Now I know how much of a beating my body can take and that it can bring forth the most amazing person in the world.
Pregnancy is a beast. Childbirth is excruciating. Nursing is exhausting. I realize that people's experience can differ but I was not a "glower". I was a miserable pregnant lady and it's been a slow recovery since I gave birth. It took about 11 weeks before I really felt like myself again.
Timeline:
Trying to conceive - thankfully this period didn't last too long for us. I only underwent one minor medical procedure to help the process along. The biggest change was that I had to tone down my workouts immensely. Taking the workouts way down and increasing my food intake made me gain a little weight but I still felt great.
The first trimester - nausea-ville, oh, and, sleepy-ville. Every bit of joy that I previously got out of eating was gone. I would eat to ensure that baby was nourished but good grief. Most of the day I was trying to think about something else other than how ill and how tired I felt. I was so tired it was unreal. I would just fall asleep anywhere. I even fell asleep in the middle of a huge family gathering up in Wisconsin. It didn't matter. I napped in anybody's house. I napped in family's houses, in friends' houses, anywhere I could be still for 10+ minutes. Putting in my hours at work took all my energy and there was just nothing left when I got home. Nausea and sleeping - day after day.
The second trimester - a welcome reprieve. I had a little bit of my energy back and I got to where I could eat a variety of foods again. I no longer had to eat bread, crackers & pizza to avoid nausea - I could eat protein and fruit without feeling ill or having indigestion. I continued going for walks and lifting light weights for exercise.
The third trimester - Lord help me. The third trimester I was a miserable person to be around. I gained 27 lbs in the third trimester! I hated being asked how I was doing. Can't you tell just from looking at me?! I look awful! I feel awful! It's all awful and this was a mistake and I hate everything. It wasn't the weight that made me feel awful - just the general toll that pregnancy takes on the body.
-I barely slept. I'd wake up so many times during the night to use the restroom, because of heartburn, or because I was just plain uncomfortable. I slept more after Alessandra was born than I did during the third trimester.
-Everything hurt. My hips, my back, pain shot down my legs. Laying down hurt. Getting up hurt. Hurt hurt hurt.
-I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I was so puffy. I retained water like crazy. I would look at my feet and my hands and they looked like rubber gloves that had been overfilled with water. I bought bigger and wider shoes and would still have imprints from the shoes pressed into my feet at the end of the day.
-Laying down I'd get acid reflux, numb areas on my body, or felt like I couldn't breathe.
-I could barely walk. When I heard the annual work trip was to the Dallas World Aquarium I immediately said I'd rather go to work that day. Anything sounded better than being on my feet.
-Gosh it was hot too. It was always so hot. Stinky gross hot. Ryan was always freezing in our house but I still felt hot.
The fourth trimester - yes this is real. So many ups and downs. My body was not immediately back to normal just because Alessandra arrived. My hormones were all over the place so I'd cry and cry and cry over just about anything. Ryan got to where he could sense the tears coming and he'd rush over and start comforting me before the first tear even fell. Healing was so slow. Without going into too much detail - an ENTIRE HUMAN came out of my body. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz. I needed the full seven weeks of maternity leave just to be able to sit comfortably again. It took closer to eleven weeks to feel "normal" again. Even now, certain things are just off. If I make any kind of jerky movement my joints ache for a day. Breastfeeding isn't nearly as enjoyable as all the smiling beautiful pictures we're sold make it seem. It's uncomfortable, it's messy-especially at first, and it is so demanding finding the time and energy to pump milk now that I'm back at work. I know it's good for Alessandra so I do it.
I have so much more respect and appreciation for the human body than I did before pregnancy. I have such a more positive focus on my body now that I've experienced all of that. As soon as Alessandra was born I was like - wow - I spent the last 9 months making that perfect little being. She's incredible and beautiful and strong. Now that she's here, it still blows my mind that I keep her alive. My body is what kept her alive while she was knit together and it keeps her alive now. That just blows my mind.
I can really appreciate feeling good now that I've felt awful. I can appreciate what my body can do and how well it can perform now that it's been through a long period of limitations. I appreciate how my body looks now that I've worn it without even being able to recognize it as my own.
There's no part of my body that I'm embarrassed about. I don't hate the stretch marks. I don't mind that I wear clothes a size or two larger than before. It's ok that I smell of milk. It's all fine.
I made this amazing little person and she couldn't be healthier. She couldn't be more perfect. I will never hate my body again.
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