a thousand times a day and I have someone to focus prayerful love on a thousand times a day.  She matters so much to me.  She brings me incredible joy, worry, strength.  What happens to her affects me to my very core.  But I need to be a whole, balanced, healthy person.  I choose to be that.

Mama ready for work and Alessandra ready to go to Grandma Gosewehr's house:

That's right.  Ryan & I went out to dinner on our anniversary & left Alessandra with Hernandez Grandparents - even though she was only 6 weeks old!

Holding Alessandra while Daddy makes her laugh:

My precious Baby Bear.

And I Love Her

The moment I saw Alessandra- just her little hand reaching to the sky while the doctor was working on her - I immediately felt a thousand feelings and thought a thousand thoughts about her.  I know I'm supposed to love her.  I know it's my responsibility to take care of her.  My feelings go beyond that.  I want to take care of her.  I want to protect her.  I want for her to always know she's loved.  She's the sun in my sky.

Being a parent pushes you past your comfort zone.  Being a parent makes you grow.  It makes you humble.  It makes you walk around the world feeling so vulnerable because the thing that matters most to you isn't simple.  She's not a machine - she's not a formula - she's not predictable.  She's a human being and bring all the complexities that come with it.

I do my best for her.  I've always thought that if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well and Alessandra has brought that to a whole new level.  So many people offer me advice.  Some of the people that offer me advice have made a mess of their own lives and I have a hard time taking them seriously.  But I even have trouble accepting advice from the people who I love, respect, and admire the most.  I realize though that it's not their advice that bothers me.  It's not that I don't think they have valuable information to share.  It's just that I struggle with feeling like people don't realize how much I care.  I love her.  I always want to do what is best for her.  I want to give her the best life possible.  I want to equip her for the future as much as possible.  I want to do not just what is easy for me or what is comfortable for her - I will set those things aside if doing something difficult for me or challenging for her helps her be her best.  My real struggle isn't about accepting people's advice, it's with feeling criticized.  I'm struggling with learning the appropriate way to take people's advice.

When I step back and think about it, the most likely reason that people are giving me advice is that they genuinely want to help.  They realize they have information that I don't have.  They want to ensure that Alessandra gets whats best for her.  They want to offer me something that is helpful.
My pride gets in the way of seeing that when I am in the moment.  I feel criticized.  I feel like someone is giving me advice because they don't think I bothered to figure something out for myself.  I feel like someone is accusing me of not caring about her enough - about not loving her enough.  That's whats hard for me to take.

I surround myself with people that I love and respect.  I invite them to be in my daughter's life because I know they are a positive force in my own life and that Alessandra will be better off for knowing them.  I just want people to see the inverse.  I love her.  I am committed to her well-being.  I listen to everyone's advice - I do my own research - I listen to my own intuition - I pay attention to how Alessandra responds to what I do.  I want nothing but the best for her.  I love her.  I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.

I just need to wrap my head around the fact that people can offer advice without criticizing me as a parent and without thinking that I don't love her.  They just have something to offer that is helpful.  It's not about me.  It's about her.  It's about doing what is best for her.

Answered Prayers

When Ryan informed me that he was sick & I realized that around the time he was likely to recover he'd be out of town on a work trip, I felt a sinking feeling in my gut.  How am I going to do mom's job and dad's job until Ryan is well and present?!  I reached out to my family and to the mom's group that I recently joined asking both for help and for prayers.
Clearly I'm not a single mom. We're a dual income happily married couple raising our precious daughter together in our beautiful house.  We honestly have little hardship to speak of. However, with hubby being sick for days & leaving for a five day business trip, I got the tiniest peak into what it would be like to have to do this alone. We've kept Ryan away from Alessandra (and me) so that his cold doesn't spread & I've had to work so much harder to take on his tasks in addition to my own.  There's nothing like going without Ryan's help to realize how much he does for  us!! It's taken a great deal of planning to ensure that pumping, feeding, meal prep, bottle cleaning, etc. is all taken care of & that Alessandra gets the full attention that she deserves. There were a couple of times this week that I had to multiple task and a few times that things got put off for the next day. I really don't know how some moms do this without help from dad!  Typically Ryan does the dishes, washes laundry, grocery shops, and does various other tasks that free me up to do the hands on tasks with Alessandra such as feeding & diapering. It's been a bit overwhelming trying to take care of these things without Ryan and that's even with the benefit if our families.
Wonderful family! Everyone has taken a turn in helping out this week and I appreciate it greatly. My dad watched Alessandra twice so I could do chores & eat, my sister and brother-in-law took on a shift so that I was able to take a nap, my sister visited again so I could finish chores and brought me dinner, and my mother-in-law watched Alessandra so I could get clothes for my return to work next week. I don't know how I would have survived the week without so much help. Alessandra demands so much of my time & Ryan's help is what usually makes it possible for me to take care of my own needs. This whole experience without Ryan's help really makes me appreciate what I have. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a huge support system.

Grandma Hernandez cuddling with Alessandra.

Grandpa Hernandez is so comfy he always gets Alessandra to sleep.

Grandma Gosewehr getting to visit with Alessandra in her own home.

Tia Susie & Alessandra poolside.  Susie is probably plotting to kidnap Alessandra.

...This week I have to return to work while Ryan is out of state until Friday! I know I can do it because my family has already stepped up to help. I sure am looking forward to having Ryan back in town & in good health!!

Family Love

When I decided that I may want to start a family it immediately became important to me to ensure that my child would have access to all the love that extended family has to offer.  I saw the strong bond my nephews developed with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and wanted to ensure that my child got to experience that as well.  I didn't necessarily need to live "down the street" from family but I definitely wanted family to be close enough for a road-trip or weekend visit.
Everything lined up beautifully so that Ryan and I both ended up with jobs very close to both sides of the family.  We are now living within a 5 mile radius of both sets of grandparents as well as living close to both of my sisters and their families. I am amazed by how much everyone in the family loves Alessandra and how much they do for our family.  I appreciate the various gifts they've given her, the times they've helped Ryan and me so that we're better able to care for her, and I'm especially thankful for all the times they have visited her so that she knows what a big family is present and ready to love and care for her.  Right now she is little and not fully aware of the details of what goes on around her.  But as she gets older she will create memories with her family and she will have thousands of pictures to look back on and know that her family has always been there for her.  The family met Alessandra before she even left the hospital!

Alessandra's Aunts overjoyed just moments after her birth.  They were present when she came into the world.

Grandma Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Grandpa Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Gosewehr grandparents plus Daddy with Alessandra in the hospital.

The Greater Needs

Alessandra is growing like crazy!!  That means she is also very demanding!  She is a very sweet girl and, after hearing how other moms are faring, I've realized that she is a rather easy, predictable, "good" baby.  It's hard to admit that she's not as difficult as some other babies when most of my sleep is in two to three hour intervals, I eat most of my meals cold standing over the sink & I sometimes find it hard to squeeze in a full shower (my hair goes unwashed sometimes...).  But really about 95% of the time that she fusses all she needs is a diaper change, food, or her pacifier.  Her basic needs aren't so much complicated as they are demanding.  During the day we're on three hour cycles of feeding, pumping, diapering, soothing, etc. and in the evening she usually graciously extends those cycles to about five hours. It's a tough job.  I don't get weekends and evenings to recover or pursue other interests.  I'm hers around the clock.

I'm replaceable.  Anyone can meet those needs for Alessandra.  I can easily hire someone to meet her basic needs (hey, then I'd get some rest!) but I hope I offer Alessandra much more than that.  When I'm not physically taking care of her, usually during her naps, I am trying to figure out how to meet Alessandra's greater needs.

I often research or talk to other moms to try to find out what is best for her development.  Does crying it out benefit a child? When should I start tummy time? Should I help her to learn things or should I let her develop at her own pace?

I know there is no one-size-fits all answer to most parenting questions but I hope to learn from other people's wisdom and experiences.

The moments when I get to go beyond Alessandra's basic needs and meet her greater needs are my greatest joy.  I get so pumped up when I see her trying to do something that she previously couldn't.  I lay there on her mat during tummy time literally cheering her on and encouraging her as I see her try to lift her head, push up, or push forward.  I see her trying to fine tune her motor skills and figure out how to control her hands and make lots of excited noises so she knows mommy likes what she's doing.  I'm there to give her a big hug and many kisses when she gets so frustrated because she has tried to do something and failed.

Alessandra enjoying her swing.  It's one of her calm places.

 Alessandra on her first stroller walk around the neighborhood.  Grandpa joined us too.

 Alessandra learning to push up during her first tummy time.

I know these things don't change the world, but they get her one step closer to meeting her ultimate potential in life.  I want her to know from the start that I will always be there supporting her, cheering her on, and offering comfort when she needs it.

My goodness she meets my greater needs too.  I feel absolutely proud, excited, and happy with my life when she lets me just take it all in and enjoy her company.  It's such a blessing just holding her, putting on a good song, and swaying with her.  My precious little girl.  I know it won't last.  What lies ahead is great too.

Awful First Week

I'll be honest here.  Our first week as parents was completely overwhelming.  We had beautiful wonderful moments with Alessandra, of course, but we also experienced so many frustrations, tears, and felt both scared and helpless.  I'll start by sharing those and share the joys after the harsh reality.

We didn't sleep the first few days after we became parents.  So many people had told us that we needed to "sleep when the baby does" to make it through the newborn phase and we were absolutely terrified when we thought back on the first few days and realized Alessandra hadn't slept more than 30 minutes at a time. She was always fussy.  She breastfed non-stop, which the nurses told me was a normal thing called "cluster feeding".  I was left exhausted and bleeding from the excessive feedings.  She wouldn't poop.  The fact that she wouldn't poop was actually a big deal.  There were calls to emergency nurse lines, an earlier than usual second pediatric appointment & great concern overall over the situation.

At the hospital where she was cluster feeding:

 At home as efforts to exclusively breast feed continued:

 At the pediatrician's office:

After several calls with the nurses and pediatrician I was told to supplement Alessandra's diet with formula. I did not want to give her formula!! I want her to have mama's milk.  There was an immense amount of pressure from the hospital staff, the pediatrician, society and from myself to exclusively breastfeed. I've always thought of formula as chemicals - almost like a can of coke - and wanted to only give Alessandra what was 100% natural & meant for her consumption.  I was initially horrified at the thought of giving that to my new tiny baby.
I didn't argue with the pediatrician though and I did as she said.  I cried over the fact that I was giving formula to my baby but I knew I'd rather feed her formula than see her continue to cry non-stop and not sleep.  Once the formula was being used, I used a pump to see how much milk I was producing.  My sister was nice enough to immediately send her husband over with a pump (they take a long time to arrive after putting in an order).  I was so disappointed with the tiny amount that came from one breast and the fact that only blood would come from the other.  I felt like an absolute failure and immediately wondered how long I had been starving Alessandra by only giving her the tiny amount of breast milk that I was producing. It was so disappointing to have to deviate from my plan and my intentions for her but I knew I had to set aside my own ego and do what was best for her.  I was determined to breastfeed.  Even if I could only pump half an ounce a day, I was determined to try my best to give Alessandra as much of my milk as possible, so I started pumping every three hours.  Each time I pumped there was a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. With each extra tenth of an ounce that I produced, I was able to cut out a little bit of formula.  Finally, after so many pumping sessions, she was getting more of my milk than formula!
It has been very exhausting staying dedicated to the regular pumping and feeding sessions but it is so worth it to see Alessandra satisfied- to see her gaining weight, sleeping well and at generally at peace.  Now that Alessandra's food intake is straightened out, everything else - pooping, sleep, weight gain - fell into place.