Prayer Life

The best way to be there for someone is to take care of yourself first.

I'm not encouraging selfishness, a desire for personal gain, a willingness to stomp on others to get what you want.  What I am encouraging is the second greatest commandment: you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

It took a great deal of time for me to learn to love myself.  I focused on others at my own expense.  I didn't know how to define myself in ways other than the role I played in the lives of others.  It took a therapist telling me that I suffered from depression as a result of my codependency for me to realize that my relationships weren't normal or healthy and that by continuing in them I was harming myself.  It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I wasn't loving myself as I ought to.

What does that mean "as yourself".  Why isn't the second commandment just "love your neighbor?"  Why is it to love your neighbor as yourself?

Is there something wrong with caring for yourself?

When you get on an airplane the stewardess/stewards go over all the emergency procedures with you and one of the things they always tell you is - if the oxygen masks drop down, put on your mask first, then put an oxygen mask on your child passenger.  Why? So selfish, right?  No.  Not selfish at all.  If I'm passed out, what good am I to the person next to me.  If I'm delirious, what good am I to the child next to me.  If there isn't enough oxygen in my brain, how can I protect the welfare of others?  How can I help you if my own need for oxygen isn't being met?

The same rules apply when it comes to being there in ways other than physical necessities.  When we have made sure that our own needs are met - that we're at a certain level of stability - we become better able to meet the needs of others.

I can offer my family, from my parents down to my new baby, so much more when I have made sure my own needs are met.  I offer a better service to my clients when I'm rested and prepared.  I am a better companion for Ryan when I don't have so much on my plate that my joy is stolen and I feel overwhelmed. I'm a better mom to Alessandra when I've given myself the opportunity to recharge and regain perspective in the middle of a very demanding week.  The people in my life deserve me at my best.  They don't deserve to always be in the company of someone who is run down, overwhelmed, who doesn't have time for them, or who can't focus on the joys in life.  They deserve to have someone in their life who knows how to love herself.

I used to pray to God - take care of me, help me not feel lonely, help me understand, help me see, give me vision, give me patience, let me believe in a future, help me help me help me me me.  I needed that.  It was crucial for my growth.  I was at a place in life where I lacked internal stability.  Now that I have it, I can turn my attention outwards.  I pray now - God help me be great for them, help me love them, give me the strength to help them reach their potential, let me not tire from choosing what is difficult but right for their benefit, let them learn from my patience - from my love for others, let me demonstrate inner peace so that my little girl knows its attainable.  Now that I'm whole, I have so much more to offer.