The Absurd Promise of Happiness

There is a shiny, colorful, enticing world out there.

Sometime I make it a couple of minutes into a commercial before I even know what product is being sold. Yes, we're sold items that meet our needs.  Yes, we're sold items that will be useful to us.  We're also sold a whole lot of fleeting pleasure with a promise of happiness.

Yes, the sound of that soda can popping open and the big smile on an actress' face after the first sip make me want a soda, but do I really want a soda?  Extra calories? Sugar crash? Teeth stains? No. No, I don't want a soda.

What are we really after? What interest are these marketing people really appealing to?
What I want is the image of happiness that is being sold.

We want happiness, satisfaction, and contentment.
Where do we go to get these things?
If we continue to reach outwards to find these things they will always be just beyond our fingertips.  If we look inward, we will find exactly what we are looking for.

Inside is our skill set.  Inside is our drive.  Inside is our purpose.  Inside is the spark of the Divine.  Inside is everything we need to develop satisfying relationships with our family, our friends, and our Lord.  Inside is what we need to wake up each day, set a goal, work hard, and earn a sense of accomplishment.

What is your skill set?  Why are you here?  What feels true, natural, and real to you?  What are you proud of? In who's company do you feel fulfilled?

Happiness is real.  It is not a destination but it is something that can be continually replenished.  If we habitually and repeatedly look inward we won't be distracted by the shiny fleeting things and will keep our eyes on the things that satisfy.

A Joyful World

A leaf is a fun new toy that needs to be twirled, waved around, and tossed into the wind.

The sound of the vacuum is delightful music that needs to be rocked to, bounced to, and danced to.

Each passing stranger deserves a smile, a wave, and eye contact.

A bite of "adult" food warrants celebration, an "mmm", and a victory lap.

Each toy must be cuddled, carried, and blessed with a dozen kisses.

I'm her mother.  Of course I strive to teach her everything from simple tasks to larger concepts daily.  But sometimes I just need to sit back and learn.  She doesn't mean to teach me.  She doesn't intentionally set out to help me better understand how to live.  But there is so much that I can learn from her.

I pray that we each learn how to see the world with a joyful heart.  I pray that we each learn to enjoy the simple happy moments instead of dwelling on our greater concerns.  I pray that we learn the positive effect that we can have on others by exhibiting our own joyfulness.

I will be happy when...

I will be happy when I'm a size 4.
I will be happy when I pay off my student loans.
I will be happy when I get married.
I will be happy when I finish college.

There will always be a "when I....".

We can't allow our hopes for the future to rob us of the present opportunity for joy, happiness, and satisfaction.  This kind of thinking results from prioritizing what we don't have over what we do have and/or prioritizing what we want to be over what we are.

There's nothing wrong with wanting progress.  There's nothing wrong with working hard to accomplish goals. But when we delay our happiness, stifling it in the present moment, feeling that we are not entitled to it "until x", then we miss some of life's greatest opportunities.

If you aren't happy now, do you really believe that you "will be happy when..."?  If you aren't happy with what you have now, will some one other factor make all of the difference?

Yes, we all have things to strive for.  Yes, we have opportunities to improve ourselves and to improve our lives.  But we will never arrive at some magical point where things couldn't be "better".  Frankly, the people in my life have it very well.  We have the love of our friends and family.  We have health.  Most of us have a job to go to in the morning or the qualifications to get one if we needed it.  The fact that we have an actual opportunity for a better future is a gift in itself.

There's a peace and a stillness that comes from gratitude.  There's an opportunity to turn down yearnings for more and to fully experience what is in our present.  There's a great sense of fulfillment that we can experience when we step back, gain perspective, and realize the value of all of the blessings in our life.

What do you have to be thankful for today?  Who's love have you taken for granted?  What job have you not made the most of?  What present level of stability have you failed to acknowledge as a blessing?

Can we stop focusing on "when I" and appreciate what we have now?

The First Year

I'm thankful for y'all- 
I'm thankful for every prayer & for every word of comfort we've received along the way. 

I'm thankful for each word of advice & encouragement. 

I'm thankful for the times Ryan & I could rest knowing that Alessandra was in good hands. 

I'm thankful for all of the generosity & that she's been given everything she needs. 

I'm thankful for every moment we've been able to accomplish, achieve & succeed in our ambitions knowing that our family was caring for Alessandra.

I'm thankful for the joys-
The first time I saw her. Her first smile. The snuggles. The determination. The first steps. Her dancing. Overcoming challenges. Hearing her laughter. Feeling so proud.

I'm thankful for God's love-
We love her with an active love. So much of our activity is fueled by our desire to give her the best environment possible. We encourage her. We protect her. We nurture her. We challenge her. We're always here for her. Experiencing this beautiful love gives us just a glimpse of the wonderful love that our God has for us. 

My wonderful little girl. I thank God for you.

To Solid Foods and Beyond!

How fitting that Alessandra turns 1 year old on August 7 - the final day of World Breastfeeding Week.
http://worldbreastfeedingweek.org/

There are so many moments I am going to miss from Alessandra's first year but I am so relieved to finally reach the end of this enormous project.  No more breastmilk!

Before Alessandra was born I set out to breastfeed for a year.  I've met several obstacles along the way including low milk supply (exacerbated by any attempts to lose weight), inability to latch, and so many challenges finding the time, place, and courtesy of others to accommodate my desire to give Alessandra breastmilk.

So many mommas ask me - Don't you want to quit? Aren't you tired of it?
Yes! It would be nice not to have to do this anymore.  It would be nice not to have to eat veggies and to only eat chocolate.  It would be nice to lounge on the couch having a beer instead of getting up and exercising.  It would be nice to do many things which aren't what's best for me or what is best for Alessandra.  This whole ordeal hasn't been easy but I try to wake up every day and do what's best for my family.  This is part of that effort.  I honestly think the best thing for Alessandra's health was for her to receive my milk during her first year.

Whether a momma is breastfeeding or pumping it's quite the undertaking. I have so much respect for the process now that I've been through it.

She has eight teeth now.  Since she got the hang of solids, she has never refused a food outright. I'm very blessed that we can rely on food for Alessandra's future nutritional needs but I'm glad I was able to give her this benefit in the first year.

My precious girl.  We reach another milestone.  Please don't grow up too fast.

Human Worth

Who doesn't need God?
Who is beyond God's reach?

Who am I to judge others?  Can I look at another and say - that person there, they are beyond God's reach, they are too far gone, they cannot be reconciled to God?
Is there anyone who doesn't need God?  Has anyone done so little wrong and so much good that they don't need Jesus on the cross?  Was his crucifixion in vain?

We hear about tragedies every day in the news.  The loss of human life isn't something that we look forward to hearing about, but it's our reality.  There was a shooting here in a church.  There was a shooting there at a school.  Another shooting took place over there, at a movie theater.

We hear about victims.  Does the fact that someone was an ordained minister make their life more valuable?  Does the fact that someone was popular and into spofts make their life more valuable?  Does youth make a life more valuable?

Do we not all have a spark of the Divine inside of us that makes us valuable?  Did God not put a fire into the depths of our being fully intent on seeing it burn?  Were we not all created with a purpose?  You're beautiful.  He's beautiful.  She's beautiful.

ALL of us were created in the likeness of God.  All of us arrived here as the result of the Divine intent.  We're not accidents.  We're not an amalgamation of molecules.  We're the likeness of God.  We have purpose.  God intends to be in a relationship with us.  God has given us the Divine command of being the face of God, through love, to our neighbors.

All loss of life is a loss.  There is no human act that can be taken that makes the loss of life lose its value or its importance.

Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.  And Love your neighbor as yourself.

Not, love some of your neighbors.  Not love only those who look like you.  Not love those of your equal socioeconomic class.  Not love those who vote like you.  Love God and Love your neighbor. Period.  End of story.

Worth It

Perspective is important.  I can look at what my life lacks or I can look at the wonderful blessings in my life - I choose to do the latter.

Just because I have Joy, Love, and Blessings in my life, it doesn't mean that things are easy.  It took sacrifices to get here, it took long hours, dedication, heartbreak, being home-sick, mistakes, and failure.

Yes, I'm fortunate to have my job (any job really), but its taken tireless time and effort - not to mention the expense of student loans and the sting of delayed gratification - to get here.  I took a job as a legal assistant fresh out of law school because I couldn't find an internship.  I've been underpaid.  I've been overworked. I've been laid off.  I've (regrettably) been away from my family at important times in their lives because of the demands of my job.

Yes, Ryan and I love each other, but we have our differences, we've made each other angry, and it's taken time for us to build a relationship of trust and confidence.  We came into this relationship damaged, skeptical, put persistent enough to make things work. I moved away from my precious babies (nephews) to ensure that we had something of a chance of success.  We've lived far from each other, in our parents' homes, and in less than ideal conditions while trying to make this work.

Yes, I have the most beautiful darling little girl in my house every day, but I had loss before I had my baby. Loss is never forgotten.

Having such a full life is amazing, but we're not promised tomorrow.  I can be demoted, fired, or lose my license to practice law altogether if I don't stay committed to being excellent. I can come home to an unhappy husband who doesn't get to experience the kind of companionship he longs for if we don't make renewed efforts to connect and understand each other.  My beautiful girl sleeps through the night, is healthy, and is ahead of schedule on her milestones, but she won't continue to make such progress if I don't push through evening exhaustion, through the desire for rest, and commit to the hundred things it takes to keep her on track.  

I haven't "arrived".  I don't believe there is such a thing.  I don't have anything I can't lose.  I don't have anything that will continue to be great if I don't constantly, daily, make an effort and a commitment to nurturing these important parts of my life.  

I don't know many heiresses.  Of the people I know, we all toil for something.  We all answer to someone. We all pour our hearts and our energy into some relationship or some job.  

I give to something that is worth it.  My efforts belong to people who are worth it.  This particular type of toil has such great rewards.  I put in the work but I reap the great rewards.  I did my part to make this life what it is and I will continue to do my part to ensure that what I have isn't lost.  The rest is up to God's grace.  I thank Him that, together, we got this far.

My Loves

I honestly think Ryan & I are doing a good job at being parents.  I'm always striving to improve.  Every night I pray to God to help me be a better mother.  I listen to the parenting advice that I receive from others.  I read articles about what's good for baby.  I see Alessandra healthy, happy, and am reassured that we're doing a good job.

How's my marriage?

We are both so in love with - and so devoted to - this wonderful little lady that we share a home with.  Some days we don't look out enough for ourselves and we don't look out enough for our marriage.  She has what she needs from us and so much more beyond just that.

This week has been a period of growth for our marriage.  We've been set on taking control and ownership of our relationship and making an active effort to keep ensure that this great thing remains great.

We're best friends.  We've been through thick and thin.  He's always been there when it mattered.  I get the joy of seeing him be an amazing father.  Sometimes, we just don't pay enough attention to each other.  We know we have people around who would love to spend more time with Alessandra but, instead of calling them up so we can spend time together, we usually maximize our time with her.  This week has started a re-orienting of our focus back towards what we need from and enjoy about each other.

The crazy thing about this renewed commitment to our friendship, our love, our happiness, is that its been so refreshing and rejuvenating.  Part of me felt lazy about the whole thing and thought, oh great, another thing to put time and energy into.  It's not so.  Having another person to be joyful about, having another person's love and affection, knowing that someone else looks forward to enjoying your company, your conversation, sharing your interests - its exciting, its fun, it adds to what you have.  It doesn't feel like sacrifice or effort.  It feels natural.

There is this amazing man in my life.  We can walk hand in hand looking out into a bright future.  We can set our minds daily on creating something beautiful for ourselves and each other.  We have responsibilities.  We have duties.  We are so in love and committed to our little one.  She deserves our happiness.  She needs to be raised in a home with parents who know each other, feel close to each other, enjoy each other.  We're not two ships passing in the night.  We've promised each other forever.  We've made something that is half me and half him.  We have to remember to rest, to have shared experiences, to not forget the love that led us to this wonderful place to begin with.

Protecting Our Children

How do you protect your children in a fallen world?

The intro:
I wish I could tell my child that if she does what's right, no harm will befall her.
I could never tell her such a huge lie.

I will always tell her about Love - God's Love, her family's love, the love she should have for herself. She is to always show love to others.  But I can't tell her about Good without telling her the dark truths and the warning stories as well.

Never act in such a way that you give an evil-filled person an excuse to harm you.

Gender. Race. Nationality.  Height. The clothes you wear. The music you listen to.  People find reasons to make assumptions about you.


The stories (as brief as possible):
***Living with my parents as a high-schooler, I invited a new friend over.  They walked into my ridiculously large, two-staircase, expansive Texas home and asked not "Is your dad a CEO" "Is your dad a lawyer" nope, instead, "is your dad a drug dealer?" - high school friend

***Driving along in my Honda as a relatively new but attentive driver, some lady almost ran me off the road. I had to veer off road into a parking lot to avoid a sideswipe impact when this lady didn't realize her lane was ending.  She pulled in the parking lot.  She didn't tell me she was sorry or that she didn't see me, she told me to go back to Mexico.  I'm Salvadoran by the way. - random driver

***Moving away for college is bittersweet. What better way to feel independent, adult, free?  I missed my family so much during orientation that I got in my car and drove the two hours back home from Waco.  It's exciting but not easy to leave the nest.  I'm in my dorm room unpacking my belongings and trying to settle in to an unfamiliar place.  Blah, blah, I hardly remember the conversation..."oh but I actually had to work hard in high school to get here, I'm not Hispanic."  Shock.  We'd had one class together in high-school - regular Algebra - as in not Honors, not AP, not my typical course load.  I'd seen my name on the "As" whiteboard in that class after every test and had never seen her name on that list. - college peer

***I was in college and wanted to go to law school. I scheduled a meeting with the pre-law advisor to try to figure out which law school would be the best fit and for guidance regarding my application packets.  The guy told me I didn't have what it took to go to law school and that I should look into teaching or nursing. I have nothing against teaching or nursing, but that's not what I felt called to.  If you google top tier law school you will see that Notre Dame is in the top tier to this day.  I graduated with high grades and scored in the top 8% of all would-be-lawyers who had taken the LSAT. - pre-law advisor

***Driving home from law school took about 18 hours.  After something like hour 15 I "veered into the fog lane".  For that, I was charged at with an officer who had his hand on his gun.  He demanded that I immediately get out of the car, place my hands on the trunk, and - apparently when I didn't move fast enough - he asked me if I "even speak English".  I've had so few people yell at me in my life - even my parents show me such great respect and have better communication skills - I froze after getting out of my car just from the shock of the whole situation.  The officer eventually apologized for delaying my return home from law school when he realized I had a Portland Texas police officer in the car as my passenger. - police officer

***I often have to depose people as part of my job and I hear the same thing over and over.  Are you the court reporter?  Surely I can't be the lawyer. - lawyers and their staff

I can assure you that there's 100 more stories but I don't recall them all at this moment because I'm not inclined to dwell on such things.  There are great people and people that would seek to harm/oppress/insult/hate/belittle you in all walks of life.  Some you come across as high-school classmates, other drivers, college peers, pre-law advisors (who are later let go!), police officers, lawyers, etc.  Those people don't represent their profession, their university, their community.  There are many great people in all of those areas of life, but the reality is that there are dangerous people in those areas of life as well.


The conclusion:
I will teach my daughter -
Always break through others' prejudices. Don't live up to people's assumptions. Be true to yourself and let your true identity overcome the lies that others would have you believe about yourself.
I will teach my daughter -
Be smart. Be safe. Be humble. Never act in such a way that you give an evil-filled person an excuse to harm you.

Who is this baby??

We've been so spoiled with Alessandra.

Alessandra doesn't go to daycare yet. She goes to grandmas house for full time care so she's not exposed to many children or to their germs. She's about to be ten months old & she's only caught one cold...at the hospital.  For months on end we've enjoyed so many smiles, so much laughter, and so much adorableness all around.

Last weekend and at the start of this week Alessandra was such a terror! Alessandra got a tummy bug Friday night & a full recovery took a few days. She's been so CLINGY. So FUSSY. So not-Alessandra.

Alessandra cuddled daddy for hours.

 She looked SO tired.

Normally she wants to do her own thing & doesn't want to be held for long. While she's been sick she hasn't wanted to be put down At All. While it's nice receiving baby cuddles, Ryan & I developed sore arms & aching backs from carrying that 19 lb baby everywhere. We've also expended so much energy being careful not to allow her to fall or hit her head when she throws TANTRUMS involving screaming and a firmly arched back. I knew Alessandra wasn't sick with anything serious, and that was very comforting, but it was stressful trying to make Alessandra happy & being unable to cheer her up or calm her down.

Who is this baby?  Where is my sweet sweet happy girl??

It's been exhausting & stressful handling a sick baby. It really made me appreciate the multitude of days when Alessandra isn't sick!!

Alessandra is feeling better again and it's so nice having my wonderfully happy baby back!!  Let's put those clingy fussy days behind us and just enjoy our happy baby!!

 My smiley happy baby!!

If they're happy, I'm happy!!

Love Everywhere

I remember wanting someone to love me for so long.  Even though my family was there for me, I really didn't understand that and I didn't know how to relate to them.  Instead of turning to people who were there for me, I surrounded myself with people who's lives were plagued with problems.  I would give and give without getting much back in return.  For some reason it never occurred to me that, instead of trying to force love out of the wrong people, I should find people who loved me as I was.

Things are so different now.  I have all these wonderful people to love.  My only problem, if it can even be called that, is finding enough time to bask in their love!

I had Alessandra with such high hopes of having something to offer her.  I wanted to be a great mom.  I felt ready to devote myself to someone else's well-being and happiness.  I could bring someone into the world and devote myself to bringing them up loved, cared for, protected, healthy.  I hope I'm giving her those things! But I know she gives me so much!  She brings me purpose.  She brings me joy.  She loves me.  I'm her mama and she knows it.

How can I ever feel lonely when this little person lights up my world with her smile.  How can I not feel connected to someone who seeks out my praise and encouragement every day.  How can I long for someone to want to spend time with me when I have her seeking me out at all times - even when I need to eat, shower, or otherwise be away from her.

Being parents has brought my relationship with Ryan to a whole new level.  From the start, from those early ultrasounds, he always devoted himself to being there for me 100% on the long painful journey to motherhood.  Now, he always does everything to ensure that Alessandra and I are taken care of.  It's sometimes in the little things like making sure I don't forget my lunch or that Alessandra always has her paci for the car ride.  Sometimes its the bigger things like, if at all possible, being present when Alessandra gets her shots so he can help soothe her...and being present for her shots in case I feel faint.  Sometimes its the great big things like encouraging me to take a massive pay cut because he wants time with me - and for Alessandra to get time with me - more than he wants extra spending money.

I receive a hundred acts of love a week.  Sure, we say I love you and we are an affectionate bunch, but that's not what I'm referring to.  I feel connected to people now. Our relationships are important to all parties involved.  Sharing moments together brings me so much joy. I love laughing together, dancing with each other, making silly faces, mimicking each other's babblings, having pillow fights, sitting by the pool watching birds, comforting each other through tough times, winding down together in the evenings into peaceful rest. Everything is better simply because Alessandra is there.  Every experience is more memorable just because the three of us share the experience as a family.

I love my hubby and baby. I haven't forgotten what life was like without them. I haven't forgotten the days when I just wanted to feel part of something greater than myself. I am thankful for every day with my two loves.

The Start & End of My Day

The people in my immediate surroundings have received the benefit of my love and attention much more so than ever now that I'm re-establishing balance in my life.  So what happens next?  It's going to be gradual but I'm looking for opportunities to involve myself in a greater community.  I have great sources of inspiration that power me through the day.  These things are a fueling a desire to reach out and affect lives beyond those of my friends and family.  I'm determined to get out there & find ways to help others.  I finally feel like I'm in the clear with my own family & I'm hoping to find ways to improve the lives of other children & families. There's only so much I can do, but even small differences are worth it. Lets make this happen!!

Mornings-

I've been listening to my podcasts at 5:45am while I prepare Alessandra's first bottle for the day and it helps tremendously to start my day off on the right foot.  It's easy to get caught up in the details and demands of the day and to lose sight of the big picture. Starting the day off with important life lessons helps keep the remainder of the day's adventures in perspective. I'm feeling so empowered and ready to give my best every day now that I've spent the morning in reflection and not busy with work.

Evenings-

During the week I get the largest chunk of time with Alessandra between 6pm and 8:30pm.  There's nothing that refreshes my soul and reminds me of what's important so much as that beautiful innocent excited smile. Sometimes the smile is directed at me, sometimes - oftentimes - it's directed at Daddy, and sometimes it has nothing to do with us but is just pure excitement.  Seeing her - she always makes me want to be a better person.  She always inspires me to do more.  As much as I want to inspire her, she is the one who inspires me.

My beautiful little love.  My reason for everything.

Growing Up!!

My sweet little lady is growing up so fast!!

A couple of weeks ago she was our immobile little baby, trying so hard to scoot along on the ground.  Now, she's up & about!  She crawls at full speed while Daddy & I chase her around the house.  She also pulls up and cruises around on furniture, items we set up for her, and even on random toys & people she doesn't know lol

Crawling:

Standing:

She attended another baby birthday party for the first time this weekend and it was great!  She was carried around, complimented, and did a great job interacting with a new kiddo.

Alessandra playing with a new friend:

He tried to eat her foot at one point but she never fussed.  She was too busy exploring & playing with all the new toys.  She also pulled up on the laps of people she'd never met before but they didn't seem to mind :-)

It is so bitter sweet seeing her do new things.  It's hard to see how big she's getting and to know how many wonderful moments are in the past and will never happen again.  She doesn't need me to rock her to sleep anymore.  She can get around the house without me.  She can eat solids and isn't fully dependent on me for food anymore.

I praise Jesus every time she does something new.  I'll never take her advancement for granted.  With the way she is blowing through milestones there's pretty frequent hallelujahs around our house.  She makes me such a proud mama.  I know she loves becoming more independent & I'm happy to help her learn new skills.

Mama & Dada each had a special treat this week.
Dada was helping her walk around in the living room when she decided she was ready for her first step!  She spun around where she was standing and took one step right into his arms.
She also finally said mama today.  I know she isn't aware of what it means yet but it was still so nice to hear it.  I hear "Dada" alllllll the time but I had to wait 8 months and 5 days to finally hear her say Mama. She was being a big girl, finishing off four ounces of carrots when, out of nowhere, she just kept saying Mama over and over again.  It made me so happy!!

I love my girl so much!  Things are starting to wind down at work as I prepare to move to the new job and it has been So Wonderful having more time for Ryan & for my precious girl.  Family moments are priceless and it's such a relief having more time to enjoy those moments.  Nothing is more important or more fulfilling than time with my wonderful Bears.

Enjoying My Child

As of last Wednesday, I planned to spend 24 hours at the hospital with Alessandra and to move on with the thousand things I needed to do.  I'm a busy person.  My time is demanded here, there, and over there.  I'm always running.  Running.  Running.  Running.  Then the doctor called and told me the "initial order" was for 48 hours of monitoring and the order could be extended through 5 days. Mercy! How?! The thousand things will turn into three thousand things?! How can I drop everything for 5 days in the hospital?!

I checked into the hospital with Alessandra and reality hit pretty quickly.  Our room in the EMU - the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit - was not ready because someone else's testing had run long. Instead, we were checked into the Children's center.  I saw a child, around my nephews' age, walking down the hall using a walker needing the assistance of a few adults.  I saw a child wheeled down the hall in a wheelchair, hunched over, his right eye swollen shut with bruising.  Lord have mercy.  This isn't a waste of time.  This isn't an interruption in my plans.  This is my child's health. What could possibly be more important.  How can I help? What do I need to do?  Clear my calender.

My beautiful girl.  We will stay here as long as we need to.  I want a diagnosis. I want to help you. I need for you to be ok.  A stubbed toe makes a mama's heart skip a beat.  Here we are trying to rule out Infantile Spasms.  Nothing is more important right now.

Time seemed to slow down while we were in the hospital.  Alessandra did not appreciate the process of applying the electrodes.  Our room was set to freezing temperatures and it took a while for someone to finally tell me I could change the temperature.  She caught her first cold in the hospital and by the last day would wake up gasping for air.  She felt confined.  We carry her in our arms and walk around the house - we put her in the stroller and push her through the trails, we lay her in the living room & in her bedroom and let her roll around playing with her toys.  She was confined to such a small space.  She laughed so much less than usual.  The crib was made of metal (on which she struck her head several times), the floor was hard and piling up blankets to create a play area only made it a slightly more acceptable play area.  It felt like a hospital and not like home.

Alessandra in the Children's area:

I was furious when Alessandra woke up with a snotty face.  Her cheeks are pink from a low grade fever. She's never been sick and I couldn't believe she could be sick while going through this testing process.  She had enough to deal with without getting a cold.

Daddy, grandparents, aunties and I tried to keep her happy and entertained.  She is such a trooper.

I waited, waited, waited.  She'd had so many episodes at home but 48 hours into the hospital stay she hadn't had one at all.  I was frustrated and tired.  I felt like the hospital staff was rather unsympathetic about how sick and unhappy Alessandra was.  I was so ready to go home by Saturday evening.  I asked that the doctor be called in because I was ready to leave.  The hospital staff finally took us seriously and began efforts to keep us there. I prayed for patience, I reminded myself why we were there, and I tried to shove down the anger I felt about the fact that my precious girl was going through this ordeal.

Finally, Sunday at about 3:30 am she woke up.  It always takes me a minute to understand what is going on when I wake up in the middle of the night.  I looked over at her and knew something was wrong so I tried to get a look at her there in the dark and I pressed the emergency button. The hospital staff could see Alessandra through video monitoring so the room was instantly filled with people.  They saw her arch her back, they saw the vacant expression on her face, they tried to get her attention and get her to focus.  She wouldn't respond to anything.  Finally, someone else was seeing what I've seen alone in the middle of the night.  I wanted to hold her hands and talk to her to let her know I was there, like I always do when something happens, but I had to stand back and let her be observed and monitored.  

I let out a big sigh of relief.  It finally happened with an EEG on her head to tell me what it meant. After a minute or so, the nurse reached for her pacifier - she responded and focused - no one takes her paci!

We technically still don't have a diagnosis.  What we have is reassurance from the neurologists that we saw on Friday and Tuesday that though there were weird events which were observed by nurses and doctors, there were no signs of epileptic events or infantile spasms on the EEG. We've been told not to worry.  We've been told by the primary neurologist, who has her own three month old child, to enjoy our child.  I normally follow the doctor's advice anyhow, but this is a recommendation I have absolutely committed myself to.  She's so precious.  We can't take moments with her for granted. I come home every evening, tired or stressed as I may be, and commit to giving Alessandra the 100% that she deserves.  We don't have to be in crisis mode - she doesn't have to be sick - it can just be an ordinary day and she is just as deserving of my attention and my best.

Faith, Hope & Love

It's amazing to me how much faith I see in my loved ones.  I've received so many promises, declarations, and encouragements not to lose faith in the past week.  For some people God is harder to find in the difficult times and, in others, God's voice is amplified when it is needed the most.

I keep praying with each doctor visit, each test, each evening (when spasms usually happen), each step towards figuring out what is going on with our Baby Bear and figuring out appropriate treatment.  I hold on to hope that it is something with limited effects. I hold on to hope that it is something that will soon be resolved or that she will outgrow.  I hold on to the hope that no matter what types of challenges she faces and what the diagnosis turns out to be, she will continue to shine so brightly and bring Good into this world.

When Ryan and I were facing this alone, and even when I was just facing this with a few people, I spent so much time in tears just feeling overwhelmed with what was ahead.  Opening up about the situation, welcoming the support, and receiving the various forms of love expressed by our friends and family has had me in tears this week for a very different reason.  I love the well-wishes, doctor recommendations, offers to listen, the words of faith, the compliments on our parenting, the hugs, and every other bit of positive information, energy, and prayer that has been directed at our Alessandra this week.  It is an amazing blessing knowing that Alessandra is receiving love from so many people, all over the world, in so many different forms.  Thank you for offering to listen.  Thank you for keeping her in your thoughts. Thank you for praying for her.  Thank you for letting us know you are there. Thank you for praying for her doctors. Thank you for every bit of kindness.

Right now, we still do not have a diagnosis.

Alessandra has had blood tests, a short EEG (about 45 minutes) and a brain MRI.  Every test result has come back normal.  Although it is comforting to receive good news, it is still difficult to accept that we don't know what is causing this.  Seeing her go through these tests, seeing her be sedated, seeing her go through things that she doesn't understand and being unable to comfort her through parts of it has been exhausting and challenging.  She is my brave little lady.  She bounces back from each procedure.  She continues to be the wonderful girl she was a month ago before all this began.  She continues to learn new things every day.

We are not in the clear yet.  Waking at 3am to a child who is experiencing something scary that she doesn't understand is heart-wrenching.  Ryan and I really lucked out in that, for months, Alessandra has woken up at about 7:15am - after 10 or 11 hours of sleep - with a big smile on her face.  How did we go from that to waking at 3am to a child stiffening, shuddering, and then crying?  I know that she is strong and that I can be strong for her.  That doesn't mean that this is easy.

Alessandra ready for her EEG.  The procedure was completely painless and no sedation was necessary. We took her in sleep deprived and gave her the bottle so that she would sleep through most of the test.  I think the confusion when the electrodes were being applied was the most upsetting part - not any pain or discomfort:

Alessandra after her MRI.  She was still pretty limp here from the sedation.  As soon as she fully woke up she was fighting me and wouldn't accept bottle, paci, or any other of the usual forms of comfort.  It took about a good hour to get her calm after sedation.

We will continue to try to figure out what is wrong.  For now, we're tracking these episodes to try to see if there is a pattern.  We will need to do a 24 hour EEG and it will be helpful if we have some type of pattern to follow so that we can plan to complete that EEG in a window that captures one of her episodes.  Without a diagnosis, its hard to figure out what medicine or treatment to give her.  For now she takes high doses of B6, she is off solids and back to breast-milk with some formula, and we immediately put her to bed if she looks tired.  Essentially we are trying to limit/prevent the episodes and their damaging effects until we have more solid answer with a more solid treatment plan.

This is going to take additional testing.  It is going to take time.  I will continue to hope and believe for the best and I am so grateful for the various expressions of love that are lifting Alessandra up getting us through this.

Praying Without Ceasing

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic.  I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms, I loved that I was finally going to be someone's mommy, but I was hormonal and emotional.  I was afraid Alessandra would come early, I was afraid there would be something wrong with her, I was afraid of the mystery surrounding being unable to see her.

When I finally saw Alessandra's perfectly pink round cheeks, met her big glistening eyes, and I heard that powerful beautiful cry I was so relieved. My little girl had finally arrived.  She was so beautiful, so healthy, so perfect. So many fears subsided.  The agony of childbirth was instantly displaced by the joy of holding my amazing little girl safely in my arms.

For six months, Alessandra measured big, blew through milestones, and we didn't have a care in the world. We've done our best to care for her, we don't take shortcuts in doing what is right on her behalf, and we take great pride in every one of her accomplishments.

When I first held Alessandra and cried those tears of relief, I didn't know that six months later I'd be praying every night for Alessandra's health.  The truth is that we don't know what the future holds.  Terrifying phrases like "poor prognosis" "devastating childhood epilepsy" and "severe physical and cognitive impairments" are now part of our reality.  I hope that these are fleeting worries but I accept that there are things that are simply beyond our control.  No matter how much we research, listen to advice, and devote ourselves to being the best parents we can be, we can't protect Alessandra from everything.

We don't have a diagnosis yet.

Hope remains that she will be with us in 40 years, healthy, sharp, and joyful as always.  But I'm not one to deny reality.  I want to be mentally prepared to handle whatever diagnosis we're given.  I've seen the bad moments.  I've held her during these terrifying episodes and felt entirely helpless.  I need to have considered the likely outcomes so that if I'm facing a challenging reality, I am not crushed by unreasonable denial about the situation.

No matter what further testing reveals, Ryan and I are fully devoted to ensuring that Alessandra meets her potential. We are so thankful that Alessandra has the benefit of an amazing family that loves both her and us. Our family has participated since day one in helping her have the best life possible and I am certain those relationships will only be strengthened through these challenging times.  No matter what the final diagnosis ends up being, I will remember my own words from my first blog post in 2013, "I know that if He blesses me with another child, I will be thankful for each day that he lets us have together" "Jesus has reminded me that I'm not supposed to live in fear.  I'm supposed to live with faith, hope, and love."

She is still my blessing.  She is still my greatest joy.  She is still my Eden.

His Sacrifice

I want what's best for her.  On the one hand I take pride in my efforts to be a good Mama, on the other I feel like she is deserving of so much more than my best.  No one person has made me feel both so great and so insufficient.

We bring our children into the world and they have their tiny little fingers wrapped around our hearts.  Our minds may be racing with 1,000 other thoughts but they are never forgotten and they never lose priority. Their cry makes us spring to our feet.  Their toothless smile washes away the troubles of the day.  They bring us more joy than any verdict, any sports car, and travel to an unfamiliar country.  Life's joys are still present but the pinnacle of joy - the height of love - it overshadows all other joys.

What wouldn't I give to protect her?  What wouldn't I sacrifice to see her succeed?  She has taught me so much about myself, about priorities, about what a blessing Ryan is to my life.  She is my daily lesson.

How can a parent look at their child and watch them suffer.  How can a parent suppress that overwhelming desire to protect.  How did my Jesus live 33 years on this earth - ridiculed, exiled, persecuted, his loved ones imprisoned and killed.  How did Mary watch as men broke the body of the perfect Son that she birthed into the world.  How is it that he had to utter "Abba Father" and yet the Lord didn't take the cup from Him.

Our God's love and mercy is incomprehensible.  What He did for us is incomprehensible.

God's Love

I was about 13 before I really turned any solid focus or attention on to spiritual and/or religious ideas.  I had been to church here and there, I participated in religious ceremonies like baptisms and weddings, I knew that some of the people around me were Catholics, but faith was not a personal thing for me until I was a teenager.

When I found God it became my immediate desire to know Him more.  What was God like? What was my relationship with God supposed to be like?  Was God in all things or just some things?  What did God require of me?  Why was God interested in me? etc.

There have now been many inexplicable moments in my life where I was in tune with a presence greater than mine that was full of every type of stillness that I can label - awareness, compassion, peace, love.  Once I believed in God, it was a messy start trying to find a way to express and channel that relationship and flow. How do you give back to God?  How do you participate with what God has in store? How do you build a relationship with God?

My glimpse of God is still in part...through a glass, darkly, just as it says in 1 Corinthians 13, but that glimpse has doubled in size since I became a parent.  What is it like for someone's good to always be your priority? How can one be always preoccupied with the well-being of another while being fully occupied with other demands?  How is it that someone's health, their comfort, their joy can paint every moment of life with meaning?  How is it that the immensity of the world's darkness is muted in comparison to the grandeur of love? What is it like to be involved with someone in a way that what happens to them, in essence, happens to you?

She is mine and I am His.  If He loves me half as much as I love her - what a blessing - and yet, He loves me infinitely more.  It is such a great gift to get to participate in parental love.  It is such a great gift to get to see another in the love that He sees us.  How can I be worthy of His love or of getting to love her? And yet, I have the gift of both.

1 Corinthians 13:9-12 For now we know in part, and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.  When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Longest Weekend Ever!!

This weekend was just awesome.  It felt so long and all the Gosebears enjoyed it so thoroughly.

Friday night Ryan and I dropped Alessandra off at the Hernandez grandparents' house and went to the Fire Department Awards Banquet.  We got to hear stories about the heroic life-saving acts of several of the department's firefighters and many of them received their awards and recognition from the people who's lives they saved.  It's such a special night that really makes you appreciate the selflessness of others and makes you want to hold on tight to everyone who is a blessing in your life.
Friday night was Alessandra's first overnight stay away from ME.  She took it extremely well.  She slept soundly through the night, stayed on schedule with meals, and generally was her sweet little self for my parents!  I was frequently thinking of her while she was away.  My dad was so sweet and responded to all my texts checking up on Alessandra.  I know she was in good hands. I know my parents are wonderful caretakers.  But I missed my little love.  I needed to hear how she was doing.  I needed confirmation and affirmation that all was well.

Texts with my Daddy:

Saturday was wonderful.  After I pumped and checked in on Alessandra around 7:30am, I went back to sleep and slept in!  When I finally woke up, I took my time slowly sipping a cup of coffee and eating a bacon & egg breakfast with NO WORRIES.  I told my parents I would be over in an hour to pick her up but ended up taking two hours to arrive.  It was just so nice to REST knowing that Alessandra was in great hands.  When we finally picked her up we took her to the park and she loved it!  She stared at the ducks, watched the other park goers (mostly children), and just took it all in.  The sunshine felt so good and I loved sharing that new experience with her.  She also behaved while we ate some Mexican food at Salsa Tex-Mex.

Dinner at Salsa Tex-Mex:

Checking out the duckies:

Sunday was great too.  Ryan jogged while Alessandra & I went for a stoller walk.  It was another sunshiny day & it was sweet seeing so many people say hi to Alessandra.  We prepared for the start of the week but enjoyed just a bit more time together as a family.  I was even able to take a nap with my sweet baby girl and the look on her face when she woke up next to Mommy was absolutely priceless.

Ryan after his jog:

Alessandra wide-eyed during our walk:

Waking up from cuddle-sleep with the sweetest smile! My heart melts!

I've realized over the last few years that it doesn't take much to make me happy.  Money isn't the driving force in my life.  I don't get bored easily.  I don't need anything wild, extravagant, or expensive to keep me happy.  My happiness walks around as breathing living beings every day.  My happiness isn't the accolades I receive, the home that I live in, or the number of people who envy me.  My happiness is my sweet healthy daughter's giggle, my husband's companionship, my parents' supportiveness, my Jesus' guidance - it is the wonderful PEOPLE in my life.

I want to invest myself more fully into the things that give back to me.

Changes Made!

It has been about two weeks since my last blog post and so many positive things have happened and/or are in the works!

Cooking- Ryan is responsible for grocery shopping and he brought home very simple ingredients so that I could start cooking again.  Our meals were nothing fancy - simple salmon, chicken, and ham recipes - but it was really nice not to be eating fast food and not having to have the dreaded "what's for dinner tonight" conversation at 5pm as I wrapped up 10 tasks at work.

Exercise- Lately, I sometimes go an entire week without exercise :-(  I never thought I'd have a sedentary lifestyle and it makes me so frustrated when I realize I've gone several consecutive days without exercise. This week I managed to get two workouts in and I'm hoping to get at least one more in this weekend.  My sisters send me updates when they go to the gym/bootcamp/etc. and it really helps keep me motivated and dedicated.

Marriage- Hubby and I haven't had much more time together BUT we've made future plans for time together.  Every year Ryan goes to a banquet around this time of the year for work.  We always stay at the hotel where the banquet is held and make a little stay-cation out of it.  This year, we're going to go and it will be my first overnight trip without Alessandra!  I'm anxious about it and I'm sure I'll annoy my parents when I text to check in on her - but goshdarnit - Ryan & I will have some time together!

Pre-baby friends- I somehow managed to keep my work laptop shut for about 72 hours and went to San Antonio for the weekend.  This was so good for my soul.  I managed to have lunch and a nice outdoor walk with my law school friend Liz, my friend Trent met up with us for lunch and showed up bearing gifts for Alessandra, I saw several people from College Station throughout the weekend, and I was able to share tapas and a meal at an old college hangout with Sarmar.

Prior hobbies/interests- well, I didn't quite get to this...but it's only been two weeks since I decided I needed to turn things around!

Overall I feel really good about my progress in feeling in control of my life again.  I don't want to be a one-dimensional person with a singular purpose. I need to be a multi-dimensional person with a rich full life and I am starting to feel that way again.

At dinner with College Stations friends and Sarmar.  Alessandra was being cuddly with Daddy:

Alessandra is doing a great job of sitting up on her own.  She has very good posture too!  Here she is watching all the geeks walk to and from PAX South from our Hotel window.

Tapas with Sarmar:

Lunch with Liz at Mi Tierra.  There was gorgeous weather that day!

Another nice day! Walking to Buckhorn Saloon to meet Ryan's childhood friend Laura as well as my friend Trent-

Changes

I told myself that several things would not change when Alessandra arrived.  I wouldn't be one of those moms that didn't work out, that didn't cook meals, that didn't make time for her marriage, that lost touch with pre-baby friends, that lost interest in prior hobbies/interests, etc....but those things have really crept up on me over the last 5 months.  The really crazy thing - its NOT because of Alessandra.

My job demands have increased significantly for various reasons including the departure of the firm's most tenured attorney. I've slowly let things slip and I've just started the process of taking back all of those important pieces of my life.  I've made it a priority each day to set aside as much time as possible for Alessandra and, frankly, her demands don't allow me to lose sight or her importance in my life.  The other things in life are so much more voluntary and optional - they don't cry if I don't tend to them - so, if these things are really important to me, it's up to me to make sure that they continue to have a place in my life.

For now, here's the positive things that have been going on with Alessandra.  By next post, I hope to be reporting on all the other positive things going on in life!

Playing with her giraffe:

Alessandra sleeps through the night.  This is a big one! Most nights she sleeps from sometime before 9pm (8:30ish) until 7:30am.  This is PERFECT - it allows me to feed her, spend a little time with her in the evenings working on sills, and bathe her (on bath days) without having to keep her up.  She falls asleep late enough that I've enjoyed time with her, but early enough that I can at least rest or (more likely) take on other tasks for an hour or two before bed.  Once Alessandra wakes up I'm typically fully ready for work (showered, breakfast eaten, packed up) and I can give her my undivided attention until she is dropped off at Grandma's house.  I love mornings with her.  She is usually so cheerful and sweet in the morning.  Every now and then she wakes in the night but handling one or two days per week of interrupted sleep is much easier than regularly trying to function on interrupted sleep.  If she wakes a little early, Ryan steps in and watches her so I can finish getting ready for the day.

Alessandra has the smiliest little face.  Obviously Alessandra can't talk so it really helps me feel like she is doing well and enjoying her life when I so frequently see a big smile on that precious little face.  She always greets Daddy with a big squinty-eyed smile and she usually smiles when spoken to.  The smiles are big and they come easy.  I love it.

Laughter!  Alessandra finally laughs!  At first it was a very short chuckle but now we're getting longer giggles. She seems a little ticklish and cracks up at silly sounds and faces.  Sometimes the things she laughs about make sense and sometimes I wonder what in the world she found so funny.  No matter what, I love hearing her laughter.

Cruising.  Every time Alessandra's feet touch the ground, she immediately tries to walk.  We will guide her in different directions and she even takes sideways and backwards steps.  She is the cutest little moon-walker! Sometimes Ryan will lay down and stand her up on his tummy and she immediately starts trying to walk up his torso towards his head.  It's amazing how automatic that instinct is.  So far the closest she has been to walking is taking little steps while holding onto the side of her crib and holding on to the side of a bed.  I'm too afraid to just let go and see what happens but she mostly holds herself up with her own strength.  I'm going to be chasing her around the house in no time.

Rolling.  Alessandra has been rolling from front to back since she was a tiny baby but she just recently started rolling from back to front.  She did it once, seemingly on accident while trying to escape mommy's grasp, and has since delighted in rolling over repeatedly.  Grandma worked with Alessandra on rolling for some time and all that practice has finally paid off.  The first few times Alessandra rolled back to front, she was reaching for a toy or trying to see something over her head but now she rolls repeatedly and for no apparent reason. I think she is just enjoying the new mobility.

Alessandra rolling around:

Out for a walk on a cold day (low 50s) and out for a walk on a warm sunny day (upper 60s):

My Baby Bear is such a joy right now.  Other demands are keeping me pretty exhausted and stressed but my little lady has really adapted to a routine and has become so much easier to take care of.  I look forward to time with her.  I need to get a little more control over the other things at life but its tough with so much on my plate right now.  I'm taking steps in the right direction so hopefully things will improve soon.

Sleeping Baby

Our evenings aren't always the same.  My goal for the bedtime routines is 1) bottle 2) reading - currently the Bible - alternating between English & Spanish 3) snuggling/pacifier time 4) crib.

Well, on a rough night bottle time is interrupted by diaper changing, reading includes Alessandra being so noisy that she barely hears a word I say, snuggling is much more like wrestling an alligator with sharp little claws, and crib time involves so much foot stomping that we back up to part 2) all over again.

Going though this routine tonight was a bit rough but it got me thinking.  It's never the difficulties in the routine that bother me.  It's the pressure I feel to complete the routine so I can get back to the thousand other things I need to do that bothers me.  If I quit trying to finish the routine and get to the next thing - if I just embrace the fact that the routine will take more TIME than usual, I can fully accept & not be stressed out by the extra time and effort that a "rough" night entails.  I'm going to work on that.

But oh those easy nights...

On an easy night, bottle time goes quickly.  She holds my fingers in her little hands, she looks at me with those big sweet eyes, we just get to enjoy each other's company in silence as we wind down from the day.
On an easy night, Alessandra looks at me with excitement and a smiling eager face while I read to her about Jesus and tell her about God's love.
On an easy night, I feel absolute bliss as my perfect healthy and wonderful child drifts off to sleep in my arms.
Forget step four - I don't want to put her in her crib.  I want to just hold her a little longer.  A little warmer. A little more peacefully.  I want to linger in the little but complete world of bliss that my sleeping baby takes me to.

My perfect little lady sleeping peacefully in my arms during a nap:

Sometimes I lay down completely exhausted after a long day but I can't help but spend a few minutes just watching her sleep so sweetly through the baby monitor.

I don't know that there is anything more calming in my world than looking at this adorable little sleeping face.