Praying Without Ceasing

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic.  I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms, I loved that I was finally going to be someone's mommy, but I was hormonal and emotional.  I was afraid Alessandra would come early, I was afraid there would be something wrong with her, I was afraid of the mystery surrounding being unable to see her.

When I finally saw Alessandra's perfectly pink round cheeks, met her big glistening eyes, and I heard that powerful beautiful cry I was so relieved. My little girl had finally arrived.  She was so beautiful, so healthy, so perfect. So many fears subsided.  The agony of childbirth was instantly displaced by the joy of holding my amazing little girl safely in my arms.

For six months, Alessandra measured big, blew through milestones, and we didn't have a care in the world. We've done our best to care for her, we don't take shortcuts in doing what is right on her behalf, and we take great pride in every one of her accomplishments.

When I first held Alessandra and cried those tears of relief, I didn't know that six months later I'd be praying every night for Alessandra's health.  The truth is that we don't know what the future holds.  Terrifying phrases like "poor prognosis" "devastating childhood epilepsy" and "severe physical and cognitive impairments" are now part of our reality.  I hope that these are fleeting worries but I accept that there are things that are simply beyond our control.  No matter how much we research, listen to advice, and devote ourselves to being the best parents we can be, we can't protect Alessandra from everything.

We don't have a diagnosis yet.

Hope remains that she will be with us in 40 years, healthy, sharp, and joyful as always.  But I'm not one to deny reality.  I want to be mentally prepared to handle whatever diagnosis we're given.  I've seen the bad moments.  I've held her during these terrifying episodes and felt entirely helpless.  I need to have considered the likely outcomes so that if I'm facing a challenging reality, I am not crushed by unreasonable denial about the situation.

No matter what further testing reveals, Ryan and I are fully devoted to ensuring that Alessandra meets her potential. We are so thankful that Alessandra has the benefit of an amazing family that loves both her and us. Our family has participated since day one in helping her have the best life possible and I am certain those relationships will only be strengthened through these challenging times.  No matter what the final diagnosis ends up being, I will remember my own words from my first blog post in 2013, "I know that if He blesses me with another child, I will be thankful for each day that he lets us have together" "Jesus has reminded me that I'm not supposed to live in fear.  I'm supposed to live with faith, hope, and love."

She is still my blessing.  She is still my greatest joy.  She is still my Eden.

His Sacrifice

I want what's best for her.  On the one hand I take pride in my efforts to be a good Mama, on the other I feel like she is deserving of so much more than my best.  No one person has made me feel both so great and so insufficient.

We bring our children into the world and they have their tiny little fingers wrapped around our hearts.  Our minds may be racing with 1,000 other thoughts but they are never forgotten and they never lose priority. Their cry makes us spring to our feet.  Their toothless smile washes away the troubles of the day.  They bring us more joy than any verdict, any sports car, and travel to an unfamiliar country.  Life's joys are still present but the pinnacle of joy - the height of love - it overshadows all other joys.

What wouldn't I give to protect her?  What wouldn't I sacrifice to see her succeed?  She has taught me so much about myself, about priorities, about what a blessing Ryan is to my life.  She is my daily lesson.

How can a parent look at their child and watch them suffer.  How can a parent suppress that overwhelming desire to protect.  How did my Jesus live 33 years on this earth - ridiculed, exiled, persecuted, his loved ones imprisoned and killed.  How did Mary watch as men broke the body of the perfect Son that she birthed into the world.  How is it that he had to utter "Abba Father" and yet the Lord didn't take the cup from Him.

Our God's love and mercy is incomprehensible.  What He did for us is incomprehensible.

God's Love

I was about 13 before I really turned any solid focus or attention on to spiritual and/or religious ideas.  I had been to church here and there, I participated in religious ceremonies like baptisms and weddings, I knew that some of the people around me were Catholics, but faith was not a personal thing for me until I was a teenager.

When I found God it became my immediate desire to know Him more.  What was God like? What was my relationship with God supposed to be like?  Was God in all things or just some things?  What did God require of me?  Why was God interested in me? etc.

There have now been many inexplicable moments in my life where I was in tune with a presence greater than mine that was full of every type of stillness that I can label - awareness, compassion, peace, love.  Once I believed in God, it was a messy start trying to find a way to express and channel that relationship and flow. How do you give back to God?  How do you participate with what God has in store? How do you build a relationship with God?

My glimpse of God is still in part...through a glass, darkly, just as it says in 1 Corinthians 13, but that glimpse has doubled in size since I became a parent.  What is it like for someone's good to always be your priority? How can one be always preoccupied with the well-being of another while being fully occupied with other demands?  How is it that someone's health, their comfort, their joy can paint every moment of life with meaning?  How is it that the immensity of the world's darkness is muted in comparison to the grandeur of love? What is it like to be involved with someone in a way that what happens to them, in essence, happens to you?

She is mine and I am His.  If He loves me half as much as I love her - what a blessing - and yet, He loves me infinitely more.  It is such a great gift to get to participate in parental love.  It is such a great gift to get to see another in the love that He sees us.  How can I be worthy of His love or of getting to love her? And yet, I have the gift of both.

1 Corinthians 13:9-12 For now we know in part, and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.  When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Longest Weekend Ever!!

This weekend was just awesome.  It felt so long and all the Gosebears enjoyed it so thoroughly.

Friday night Ryan and I dropped Alessandra off at the Hernandez grandparents' house and went to the Fire Department Awards Banquet.  We got to hear stories about the heroic life-saving acts of several of the department's firefighters and many of them received their awards and recognition from the people who's lives they saved.  It's such a special night that really makes you appreciate the selflessness of others and makes you want to hold on tight to everyone who is a blessing in your life.
Friday night was Alessandra's first overnight stay away from ME.  She took it extremely well.  She slept soundly through the night, stayed on schedule with meals, and generally was her sweet little self for my parents!  I was frequently thinking of her while she was away.  My dad was so sweet and responded to all my texts checking up on Alessandra.  I know she was in good hands. I know my parents are wonderful caretakers.  But I missed my little love.  I needed to hear how she was doing.  I needed confirmation and affirmation that all was well.

Texts with my Daddy:

Saturday was wonderful.  After I pumped and checked in on Alessandra around 7:30am, I went back to sleep and slept in!  When I finally woke up, I took my time slowly sipping a cup of coffee and eating a bacon & egg breakfast with NO WORRIES.  I told my parents I would be over in an hour to pick her up but ended up taking two hours to arrive.  It was just so nice to REST knowing that Alessandra was in great hands.  When we finally picked her up we took her to the park and she loved it!  She stared at the ducks, watched the other park goers (mostly children), and just took it all in.  The sunshine felt so good and I loved sharing that new experience with her.  She also behaved while we ate some Mexican food at Salsa Tex-Mex.

Dinner at Salsa Tex-Mex:

Checking out the duckies:

Sunday was great too.  Ryan jogged while Alessandra & I went for a stoller walk.  It was another sunshiny day & it was sweet seeing so many people say hi to Alessandra.  We prepared for the start of the week but enjoyed just a bit more time together as a family.  I was even able to take a nap with my sweet baby girl and the look on her face when she woke up next to Mommy was absolutely priceless.

Ryan after his jog:

Alessandra wide-eyed during our walk:

Waking up from cuddle-sleep with the sweetest smile! My heart melts!

I've realized over the last few years that it doesn't take much to make me happy.  Money isn't the driving force in my life.  I don't get bored easily.  I don't need anything wild, extravagant, or expensive to keep me happy.  My happiness walks around as breathing living beings every day.  My happiness isn't the accolades I receive, the home that I live in, or the number of people who envy me.  My happiness is my sweet healthy daughter's giggle, my husband's companionship, my parents' supportiveness, my Jesus' guidance - it is the wonderful PEOPLE in my life.

I want to invest myself more fully into the things that give back to me.

Changes Made!

It has been about two weeks since my last blog post and so many positive things have happened and/or are in the works!

Cooking- Ryan is responsible for grocery shopping and he brought home very simple ingredients so that I could start cooking again.  Our meals were nothing fancy - simple salmon, chicken, and ham recipes - but it was really nice not to be eating fast food and not having to have the dreaded "what's for dinner tonight" conversation at 5pm as I wrapped up 10 tasks at work.

Exercise- Lately, I sometimes go an entire week without exercise :-(  I never thought I'd have a sedentary lifestyle and it makes me so frustrated when I realize I've gone several consecutive days without exercise. This week I managed to get two workouts in and I'm hoping to get at least one more in this weekend.  My sisters send me updates when they go to the gym/bootcamp/etc. and it really helps keep me motivated and dedicated.

Marriage- Hubby and I haven't had much more time together BUT we've made future plans for time together.  Every year Ryan goes to a banquet around this time of the year for work.  We always stay at the hotel where the banquet is held and make a little stay-cation out of it.  This year, we're going to go and it will be my first overnight trip without Alessandra!  I'm anxious about it and I'm sure I'll annoy my parents when I text to check in on her - but goshdarnit - Ryan & I will have some time together!

Pre-baby friends- I somehow managed to keep my work laptop shut for about 72 hours and went to San Antonio for the weekend.  This was so good for my soul.  I managed to have lunch and a nice outdoor walk with my law school friend Liz, my friend Trent met up with us for lunch and showed up bearing gifts for Alessandra, I saw several people from College Station throughout the weekend, and I was able to share tapas and a meal at an old college hangout with Sarmar.

Prior hobbies/interests- well, I didn't quite get to this...but it's only been two weeks since I decided I needed to turn things around!

Overall I feel really good about my progress in feeling in control of my life again.  I don't want to be a one-dimensional person with a singular purpose. I need to be a multi-dimensional person with a rich full life and I am starting to feel that way again.

At dinner with College Stations friends and Sarmar.  Alessandra was being cuddly with Daddy:

Alessandra is doing a great job of sitting up on her own.  She has very good posture too!  Here she is watching all the geeks walk to and from PAX South from our Hotel window.

Tapas with Sarmar:

Lunch with Liz at Mi Tierra.  There was gorgeous weather that day!

Another nice day! Walking to Buckhorn Saloon to meet Ryan's childhood friend Laura as well as my friend Trent-

Changes

I told myself that several things would not change when Alessandra arrived.  I wouldn't be one of those moms that didn't work out, that didn't cook meals, that didn't make time for her marriage, that lost touch with pre-baby friends, that lost interest in prior hobbies/interests, etc....but those things have really crept up on me over the last 5 months.  The really crazy thing - its NOT because of Alessandra.

My job demands have increased significantly for various reasons including the departure of the firm's most tenured attorney. I've slowly let things slip and I've just started the process of taking back all of those important pieces of my life.  I've made it a priority each day to set aside as much time as possible for Alessandra and, frankly, her demands don't allow me to lose sight or her importance in my life.  The other things in life are so much more voluntary and optional - they don't cry if I don't tend to them - so, if these things are really important to me, it's up to me to make sure that they continue to have a place in my life.

For now, here's the positive things that have been going on with Alessandra.  By next post, I hope to be reporting on all the other positive things going on in life!

Playing with her giraffe:

Alessandra sleeps through the night.  This is a big one! Most nights she sleeps from sometime before 9pm (8:30ish) until 7:30am.  This is PERFECT - it allows me to feed her, spend a little time with her in the evenings working on sills, and bathe her (on bath days) without having to keep her up.  She falls asleep late enough that I've enjoyed time with her, but early enough that I can at least rest or (more likely) take on other tasks for an hour or two before bed.  Once Alessandra wakes up I'm typically fully ready for work (showered, breakfast eaten, packed up) and I can give her my undivided attention until she is dropped off at Grandma's house.  I love mornings with her.  She is usually so cheerful and sweet in the morning.  Every now and then she wakes in the night but handling one or two days per week of interrupted sleep is much easier than regularly trying to function on interrupted sleep.  If she wakes a little early, Ryan steps in and watches her so I can finish getting ready for the day.

Alessandra has the smiliest little face.  Obviously Alessandra can't talk so it really helps me feel like she is doing well and enjoying her life when I so frequently see a big smile on that precious little face.  She always greets Daddy with a big squinty-eyed smile and she usually smiles when spoken to.  The smiles are big and they come easy.  I love it.

Laughter!  Alessandra finally laughs!  At first it was a very short chuckle but now we're getting longer giggles. She seems a little ticklish and cracks up at silly sounds and faces.  Sometimes the things she laughs about make sense and sometimes I wonder what in the world she found so funny.  No matter what, I love hearing her laughter.

Cruising.  Every time Alessandra's feet touch the ground, she immediately tries to walk.  We will guide her in different directions and she even takes sideways and backwards steps.  She is the cutest little moon-walker! Sometimes Ryan will lay down and stand her up on his tummy and she immediately starts trying to walk up his torso towards his head.  It's amazing how automatic that instinct is.  So far the closest she has been to walking is taking little steps while holding onto the side of her crib and holding on to the side of a bed.  I'm too afraid to just let go and see what happens but she mostly holds herself up with her own strength.  I'm going to be chasing her around the house in no time.

Rolling.  Alessandra has been rolling from front to back since she was a tiny baby but she just recently started rolling from back to front.  She did it once, seemingly on accident while trying to escape mommy's grasp, and has since delighted in rolling over repeatedly.  Grandma worked with Alessandra on rolling for some time and all that practice has finally paid off.  The first few times Alessandra rolled back to front, she was reaching for a toy or trying to see something over her head but now she rolls repeatedly and for no apparent reason. I think she is just enjoying the new mobility.

Alessandra rolling around:

Out for a walk on a cold day (low 50s) and out for a walk on a warm sunny day (upper 60s):

My Baby Bear is such a joy right now.  Other demands are keeping me pretty exhausted and stressed but my little lady has really adapted to a routine and has become so much easier to take care of.  I look forward to time with her.  I need to get a little more control over the other things at life but its tough with so much on my plate right now.  I'm taking steps in the right direction so hopefully things will improve soon.

Sleeping Baby

Our evenings aren't always the same.  My goal for the bedtime routines is 1) bottle 2) reading - currently the Bible - alternating between English & Spanish 3) snuggling/pacifier time 4) crib.

Well, on a rough night bottle time is interrupted by diaper changing, reading includes Alessandra being so noisy that she barely hears a word I say, snuggling is much more like wrestling an alligator with sharp little claws, and crib time involves so much foot stomping that we back up to part 2) all over again.

Going though this routine tonight was a bit rough but it got me thinking.  It's never the difficulties in the routine that bother me.  It's the pressure I feel to complete the routine so I can get back to the thousand other things I need to do that bothers me.  If I quit trying to finish the routine and get to the next thing - if I just embrace the fact that the routine will take more TIME than usual, I can fully accept & not be stressed out by the extra time and effort that a "rough" night entails.  I'm going to work on that.

But oh those easy nights...

On an easy night, bottle time goes quickly.  She holds my fingers in her little hands, she looks at me with those big sweet eyes, we just get to enjoy each other's company in silence as we wind down from the day.
On an easy night, Alessandra looks at me with excitement and a smiling eager face while I read to her about Jesus and tell her about God's love.
On an easy night, I feel absolute bliss as my perfect healthy and wonderful child drifts off to sleep in my arms.
Forget step four - I don't want to put her in her crib.  I want to just hold her a little longer.  A little warmer. A little more peacefully.  I want to linger in the little but complete world of bliss that my sleeping baby takes me to.

My perfect little lady sleeping peacefully in my arms during a nap:

Sometimes I lay down completely exhausted after a long day but I can't help but spend a few minutes just watching her sleep so sweetly through the baby monitor.

I don't know that there is anything more calming in my world than looking at this adorable little sleeping face.