Working Mom

If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing well.  This is my general attitude towards anything that takes up my time.  Why do something at all if I'm not going to do it well??  I only have so much time.  I should devote my time to things that will be great, right?  This attitude affects the kind of worker I am.  I'm someone with very high expectations.  I look - not for things to be good enough - but for them to be excellent.  I'm a perfectionist.  I'm an alpha.  I take my time and make sure things are done correctly.  I have no shame about that.  It's who I am.  I embrace it.

But having this attitude now that I'm a working mom is a challenge.  I'm not saying it's an impossible attitude to maintain or that I feel forced to choose either my career or my home life- I'm just much more aware of how my time is spent and I want to make sure that everything is in its proper place. I want to devote my energy to the things that are deserving.

My job is demanding.  It's been demanding - that's nothing new.  It's fast paced, it demands full attention, it pushes me out of my comfort zone and there's often a good deal of money riding on how well I perform.  But before, my job was demanding and I had fewer other endeavors to take away from it.  I had less in my life to challenge the amount of time I devoted to my job.  Now that Alessandra is here, I want to be excellent at my job AND I want to be the Best mom I can be.

How do I do it?  Where's the balance?  Honestly, I don't think there's a hard and fast answer to how to be a great mom and a great worker.  Each new day brings new challenges, new demands, and the balance will probably tilt more towards work and then back more towards family over and over without every being exactly perfect.  I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with MY BEST - even if that's not perfection.

I see work differently now.  It's part of my identity - as it was before - and it brings my life great meaning.  But there's something bigger at play now.  I'm replaceable at work.  There are better lawyers than me.  There are people who do a better job at keeping clients happy.  There are lawyers who have won more favorable jury verdicts in the last 12 months.  Although I will always do my job well - for so long as it's worth doing - I'm just one of many at work.  I can't lose sight of that.  That is my new perspective.

Alessandra is now a bigger part of my identity.  Mommy is the title that I wear now with utmost pride.  Of everything I've done with my life, being a mom has the most meaning.  I'm not replaceable to Alessandra.  No one will ever worry about her like I do or devote so much time to her like I do.  No one carried her and loved her and dreamed of her future so much like I do.  If you're not satisfied with your lawyer, you can get a new one.  Alessandra only has one mommy and that's me.  I'm the only mommy she has and I need to appreciate, acknowledge and embrace that.  Being the best mommy that I can be to her is now the great challenge and focus of my life.

There's no denying that parents are important.  I can't downplay how much the home life matters. I know how much my parents meant to me.  I know that so much of who I am is because of their great example and I can't ignore the fact that I was also shaped by their mistakes.  I want to be great for Alessandra because I know how much who I am and what I do matters.  If something benefits her, I want to make sure I do it.  I will easily give something up if I know her well being requires it.  Exhaustion doesn't matter.  Cost doesn't matter.  Other people's judgment doesn't matter.  I'm sure I will make mistakes as a mom.  I'm human.  I'm not perfect.  But honestly in some ways it's actually easy and it comes naturally to be a mom.  Being around her - hearing her perfect little voice - looking into those enormous sweet eyes - having her delicate little hand wrapped around my finger - I feel so ready to take on the world - I feel so revved up and eager to make things happen - I feel so empowered and motivated to be my best.  I feel so focused.  She's now the reason for what I do in so many ways.  She's the new reason I want to succeed at work.  She's another reason I want to be healthy.  It's partly for her benefit that I need to show Ryan love, respect, and gratitude and to be a good wife to him.  She's the fuel behind my prayers each night.  She's added depth and meaning to so many of the things that were already great in my life.

I love her.  I will tell her often but I hope she can see it in all that I do.