A Bright Future

Ten years ago I walked across the stage at Notre Dame Law School. I shook the Dean's hand, I smiled for pictures, and I sure as heck made my family proud.

But when I see a picture of myself on graduation day, I see a young lady with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I had spent the month leading up to graduation praying, crying, studying, praying, crying, in and out of doctor's offices, praying, crying, letting all of my support people hold me up, and a bit more praying and crying.

I just wanted to crumble.

I had baby clothes in my drawers for a baby I'd never meet, my first marriage was in shambles, and but for the grace of God - and the mercy of some of my professors - I barely completed my coursework in that final semester of law school.

I had felt the same darkness before in life, but in times past I had often trudged through the dark spots alone, shutting everyone out.

I just wanted to crumble.

But I didn't.

I remember my roommate bursting through my apartment bedroom door after I'd had a methotrexate treatment. I simply fell apart in her arms. There were no words. Just weeping. Just letting someone strong carry me through brokenness.

I remember telling my mom about alternate plans for my future.  Plans that didn't require as much risk, as much vulnerability.  I didn't want to set myself up for another great fall.  I couldn't summon the courage to take the bar.  She so matter of factly looked at me and asked "how are you going to do all of that while practicing law?"  I had given up on myself but she had not - not for one second - even considered giving up on me.

My sisters cried with me, they got angry along with me, and they helped me start the tedious process of building myself back up.

Why am I sharing this?

- I'm sharing this for anyone else who is struggling.

Weather the storm. You never know what beautiful and amazing things lie ahead.

- I'm sharing this for those who feel alone. 

I thought I was alone for so many years when I wasn't.  I just had to learn how to let people in.

- I'm sharing this for those of us who feel like we always have to be strong.

We don't have to always have it together. We can fall apart. We can let others carry us.  There's no shame in that.  Regaining strength by relying on those who love us, and who want to be there for us, is a much more honorable path than suffering in silence.

- I'm sharing this because I remember.

I remember how hard it is to dream of a future that doesn't happen.  Certain happily-ever-afters were never meant to be, but I cherish the happily-ever-afters that I wake up to every day.

I didn't want to take risks.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I didn't want to set myself up for another great fall.  But my life is full, rich, and beautiful because, with the help of my loved ones, I did all of those things anyway.