Grandmotherland

As some of you know, my beloved paternal grandmother has been ill in recent days.  I thank you for your prayers on her behalf.  I - along with many other family members who no longer live in El Salvador - booked flights, made arrangements for our families, and took off to El Salvador for the weekend hoping for a few more precious moments and memories with my grandmother, just in case things took a turn for the worst.

I thought I would return from El Salvador heartbroken, distressed, or in some way needing to recover from the emotional ups and downs of the journey, but instead I've come back inspired and filled to the brim with a zest for life.

The Lord has already blessed my grandmother with 98 years on this earth, and she has so much to show for it. My maternal and paternal grandmothers are the only grandparents I ever knew.  Unfortunately, my paternal grandmother lost her husband many years ago and my maternal grandmother raised her children without her husband. Despite not knowing my grandfathers, I have had no shortage of leadership, guidance, and love, at the head of my extended family.  Both of my grandmothers are strong and amazing women whose influence permeates all subsequent generations.

What does Nina Juanita have to show for 98 years on earth?

Strength. I've never seen my grandmother sunken into self-pity. She's endured various hardships, obstacles, and tribulations, and she has always done so with resilience and grace. Nothing can destroy her, and nothing can even make her have a doubt.

Devotion. There is no one who knows my grandmother who doesn't know - with absolute certainty - that her family has always come first.  She made things happen for her many sons and daughters through a devotion and encouragement that tore through all the expectations one might have for a single mother with a brood of children.

Love. My grandmother has poured such abundant and palpable love into the lives of everyone she has met. Her love is known by her children, her grandchildren, her great-children, and the many students she taught during four decades of being a teacher. More important still, she has demonstrated that love in a way that is a lesson for all of us.  By knowing her and her examples of kindness, patience, and encouragement, we have become better able to love each other.  I see the love she has shared with the world carried forward among my dad and his brothers and sisters, and I see it modeled and passed down to all subsequent generations.

Faith. My grandmother has so much in her life that she could take credit for.  Her sons and daughters are engineers, doctors, a judge, and serve in the military.  They've accomplished much on account of their mother's love, their love for each other, and their mother's incessant prayers and supplication.  I have yet to encounter someone in my life who prays more than my grandmother. Although we wish to keep her with us for as long as possible, so that we may all continue to benefit from her physical presence, the fact of the matter is that she has been with the Lord for decades. Her faith is constant, boundless, and she gives credit where credit is due for everything she has accomplished in this life. She doesn't have to leave us to go be with Jesus. She has been with Him for as long as anyone can remember.

It truly was a blessing to see my grandmother and my extended family, even if the trip only lasted for a moment.  I've come back to the States with a new resolve and a commitment to cultivate in my self what I so admire about my grandmothers. I hope that some day when my children and children's children think of me they list out some of the same qualities listed above.  I am forever thankful for the shining examples that my grandmothers have provided and I hope to pass on their greatness.

American Dream

For many people reading this, being American is a birthright. For me, not so much.

I'm extremely fortunate to have been born to hard-working, honest, intelligent people of great integrity - but my parents were not born on American soil.
I've told the story many times so I'll stick to the basics.  Due to his amazing amazing mind & tireless work ethic, along with the good fortune that so often drips down from Above, my Dad was transplanted to the United States by an American company in 1986. He came over with his young wife and three small children who knew neither the culture nor the language in a strange new land.

Fast forward a few decades and those small children all have college educations, a juris doctorate, and a few masters degrees between them.  Fast forward a few decades and each of those small children have an ever-broadening sphere of influence and pour energy tirelessly into parent/teacher organizations, at-risk youth, and organizations that empower mothers.  Fast forward a few decades and each of those three young ladies have been on the government payroll, selected for their educations, their enthusiasm, and the heart that they put in to all that they do.  Fast forward a few decades and you'll find three stable homes with happy marriages and healthy children.

In short, these three little Spanish speaking Salvadoran girls that my young parents crossed the border with all live the American Dream.

It was Outsiders that taught us what this Country stood for.  It was Non-Americans who helped us build the Dream every step of the way.  It was people who did not have this opportunity as a Birthright who cherished it, believed in it, and helped us to excel in it.  My parents left life as they knew it to start over in the United States. I am what they have to show for it.

I never thought twice about becoming an American.
I was in such a hurry to become an American citizen that, despite being the youngest, I was naturalized before everyone else in my family. I needed to be able to do all the things that come with citizenship. I needed to shuffle off some of the limitations that accompany LPR status.
I needed to be able to vote. 

I never thought twice about becoming an American.
I didn't have to. 
I became an American as soon as I understood what it meant, what it could mean, and how I could contribute to its potential.

I aspire to pass on what my parents instilled in me.  I strive to pass on the tradition of believing in ideals, in loving what something stands for, and of seeking to effectuate an opportunity's full potential. I hope to pass on the belief that an open mind, a big heart, and the satisfaction of doing good for others are what create a meaningful life.  I hope to pass on to my children, and those in my sphere of influence, this great belief in the American Dream.

The Moments We Were Made For

When we feel the rush of a great success,
When we feel the triumph of overcoming unfavorable odds,
When we have a notable experience with the ones we love...

There are times, milestones, seasons when we feel more alive,
There are moments when we feel more convinced that we are an intended being,
There are times when the revelation that we a critical a component of existence comes to the forefront.

The truth is, all the moments matter.

The Creator didn't sit down one day and purposefully create a life for it to have 34 years of build-up to one moment of meaning.  Yes, some moments are more memorable.  Yes, some moments have a special place in our heart.  Yes, some moments are so critical to our life experience that it's hard to even remember what life was like before the moment transpired.

But we were created for each and every one of our moments. 

The thousand decisions we make in a day develop habits, thought patterns, ways of being in the world.  The attitude that we emanate affects others joys, their successes, their faith in what is possible.  The small moments ultimately culminate in a demeanor that is or isn't able to handle or effectuate the more momentous and critical moments.

Live the moments you were made for - the easily forgotten ones and the pivotal ones - as if each and every one is the moment that you were made for.

A Bright Future

Ten years ago I walked across the stage at Notre Dame Law School. I shook the Dean's hand, I smiled for pictures, and I sure as heck made my family proud.

But when I see a picture of myself on graduation day, I see a young lady with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I had spent the month leading up to graduation praying, crying, studying, praying, crying, in and out of doctor's offices, praying, crying, letting all of my support people hold me up, and a bit more praying and crying.

I just wanted to crumble.

I had baby clothes in my drawers for a baby I'd never meet, my first marriage was in shambles, and but for the grace of God - and the mercy of some of my professors - I barely completed my coursework in that final semester of law school.

I had felt the same darkness before in life, but in times past I had often trudged through the dark spots alone, shutting everyone out.

I just wanted to crumble.

But I didn't.

I remember my roommate bursting through my apartment bedroom door after I'd had a methotrexate treatment. I simply fell apart in her arms. There were no words. Just weeping. Just letting someone strong carry me through brokenness.

I remember telling my mom about alternate plans for my future.  Plans that didn't require as much risk, as much vulnerability.  I didn't want to set myself up for another great fall.  I couldn't summon the courage to take the bar.  She so matter of factly looked at me and asked "how are you going to do all of that while practicing law?"  I had given up on myself but she had not - not for one second - even considered giving up on me.

My sisters cried with me, they got angry along with me, and they helped me start the tedious process of building myself back up.

Why am I sharing this?

- I'm sharing this for anyone else who is struggling.

Weather the storm. You never know what beautiful and amazing things lie ahead.

- I'm sharing this for those who feel alone. 

I thought I was alone for so many years when I wasn't.  I just had to learn how to let people in.

- I'm sharing this for those of us who feel like we always have to be strong.

We don't have to always have it together. We can fall apart. We can let others carry us.  There's no shame in that.  Regaining strength by relying on those who love us, and who want to be there for us, is a much more honorable path than suffering in silence.

- I'm sharing this because I remember.

I remember how hard it is to dream of a future that doesn't happen.  Certain happily-ever-afters were never meant to be, but I cherish the happily-ever-afters that I wake up to every day.

I didn't want to take risks.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I didn't want to set myself up for another great fall.  But my life is full, rich, and beautiful because, with the help of my loved ones, I did all of those things anyway.

Think About Such Things

Things have been difficult since November 22, but I find these moments of Beauty that sustain, motivate, encourage, and inspire me so that I can keep going through exhaustion, stress, and fear of the unknown.

My three year old has a mind and heart beyond her years.  Tonight, she oriented me in the right direction when, frankly, I felt tired, frustrated, and wanted nothing more than a break from it all.

Eva's recent illness has put me through many sleepless nights, lots of worry, a few trips to the doctor, fear for the worst, and generally has taken a toll on my day-to-day life.  If I didn't work for a firm as gracious as the one I'm at, I imagine I would have fared much worse in this particular period of time.  I am forever grateful that I have been able to be present for my baby through this time.

Tonight, I had enough of the worries and I had hubby administer our sweet Eva's breathing treatment.  It's hard to sit through your child's misery and I just wasn't feeling up for it. Ryan is as present and supportive of a spouse and father as one could hope for so he volunteered to administer the breathing treatment to Eva without hesitation.  I listened on through the baby monitor as he began the treatment.  I heard Eva began to whimper and whine. 

My heart breaks at hearing her cries.  I heard the loud and grating sounds of the breathing machine start pumping out medication.  And then I hear beauty and love through the voice of my little girl.

I heard Alessandra through the monitor.  

At first, she didn't understand what was going on, so she encouraged Ryan to stop the treatment.  She didn't want her baby sister to go through discomfort and confusion and asked Ryan to end it.

Once she understood that the treatment was for Eva's benefit, her goal changed.  Instead of having her heart set on ending the treatment, she focused on making the treatment as painless as possible. She tried to entertain, distract, and comfort Eva for those endless minutes through her breathing treatment.  

My sweet girl could have been downstairs playing with all the new toys Santa brought her.  She could have resented Eva for stealing all the parental attention - even if it was due to a hardship.  It never even crossed my dear Alessandra's mind to resent or ignore her little sister's hardship.  Instead, she took it upon herself to try to better the situation.

Here I am - 34 years old - sitting this round out, handing the reigns off to Ryan, praying to God, telling Him I just need a break from it all.  

Here is my 3 year old, stepping up to the plate, taking on someone else's problem, looking to protect her little sister or - at least - to find a way to alleviate her discomfort.

I thank God for the angels he has sent me.
Please God let me always be a worthy mother.

Philippians 4:8-
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Matthew 19:14-
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Que te Cuide Diosito

Alessandra is my little robot child.  We programmed her early on and now, if we just stick to the routine, she falls in line perfectly.  She slept through the night when she was a tiny baby.  She's always operated on a predictable schedule in a predictable routine.  To this day, she eats and sleeps on a very predictable schedule.

Her nightly routine is accomplished through a joint effort by Mama and Daddy (when I'm not out at work or attorney events...but that's for another post). Daddy gives her milk, brushes her teeth, changes her clothes, and reads her a book.  Once his portion of the routine is complete, I take over with a book or two, some songs, many many kisses, and blessings.

Each night, the last thing I say to her as I leave her room is "que to cuide Diosito".  For years she has accepted is a part of the routine and has never asked for an explanation.  Tonight, she finally asked me - "mama, what is that? what are you saying?"

How do you explain to your three year old that these four words are a simple and concise expression of my soul's cry that all be well with her for all time and in all ways.

-I'm asking God to watch over you.
-I won't always be there and I can't always see everything that you do, where you go, or what happens to you, but God can.
-I hope for your safety.
-I hope for your peace.
-I hope for your health.
-I hope that you flourish.
-I'm asking God for His help.

I prayed less before I had children.  But even now that I do have children, I realize there is something missing from my prayers.  There is something missing from my parenting altogether.  God hasn't given me charge over mere flesh and blood.  He has allowed me to participate in the growth, the flourishing, the teaching - the lives - of endless spiritual beings that He created with Intent and Purpose.

Recent events have brought to my attention just how much I try to take on the task of being a good parent in isolation.  Yes, I ask God for my children's health.  Yes, I ask God to help me be a good mother.
But how often do I pray for my children as spiritual beings?  How often do I ask God to be accessible to them?  How often do I pray that they experience the joy of a relationship with their Creator?

I send Alessandra to a Christian school each day, but do I receive her into a Christian home each evening?  She knows about spiritual matters, but how much is she hearing about spiritual matters from me?  Many people have interceded for her in prayer, but how often have I taken on the task?

I've taken it for granted that all is right with my child's Spirit.  The last 10 days or so have been a wake-up call for me to bring my children's most important well-being into focus and to address it purposefully.

I will continue to ask God to help me be a good mother.  I will begin more actively interceding for my children's Spirits. I am grateful that He has shown me one more way that I can do more for my children.

Little Mirrors

My two little ladies don't look a whole lot like each other.  I look at my sweet Alessandra and I see a reflection of myself.  She has my eyes, my dark hair, my big cheeks.

I look at my little Eva and I see someone quite different looking back at me.   She's just as sweet and just as beautiful as her sister, but she has her daddy's eyes, his coloring, his facial expressions.

It doesn't matter that one child looks like me and the other doesn't, when I look at them I see myself.

Children are an amazingly accurate and unforgiving mirror of your reality.

It's almost impossible to remain blissfully ignorant or oblivious to your bad habits, your shortcomings, your insecurities, your temper, your impatience, your loss of perspective, and every other bit of your humanity when you're in the presence of someone you love so much.
You know what you want to be for them and you know what you presently are.  You know that there is a chasm between what you wish to be for them and what you've been for them so far.

I want to give my girls my best.

My best doesn't come easy.  My best isn't something that happens naturally, effortlessly, or even consistently. My best requires working tirelessly.  My best requires acknowledging my weaknesses. My best requires learning from my mistakes.  My best requires humility.
It requires knowing that I'm the clay and, but for the Potter, I will never be the kind of mom, woman, example, or friend that I wish to be for my daughters.

My best requires consistently choosing the Good over the nice, the comfortable, and the easy.

My best requires losing myself and finding myself all at once.  Part of me is lost in the giving of my time, my energy, my thoughts, my hopes, my ambitions in giving myself over to love.  Part of me is found in the completeness, the purpose, the accomplishment, the satisfaction that comes from being love for them.

My little treasures.  My little mirrors.  Let me never lose sight of what matters.

Maternal Bliss

On July 7, 2017 we finally met the fourth and final member of our little family.
Evangeline "Eva" Aurora filled our hearts and our arms at an impressive 9 lbs 8 oz.

Isn't she a beauty!?

Pregnancy:
I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Evangeline in the same way I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy with Alessandra - feeling the minutes tick by, anxious to meet my little ladies, praying for a healthy baby and smooth delivery, and feeling the immense toll that pregnancy takes on my body in the final trimester.

Labor Begins:
I learned to fear and loathe the induction process with Alessandra so I was incredibly relieved when my water broke on its own in the wee hours of July 7.   Ryan and I ran around the house like crazy making sure all of our bags were packed and that we had everything we would need for the 3 day hospital stay. We're very blessed to have many family members nearby and my mother-in-law was at our house to watch Alessandra within 30 minutes of my water breaking.  I chose my sisters as my support people months in advance but, as they should, they have lives and commitments of their own. They both traveled out of town in the days before I went into labor.  I literally tracked my oldest sister through our iPhones right after my water broke and was so relieved to see that she was already on the road back to Dallas from Chicago by that point.

The car ride to the hospital felt incredibly long.  I wasn't in much pain. I was just excited, anxious, and ready to meet my little lady.  I called ahead and checked in and tried to mentally prepare for what was to come.  I labored for 24 hours with Alessandra.  I knew there was a good chance I would labor for several hours before meeting my new child, so I tried to get my head straight and prepare for the marathon ahead. I'm convinced that nothing can prepare you for childbirth.

Hospital Chaos:
We arrived at an overly crowded Labor & Delivery around 3am.  They didn't have a room for us so we waited in triage for an extended period of time.  Although I was certain that my water broke, they ran tests to make sure it was the real deal.  I was finally officially admitted to the hospital at 3:45am.  At around 5am I was finally admitted to a delivery room.  I felt so much more comfortable knowing that I could progress with labor in an individual room as opposed to a shared triage space.  At this point, I was in a comfortable space, my support people were nearby on-call, and I was ready to meet my little lady!

Labor:
I thought of myself as a strong person with a high pain tolerance until I went through labor with my first daughter.  I'm usually all about physical challenges, pushing my limits, and ignoring any desire to give up.  Labor is different.  I went into this labor with a mantra, with prayer, with much more control over my mind overall, but about six hours into the process I started to feel overwhelmed.  I requested medicine for the pain.  The hospital staff knew that I wanted as little intervention as possible and they never offered, pressured, or suggested anything that contravened my desires.  It sounds like a simple thing but I didn't feel like my wishes were honored in full during my first labor so this was a very welcome change.  During every step of the process- the nurses, anesthesiologist, ob/gyn- all made sure that I was informed about each option and medical intervention and only proceeded once my informed consent was received.  It was a very empowering labor.  It was my labor.  No one took control over it. I was in control of it.

I did it.  The hospital staff certainly helped.  My support people helped tremendously.  There were several times during labor that I had to close my eyes and just breathe and listen.  I tried to take the focus off everything I was feeling and just listen.  When I listened I heard nothing but encouragement and love. I heard my sisters' excitement that they would soon see their second niece come into the world. I heard my wonderful husband saying "you're doing great Hon".
I knew I was progressing.  I knew I was so close to meeting my daughter.  I blocked out all the fears, all the hesitations, all the concern for what might happen to me and was ready.

I pushed for mere minutes before finally hearing my tiniest lady's powerful cry.  All the fears about shoulder dystocia, baby getting stuck in my pelvis, a possible c-section, etc. were gone. Immediately upon Eva's birth, the room erupted with comments and jokes about her size.  She's a "rolly polly baby" (because she literally has half a dozen back rolls), "I bet she exceeds 4500 grams" (the cutoff at which many doctors will insist upon or require a c-section), "hurry up and clean her, I want to know how much she weighs".  Thank God.  She got her safe and I'm well on my way to a full recovery.

My family is complete.

Big Sister:
My little Alessandra has understandably struggled with her new role as a big sister.  Ryan and I adore her.  We spend countless hours thinking about her, planning for her, making sacrifices, changing jobs, reading books, talking to people, doing whatever we can to try to make choices that benefit her, to be caring and loving parents, and also to discipline her and prepare her for a challenging world.

We love Alessandra more than ever now, but she has to see us love someone else just as fiercely as we love her.  It can't be easy.  We try to let her express the big emotions she is experiencing, to nurture her as she adapts to changes, and to reassure her that our love for our new daughter takes nothing away from our love for her.  In some ways I know she gets it but the moments of doubt, fear, and jealousy are real and we will not diminish her experience.  We will support her and love her through this experience acknowledging that it isn't easy.

Most days Alessandra is our big helper. She gives her sister a pacifier to soothe her, she worries when she cries, and she sings to her as she sleeps. On the days when things aren't quite so sweet we just try to remember to love Alessandra even more gently than usual and to have realistic and age-appropriate expectations during this time of transition.

I don't know why God saw fit to make me a mother.  I cherish the privilege every day.  I have known no greater Joy.  I have known no greater Love.  I have known no greater Purpose.

I have known no other experience that sheds light so clearly on the Love that God has for us, His precious children, quite like being a parent.

He loves us in a way that is unfathomable. Loving our children merely gives us a glimpse, an idea, into what His Love is like.  I thank God for each and every day that I get to wake up, maybe even three or four times a night, and be a mother to two of His precious little children.

The Ordinary Days

I tend to write when I'm working through difficult emotions and/or difficult situations.  I've written very little in the last several months.  Honestly, I haven't written because I've  enjoyed and indulged in a time of peace.

There are often various sources of stress in my life:
- social expectations: business networking and enjoying time with friends,
- finances: buying a house, international travel, setting a budget,
- big decisions that can have a major impact on my family: selecting a school for Alessandra, finding a local church
- work/life balance: wanting my employer to know I'm committed and passionate about what I do, while knowing that I am irreplaceable to my family and that they will always be a priority,
- mental health: recurring bouts of depression and anxiety since I turned 13,
- etc.

Lately, none of my usual stressors have been causing me any problems.  I've found myself in a period of stability. There are a few things that prominently stand out in my mind about this period of stability.

One: My life choices got me here.

I chose to be with someone who is financially responsible, who encourages me to see my counselor and often goes to counseling with me, who looks after our home and our daughter - especially while I trudge through pregnancy, and who is generally good for me and good to me.  I struggled with co-dependency and self-destructive relationships for a long time and its nice to come home every evening knowing my partner through this life journey is such a blessing.
I planned well when making various financial decisions in the last several years so that we'd end up on a workable budget.  We've worked hard to pay down debts, avoid over-indulgence, and communicate openly about expenses so that finances aren't a constant worry.
I've learned to nurture and preserve social relationships that are enjoyable, beneficial, and/or otherwise meaningful for me and got rid of several toxic relationships.
I've taken risks in my career in the hopes of finding something that is a good fit for my lifestyle, skill set, and interests.

There is something really beautiful about feeling a sense of ownership over your present situation.  I know that much of my life was formed by my upbringing, my parents' endless devotion, my gracious and generous God, my good health, and even the privilege of getting to immigrate to America at a young age.  Even with those blessings, it was my responsibility to form my life into one with peace and stability and to avoid rash, short-sighted, self-indulgent, vain, or foolish decisions.  Whatever my life looks like, I take responsibility for it. It feels good to look at what I've helped build and to know I've made the most of my blessings.

Two: This wonderful & amazing period of stability in my life has allowed me to turn my focus outside of myself.

I've put the oxygen mask on my own face during this flight called life, and I'm now equipped to help my neighbor put their mask on.  By being less worried about myself, I can mentally and emotionally devote myself more fully to helping my friends through their tough times, helping clients deal with challenges, advancing the firm's goals, and just generally being a resource for other people.

It really makes me feel fulfilled and alive to be able to give of myself to others.

I love that my friends trust me enough to come to me when they go through difficulties.  I love that I get to work in an area of law where I'm fighting on behalf of others. I'm so relieved to be in a period of stability so that I can funnel my energy into being there for others and not spend all of my energy working through my own issues.

I'm going to make the most of this time of peace and stability.

Family of Four!!

I haven't posted an update in a few months... I stopped blogging right around the time we found out we are expecting our second baby!!

I know many women who handle pregnancy beautifully but I am not one of them.  I haven't felt well for the greater part of the last 3 months but I think I've finally reached a reprieve that should last for most of the second trimester.

We're due July 11 and there is so much we need to do to prepare for the new baby's arrival.  Of course we will need to purchase some baby essentials, transform a spare bedroom into the nursery, and prepare Alessandra's big-girl room.

We will also need to mentally prepare the whole family for the new arrival!

Alessandra is not excited about the new addition at this time.  She keeps telling me "no baby" and is not excited about the thought of a little brother or little sister.  I've seen her interact with other kids though - little babies and older kids - and I know that once the baby arrives she will be more excited about her new buddy.  She is very used to having all of mama and daddy's love and attention so I'm already looking into ways to ensure that she feels happy and open to the upcoming changes.  I've even talked to my counselor about some tips and techniques to help ease the transition.  I'm hoping for the best but trying to prepare for a bit of potential heartache on Alessandra's part.  I think the transition will be difficult but in the long run she is going to love having a sibling to play with.

I am a little freaked out about the new baby.  Alessandra is so self-sufficient, such a good sleeper, and is so easy to take care of all-around.  It's crazy to think I'm going to have a tiny baby that is fully dependent on me all over again.  We have to start from scratch with midnight feedings, sleep training, trying to figure out what is wrong with someone who can't talk, etc.  Despite the bits of fear and anxiety, I feel confident that I will be just fine with the second baby.  I know what I'm doing now that I've been through it all with Alessandra! Experience counts for something, right?

Ryan gets to endure the worst part of this transition now.  Life with a newborn isn't easy, and I'm sure the first few months following the birth will be difficult for him but I think the demands on his time and energy are at their worst while I'm pregnant!  I am so dependent on him when I don't feel well and he has had to pick up so much slack taking over many of my responsibilities from bathing Alessandra, to ensuring that dinner is on the table in the evenings, and trying to keep me as comfortable as possible despite the various pregnancy symptoms.  I am so blessed to have him in my life! I am sure he is looking forward to the new baby's arrival so he can have a healthy normal wife again.  Although he has such a good attitude and is such a wonderful dad and hubby, I'm sure he would love to take a nice long break from all of these demands.

We all have to be there for each other and this will make life even better for all of us.  We can't lose sight of what we already have just because we are undergoing a big change.  Alessandra will still receive so much love, encouragement, and she will always be my first baby, even if another little person has my love too. Ryan hoped for Alessandra to have a sibling for a long time and I know he is excited to have another little best-friend.  No one makes Alessandra smile quite like her daddy and I know Ryan will develop a special bond with the new baby too. I can't believe I will have a new person to love! The relationships with special people in my life are what give life meaning.  Everything else is transient and fleeting but my bonds with my family are what make life so special.  I can't wait to be someone else's mommy - responsible for their health, growth, and happiness.  We'll take good care of you New Baby!

Seeds of Fear, Seeds of Hate, Spark of the Divine

A little girl at the playground tried to ridicule and humiliate my daughter for speaking Spanish.

My immediate responses were many.  The protector Mama Bear came out and I wanted to save my daughter from the situation.  I felt pure shock and my jaw hit the floor.  For a moment I felt responsible for what she was experiencing. I taught her Spanish, after all.  I heard a stranger (not the child's parent) chime in to try to diffuse the situation by encouraging the little girl to consider that it may be a good thing to speak both English and Spanish.

I took a deep breath and did not intervene.  I watched how Alessandra responded.  She smiled at the other little girl, sat next to her, said "Hi", and introduced herself.  For now, at least, Alessandra's own innocence meant she wasn't negatively affected by someone trying to degrade her.

Lord help me never to sow seeds of fear or hate in my child.  

It's not us versus them.  It's not familiar versus other.  It's just all of God's lost creatures discovering the spark of the Divine and trying to find their way through this mess together.

I can't shield my daughter from the world.  She will almost certainly go through much worse experiences - as I have - but, God-willing, she will come out of those situations with more wisdom, more love, and more compassion then she had before.

Our children are a blank slate.  They are innocent.  They know some level of selfishness, of course.  But what they don't know is prejudice, bias, and hate without being taught.

I pray to God every night to help me make good decisions.  If I can just make good decisions and set the right example for my daughter, maybe I can help build a foundation so strong that she can weather any storm, know her worth, and stand firm in her convictions.

My daughter.  Let me not show you the darkness. Let me show you the Light.

You were made for Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Far From Perfect

I'm very grateful for what I have in my life and I'm proud of where I've ended up, but there are days that are filled with endless struggle.

It can be a very frustrating, intimidating, overwhelming, or even terrifying to take a long hard look at yourself. What's even more overwhelming is those times that you're not afforded the luxury of choosing whether or not to take a long hard long into the abyss - you feel stuck there.  You're stuck in repetitive thoughts.  You're stuck in self-defeating behaviors.  You're stuck in sour relationships.  You're stuck in a feeling or a thought that you just can't seem to shake.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I've relied on my family to get me out of the depths.  I've been blessed with a few great friends who've sought me out when I got lost in the darkness.  I've had a powerful God to turn to for warmth at times when I just felt numb.  And, yes, I have reached out to mental health professionals at multiple points throughout my life.

I feel no shame, no weakness, and no less proud of what I've done with my life just because I sought professional mental health when I needed it.  In fact, it's something we should encourage in others and be proud of.  

The person most capable of taking care of me is me.  The person most able to figure out when I've had enough and I need assistance is me.  It's my responsibility to make sure that I'm okay.  It's my responsibility to reach out for help when I'm not okay.

Doesn't my daughter deserve the healthiest me?  Doesn't my community benefit from what I do the most when I am the healthiest me? Don't I owe it to myself to be the best me possible so I can be the best vessel for God's work that I can possibly be?  If I'm using all of my energy fighting my own demons and focusing so much of my mind space on my internal struggle, how can I turn my attention outwards and help others?

It's World Mental Health Day and I just want to encourage anyone who is going through what I've been through or who is fighting their own internal battles to reach out for help.  I would love to hear from you and support you.

It Takes a Village

Ryan goes on a business trip for one week every year.  Every year I humble myself, admit my limitations, and rely heavily on my village in order to survive the week.

My village consists of...

My mother-in-law - who cares for Alessandra three full work days per week and half days two days per week. Alessandra is so attached to Judy and really looks forward to going to grandma's house.

The church daycare - who care for Alessandra the other two half days.

The Hernandez side of the family - who invite us to dinner, join us for recreation around the neighborhood, and otherwise help me burn off Alessandra's energy.

My boss - who understands when I need to arrive late, leave early, make up time, or have a worried look on my face because I'm trying to be a good mom.

My fellow young moms - who check in on me daily, offer tips for helping a child adapt to a missing parent, and generally commiserate about the challenges of motherhood.

Boston Market (chicken), Chick-fil-a (chicken strips), Braum's (chicken strips...yes my daughter likes chicken that much) - who save me from burning food or, worse yet, burning my child while cooking.

Outside - for generally having a calming affect on my child while remaining intriguing.

The TV - for entertaining my child while I run around like a crazy person in the morning trying to pack Alessandra's lunch and put on my makeup.

The car-seat -  for lulling Alessandra to sleep so I don't have to sing the alphabet, Bingo, or the itsy-bitsy spider for the 10th time during our car ride home.

The pacifier - for assisting in bribing my child into brushing her teeth at night with less of a war than usual.

Jesus - for hearing my hundredth "oh no!" and thousandth "THANK YOU" every single day.

I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything but I sure appreciate and miss hubby.

Happy in Daddy's arms:

Blowing kisses to Daddy over face-time:

Visiting Mama at work:

Being a lawyer is exhausting:

Authentic Self

Does fulfilling your obligations feed you and/or does it drain you?

There are so many demands on our time, energy, and money.
We have so much to take care of, so many people to please, so many expectations to meet.

It's a beautiful thing when you can mark all the items of the to-do list (for the day!), meet all your deadlines, and meet everyone's expectations and feel peaceful, fulfilled, and energized by the process.

There are millions - no, billions - of people in this world for which I am a poor substitute.  I was Given certain sensitivities, interests, strengths, skills, and gifts so that I could do all those things that were written into my story before I was even born.

Even in the gifts, even in the Blessings, even in the self-actualizing, fulfilling, amazing moments in life there will be obstacles, there will be challenges, there will be negativity - but when you're doing something that allows you to be uniquely you, it's so worth it.

Some people don't have it yet.  Some people don't have the answer to the questions - What are you passionate about? What makes it all worthwhile for you? What's your purpose?

There are levels of answers.  We have spheres of influence.  We have to interact with people to whom we mean the world, we are neighbors to people who we may know only for a moment, we are the child of Love walking though existence with an awareness of the Sacrifice he sent for us - specifically, not generally - meant to fulfill timeless purposes.

I'm here to be mama bear to little lady and to my hubby in a way that only I can.  I'm here to look in a client's eyes or a juror's eyes in a way that only I can. I'm here to carry a spark of the Divine in a way that only I can.

It's ok if you haven't found that passion yet - that completeness - that meaning.  It doesn't mean there isn't such a thing in store for you.  A gift may be only a gift that lasts for a season.  There may be various destinations along this journey.  Maybe you had a season of Blessing and now you are in transition.  Keep yearning.  Keep searching.  Keep experimenting.  Keep stepping out of your comfort zone.  Keep surrendering to something larger than yourself.  There is something(s) to be found that is worth fighting for.

Women

For some time now, I've been involved in various groups tied to the legal profession. However, I recently joined a "girl attorney" group (their words not mine).

Ready? Here's my rant:

I don't consider myself a "girl".
I love that there is a word for senorita and a word for senora, a Ms. and a Mrs, a miss and a ma'am. I am a grown person and a far cry from the young girl I once was.  I am a WOMAN. I embrace it.


The struggle is real.
* Yes, I too struggle with working-mom-guilt. Yes I wish I had more time for my child.
* Yes, I too struggle with self-consciousness about my appearance. I get the "what is your make-up routine" posts and the "what should I wear on non-court dates at the office" questions.
* Yes, I too deal with men from archaic times who don't understand how a being with a womb could possibly be a lawyer and not a legal assistant.  I've been asked if I'm a legal assistant, a court reporter, an interpreter (I'm a latina after all), and a criminal defendant.

But what do we DO about it? What do we MAKE of the circumstances?  How do we stand up AGAINST and TO this presumption that we're "just girls"?

I remember being a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 2L.  I managed to get awesome summer jobs during law school.  I'd walk in on the first day of employment, eager as could be, and the other attorneys in the profession would ridicule, envy, and spite me.

In so many ways, I now know better.  I know that judges with bias exist.  I know that unreasonable juries are a reality.  I know that great cases can be destroyed with clients with public speaking deficits.  I'm in tune with the complexities and realities of litigation, but, Lord help me, I will never lose the fire in my belly and the sparkle in my eyes.

I know that, come what may, no matter the challenges, no matter the nay-sayers, the envious, the spiteful, or the ignorant, I will give my best.  Win or lose, I chose the role I play.  I have control and ownership over my role and that can never be taken from me.  My clients can trust me to be what I've sworn to be - their zealous advocate.

Gender neutral.
Whose advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Who is the advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Zealous advocate.

I am but one person.  I cannot change the hearts of man. I cannot make the world just.  I cannot stomp out evil simply by willing it.

I can give my best. I can deliver on my commitments.  I can prepare.  I can pray to the infinite Being to be my Path, my Guide, my Wisdom, and my Heart.

I can show up, look sharp, and not back down - just as I promised myself in the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed days a decade ago.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Bring a person/being/object you love into focus.

Set a timer (or not).  Clear out all the chatter and all the to-dos.  Let your mind be saturated and consumed by the goodness that this particular blessing has brought into your life.

Hello perspective.  Hello gratitude.  Hello peace.  Hello ebbing and flowing of love.

One step further, the Origin of this blessing.

Perspective.  Gratitude.  Peace.  Love.

Something Divine

The world comes at us with its efforts to lure, confuse, enrage, seduce, divide, and appease.  Something as simple as scrolling through Facebook or joining co-workers at the proverbial water-cooler, can launch us into unproductive thought and conversation.  As Christians, we have instructions about how to treat our mind and on what to do with it.  We're given instructions as to the proper Objects on which a mind should focus.

One such instruction-
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Why?  Why is it important to fill our minds with these things?

First, its not that we're not to acknowledge or be proactive about problems in the world.  We are to be in tune with reality and to be leaders within our sphere of influence.  That call to be in the world and to make it - a little bit more each day - look like the place God willed for us is exactly why it matters what is displayed in the panoramic screen of our mind.

What is your motivation? Where does your strength lie? Do you fight for something, or only ever against? What do you seek to create? What were you born to do?  How do you define the very things you want to become?  Are you already some version of those things?  

How can I pass on to others what is true, what is pure, and what is worth of praise if I'm not familiar with it myself?  How can I expect to help grow those things in others if I'm not looking for and attentive to those things in my own mind?

Thank you Lord, for seeing not as a man sees. You know our every thought.  We can conceal nothing from You.  Knowing us as whole beings - knowing us as beings with Minds - You've set out instruction, protection, comfort, hope, drive and all of the other gifts of the mind.  We so easily are distracted by that which is unproductive.  Thank You for Your Word and the reminders of who we are and of what we're capable of.  Help us break through our limitations and access the thoughts that are truly worthy of the mind.

Family

The people who are there through your daily struggles and daily accomplishments.

The people you can call twice a year to share the highest highs and the lowest lows.

The people you haven't seen in 16 years who know you and care about you.

The people who share the same Father as you, who pray for you and your loved ones without ceasing.

The people who've never met you who would bleed for you and lay down their life for you.

We must remember that we are family.

"I don't have any college degrees, but I have 9."

My sister received her Master's Degree this weekend.  She is a mother of twins, works full-time as a teacher, and, like many of us, has many demands on her time.  My family attended the ceremony and we all got together to celebrate at my sister's home with lasagna, champagne, and cake once the ceremony was complete.

I couldn't be more proud of my sisters. Elisa earned her Master's Degree several years ago and now Susana has hers to.   I come home after working full-time, tend to only one child, and can't imagine having to go to school at this particular point in my life.  I think it is amazing that Susana made all the necessary sacrifices (time, money, rest sweet rest) to accomplish this huge goal in her life.  She isn't even finished yet!  She may take some time off first, but she plans to resume her education and complete her PhD.  I admire her for continuing to educate herself.  I thank God for giving her a husband that has supported her goals.  I cannot ignore the look of beaming pride on my mother's face after my mom received her "9
th college degree" - two for Susana, two for Elisa, two for me, and three for my dad.  This was as much my mom's accomplishment as it was my sister's.

Now that I'm a mother I see the world differently.  It takes a hundred good and selfless decisions each week to raise a decent human being.  It's demanding.  It's exhausting.  It's the BEST work God has entrusted to me in my life.  Yes, some people become amazing without a good mother.  The odds were against you.  Congratulations! How did you even do it?  The truth is, I don't know if I could have done it.

I look at what I've done, at what I've gone through, at what I strive for and I see my mother every step of the way.  She was there when I moved to American and didn't speak English.  She watched countless hours of American TV with me - Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, presidential speeches - hoping that I would pick up the English language quickly.  She attended American college in her 30s so she could learn English for the benefit of the entire family.  I remember my mom being there to tell me that other girls were just jealous of me or that they didn't understand me when I moved to a new school and soon made far fewer friends than enemies.  I remember when my first marriage fell apart, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, and I just couldn't find a way to go on.  My mother, first and foremost, was there to tell me to keep my eye on the prize.  I'm not sure I would have taken the bar exam if it wasn't for her expectations.

She's not my mother because she brought me into the world.  She is my mother because she has made me the woman I am today.

I will repay this great debt.  I will not repay it to my mother.  Yes, she is proud of me.  Yes, she has the peace of believing that, due to all that I have accomplished, I will always be ok - even when she is gone.  Yes, she deserves nothing more than my obedience, my admiration, and my love.


I won't repay the debt to her.  I will pay it forward.  I have a little girl of my own.

Little Lady

Alessandra is always in such a hurry to grow up.  She hit so many milestones ahead of schedule.  She's always been at the top of the growth charts.  I'm frequently left wondering - How did we get to this point so quickly?!  Where is my tiny baby girl?!

The next big milestone is on the horizon and I'm having trouble getting ready for it.

Alessandra is going to go to school/daycare.

I know Alessandra is ready for school.  She has been on a schedule since she was a couple of months old so falling into a school-day routine should be easy.  She greatly enjoys playing with other children so I'm sure she will enjoy having other kids her age to play with.  She loves music and I'm certain she will love singing Spanish songs and playing new instruments.

So what's the big deal?  Why do I have so much anxiety about this situation?

Put simply, I'm afraid of giving up control.  I like things just so.

I've been able to go to work without any issues for the past year and a half because I knew the kind of care that Alessandra was receiving every day.  Everyone who has watched Alessandra gave her foods that I approved of (with a few fun exceptions), made sure that Alessandra slept as much as I recommended, and took Alessandra to places that I approved of.  I felt like even though I was physically absent, my influence and my protectiveness over her still reached her through different people.

Simply put, the next phase involves less of me. Someone else came up with the curriculum.  Someone else came up with the schedule. Someone else decided how long she will nap and what food will be served at snack time.  So much less of what happens in her daily life will be up to me.

On some level I completely comprehend that other people can do a fine job helping to raise Alessandra even if their way of doing things is not much like mine.  I can be objective and know that she is receiving good care even though I didn't plan the specific day-to-day details of that care.  My mama heart just doesn't like letting go.

It is good for her to become more independent.  It is good for her to be around other children.  It is good for her to face new challenges and to have to adapt to a new environment.

I need to thank God for each day that has passed and believe and hope for the best in all the days to come.



POOL TIME!!!

Splashing around with Daddy!

The water from the fountain was so warm.

The beautiful eyes that melt my heart.