The best way to be there for someone is to take care of yourself first.
I'm not encouraging selfishness, a desire for personal gain, a willingness to stomp on others to get what you want. What I am encouraging is the second greatest commandment: you shall love your neighbor as yourself.
It took a great deal of time for me to learn to love myself. I focused on others at my own expense. I didn't know how to define myself in ways other than the role I played in the lives of others. It took a therapist telling me that I suffered from depression as a result of my codependency for me to realize that my relationships weren't normal or healthy and that by continuing in them I was harming myself. It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I wasn't loving myself as I ought to.
What does that mean "as yourself". Why isn't the second commandment just "love your neighbor?" Why is it to love your neighbor as yourself?
Is there something wrong with caring for yourself?
When you get on an airplane the stewardess/stewards go over all the emergency procedures with you and one of the things they always tell you is - if the oxygen masks drop down, put on your mask first, then put an oxygen mask on your child passenger. Why? So selfish, right? No. Not selfish at all. If I'm passed out, what good am I to the person next to me. If I'm delirious, what good am I to the child next to me. If there isn't enough oxygen in my brain, how can I protect the welfare of others? How can I help you if my own need for oxygen isn't being met?
The same rules apply when it comes to being there in ways other than physical necessities. When we have made sure that our own needs are met - that we're at a certain level of stability - we become better able to meet the needs of others.
I can offer my family, from my parents down to my new baby, so much more when I have made sure my own needs are met. I offer a better service to my clients when I'm rested and prepared. I am a better companion for Ryan when I don't have so much on my plate that my joy is stolen and I feel overwhelmed. I'm a better mom to Alessandra when I've given myself the opportunity to recharge and regain perspective in the middle of a very demanding week. The people in my life deserve me at my best. They don't deserve to always be in the company of someone who is run down, overwhelmed, who doesn't have time for them, or who can't focus on the joys in life. They deserve to have someone in their life who knows how to love herself.
I used to pray to God - take care of me, help me not feel lonely, help me understand, help me see, give me vision, give me patience, let me believe in a future, help me help me help me me me. I needed that. It was crucial for my growth. I was at a place in life where I lacked internal stability. Now that I have it, I can turn my attention outwards. I pray now - God help me be great for them, help me love them, give me the strength to help them reach their potential, let me not tire from choosing what is difficult but right for their benefit, let them learn from my patience - from my love for others, let me demonstrate inner peace so that my little girl knows its attainable. Now that I'm whole, I have so much more to offer.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Reality
I want Alessandra to know love, beauty, goodness, kindness, and every other gift that God has created for us to experience and enjoy.
The reality is that I can't pick and choose what parts of life she experiences and I can't protect her from everything that is the inverse of the list above.
The best thing I can do for Alessandra is not to protect and shelter her from reality. I need to prepare her for it. I need to give her the mental, emotional and familial stability and background that will make her able to handle all that's out there.
I've struggled so much with reality. From about age 13 onwards I've dealt with depression, loneliness, feelings of helplessness, and all other sorts of internal struggles. Although it was a terrible period of about 7 years that I was pretty deep into those mental struggles, I'm now far enough past it that I can really learn from it and - God willing - become a better parent for it. I know what my struggles looked like - the sleepless nights, the interest in very angry & frustrated music, the lack of connection to authority figures such as teachers and other adults, the bad habits, the lack of any vision of my future or of what I may look like in it. I know that adults tended to dismiss my feelings - what problems can you possibly have? you're just a kid. what do you know about problems? just think about something else. Teachers - it absolutely blows my mind that not a single teacher ever reached out to me. I fell asleep in so many classrooms because I was unable to sleep with my mind racing at night. Teachers saw me go without smiling for weeks on end - disinterested, unenthusiastic, always tired. I think they mostly left me alone because I was getting great grades in honors and college level classes all while still in high-school. Grades told very little of my story. I will push Alessandra to excel academically and financially - without a doubt - but those priorities pale in comparison to raising a happy, fulfilled, confident individual.
I hope I can help prepare Alessandra so that she never deals with depression. I want her to know the beautiful things of the world so she has them for perspective before she is exposed to the bad in the world. I hope she feels loved, connected, noticed. I hope she doesn't grow up feeling lonely or helpless. I want her to know that I'm always here for her - to listen - not to judge. I want her to know that her problems aren't *just* children's problems but that her problems are 100% real to me because they are real to her. I hope if she succumbs to some of the same struggles I went through, I can be there for her, I can get her professional help, I can at least recognize what she is going through and let her know that I'm by her side through it all.
I realize this post isn't the most heart-warming and feel-good post to write on Christmas Day but it addresses reality and it comes from a good place. It comes from a place of parental love. My desire for Alessandra is to equip her for the worst things I've ever been through. I want to do what I can so that her worst struggles aren't what mine were. I love Alessandra so immensely. I love her in a way that I've never loved anyone else. It blows my mind to realize that other parents love their children the way I love her. It blows my mind to think that my parents love my sisters and me the way that I love Alessandra. It especially blows my mind to reflect on the fact that God loves me and all His other children this way but on an even greater scale.
The reality is that I can't pick and choose what parts of life she experiences and I can't protect her from everything that is the inverse of the list above.
The best thing I can do for Alessandra is not to protect and shelter her from reality. I need to prepare her for it. I need to give her the mental, emotional and familial stability and background that will make her able to handle all that's out there.
I've struggled so much with reality. From about age 13 onwards I've dealt with depression, loneliness, feelings of helplessness, and all other sorts of internal struggles. Although it was a terrible period of about 7 years that I was pretty deep into those mental struggles, I'm now far enough past it that I can really learn from it and - God willing - become a better parent for it. I know what my struggles looked like - the sleepless nights, the interest in very angry & frustrated music, the lack of connection to authority figures such as teachers and other adults, the bad habits, the lack of any vision of my future or of what I may look like in it. I know that adults tended to dismiss my feelings - what problems can you possibly have? you're just a kid. what do you know about problems? just think about something else. Teachers - it absolutely blows my mind that not a single teacher ever reached out to me. I fell asleep in so many classrooms because I was unable to sleep with my mind racing at night. Teachers saw me go without smiling for weeks on end - disinterested, unenthusiastic, always tired. I think they mostly left me alone because I was getting great grades in honors and college level classes all while still in high-school. Grades told very little of my story. I will push Alessandra to excel academically and financially - without a doubt - but those priorities pale in comparison to raising a happy, fulfilled, confident individual.
I hope I can help prepare Alessandra so that she never deals with depression. I want her to know the beautiful things of the world so she has them for perspective before she is exposed to the bad in the world. I hope she feels loved, connected, noticed. I hope she doesn't grow up feeling lonely or helpless. I want her to know that I'm always here for her - to listen - not to judge. I want her to know that her problems aren't *just* children's problems but that her problems are 100% real to me because they are real to her. I hope if she succumbs to some of the same struggles I went through, I can be there for her, I can get her professional help, I can at least recognize what she is going through and let her know that I'm by her side through it all.
I realize this post isn't the most heart-warming and feel-good post to write on Christmas Day but it addresses reality and it comes from a good place. It comes from a place of parental love. My desire for Alessandra is to equip her for the worst things I've ever been through. I want to do what I can so that her worst struggles aren't what mine were. I love Alessandra so immensely. I love her in a way that I've never loved anyone else. It blows my mind to realize that other parents love their children the way I love her. It blows my mind to think that my parents love my sisters and me the way that I love Alessandra. It especially blows my mind to reflect on the fact that God loves me and all His other children this way but on an even greater scale.
Friday, December 19, 2014
And the Greatest of These is Love
There is so much I want to teach Alessandra. There is so much I want to shelter her from in the world. The world is both so full of vice and so full of Goodness that some days the one makes me teary eyed and some days its the other.
When Ryan and I were in parenting classes we were asked what values or virtues we would want to pass on to our children. I immediately thought about "our" work ethic. Salvadorans are a hard-working bunch. I was raised to believe in a sense of duty and I come from a culture which has succeeded so well in America largely because of our incredible work ethic. I know many family members who have jobs that would earn them big bucks in this country but they don't earn nearly as much in the Motherland in that job. Why do they do those difficult jobs? They do it for reasons other than financial reasons.
I feel like my perspective has broadened so much in just the 6-9 months since we took that parenting class. Yes, I absolutely want to teach Alessandra to have a good work ethic. I have a law degree, one of my sisters has a masters degree, another sister just completed 18 hours worth of coursework while working full time as a teacher and raising twin sons. Aside from the credentials on paper, I could go on and on about my sisters' influence and successes. There is no doubt that a contagious work ethic is passed down from generation to generation among Salvadorans. But WHY does that matter? What should we work so hard for? Why should we devote ourselves so fully to these types of accomplishments?
The simple answer is others.
I feel a duty to be my best - to do my best - to always strive for excellence - for the benefit of others. Excellence in and of itself can and usually is a good - but excellence for the sake of others is a greater good.
I want Alessandra to care for others. I want her to look beyond the end of her nose. I'm not raising "my little princess". I'm raising someone hoping that she improves the lives of at least a few and possible many others. I continuously pray that I'm able to be the best mother possible for her. Why? I want to maximize her potential. I want to plant seeds of kindness and compassion. I want to show her that everyone is valuable, that everyone should have rights, that we ought to treat people equally.
I realize that not everyone agrees with my perspective. I went to a Baptist university for my undergraduate degree and a Catholic school for my law degree and I know that some of my thoughts are unpopular or unconventional. But the God that I'm acquainted with is a God of love. He is a God of forgiveness. He is the God that I will never deserve anything from. He is also the God that loves me despite my flaws, despite my imperfections, despite my sins, my shortcomings, my impatience, my state of being *only human*. I have such a beautiful life that I am moved to connect with Him every time I slow down and think about my blessings.
I don't believe that teaching Alessandra that a good work ethic in and of itself is the most valuable thing. My response when asked what virtues or values I want to pass on to her has shifted slightly since then. I want her to be moved to action because of that love for her fellow man. I don't want her to work hard for the sake of working hard. I want her to love her fellow man. I don't want her to belittle, manipulate, take advantage of, or in any way harm other people. I want her to be a blessing to them. I hope they can look at her and know that being in her presence means being in a place of care and compassion and not being in a place of judgment or resentment.
I thank God for the opportunity to be a mother. I grow as a person so much just by having Alessandra in my life. Yes, she's *just* a baby now - with all the accompanying lack of sleep, drool, spit up, diapers, etc. But being a baby is just a temporary thing. She will grow up into a toddler, an adolescent, an adult. My focus isn't on being a good mother to a baby - it's on being a good mother to a person that will have the inevitable ability to affect the lives of others. I want her to transition through the phases of life with the most positive effect possible.
When Ryan and I were in parenting classes we were asked what values or virtues we would want to pass on to our children. I immediately thought about "our" work ethic. Salvadorans are a hard-working bunch. I was raised to believe in a sense of duty and I come from a culture which has succeeded so well in America largely because of our incredible work ethic. I know many family members who have jobs that would earn them big bucks in this country but they don't earn nearly as much in the Motherland in that job. Why do they do those difficult jobs? They do it for reasons other than financial reasons.
I feel like my perspective has broadened so much in just the 6-9 months since we took that parenting class. Yes, I absolutely want to teach Alessandra to have a good work ethic. I have a law degree, one of my sisters has a masters degree, another sister just completed 18 hours worth of coursework while working full time as a teacher and raising twin sons. Aside from the credentials on paper, I could go on and on about my sisters' influence and successes. There is no doubt that a contagious work ethic is passed down from generation to generation among Salvadorans. But WHY does that matter? What should we work so hard for? Why should we devote ourselves so fully to these types of accomplishments?
The simple answer is others.
I feel a duty to be my best - to do my best - to always strive for excellence - for the benefit of others. Excellence in and of itself can and usually is a good - but excellence for the sake of others is a greater good.
I want Alessandra to care for others. I want her to look beyond the end of her nose. I'm not raising "my little princess". I'm raising someone hoping that she improves the lives of at least a few and possible many others. I continuously pray that I'm able to be the best mother possible for her. Why? I want to maximize her potential. I want to plant seeds of kindness and compassion. I want to show her that everyone is valuable, that everyone should have rights, that we ought to treat people equally.
I realize that not everyone agrees with my perspective. I went to a Baptist university for my undergraduate degree and a Catholic school for my law degree and I know that some of my thoughts are unpopular or unconventional. But the God that I'm acquainted with is a God of love. He is a God of forgiveness. He is the God that I will never deserve anything from. He is also the God that loves me despite my flaws, despite my imperfections, despite my sins, my shortcomings, my impatience, my state of being *only human*. I have such a beautiful life that I am moved to connect with Him every time I slow down and think about my blessings.
I don't believe that teaching Alessandra that a good work ethic in and of itself is the most valuable thing. My response when asked what virtues or values I want to pass on to her has shifted slightly since then. I want her to be moved to action because of that love for her fellow man. I don't want her to work hard for the sake of working hard. I want her to love her fellow man. I don't want her to belittle, manipulate, take advantage of, or in any way harm other people. I want her to be a blessing to them. I hope they can look at her and know that being in her presence means being in a place of care and compassion and not being in a place of judgment or resentment.
I thank God for the opportunity to be a mother. I grow as a person so much just by having Alessandra in my life. Yes, she's *just* a baby now - with all the accompanying lack of sleep, drool, spit up, diapers, etc. But being a baby is just a temporary thing. She will grow up into a toddler, an adolescent, an adult. My focus isn't on being a good mother to a baby - it's on being a good mother to a person that will have the inevitable ability to affect the lives of others. I want her to transition through the phases of life with the most positive effect possible.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Lord, never let me forget
Sometimes we're given the fortunate and unfortunate opportunity to learn from someone else's life experience. This week I learned difficult news about the child of someone I know and it made me pause and think about things. What am I doing with my life? Are my priorities where they should be? Does Alessandra have the benefit of everything that she deserves and everything that I would wish for her.
Would I prioritize things differently if I knew we only had 20 years left? Would I make more time for her now if I knew we only had 15 years left? In some ways it's morbid thinking that we shouldn't set our minds to for too long but in other ways its important to ask these questions to ensure that we're reminded of the big picture and that we're living life authentically.
Lord, let me never take for granted and let me never forget the importance of every single moment with her.
The way her face looks, never fearful - always inquisitive and determined - when I introduce a new toy or a new challenge.
The way her face lights up and she smiles both with her mouth and with her eyes when she sees me in the morning.
How warm her perfect little head with its fuzzy coating of hair feels when I rest my cheek on it while holding her.
The beautiful sound of her voice when she speaks to me with a tone that ranges from excited to argumentative.
The way her little fingers wrap so softly around mine when I hold her bottle and she holds my hand.
The way she looks to me with those big saucer eyes when something is wrong and she knows I can make things better.
How quickly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts off to sleep when she's worn out and in my arms.
My heart now walks around outside my body. I pray always for perspective, for strength, that God helps me be a good Mama, and that my little love always be happy, healthy & fulfilled.
Would I prioritize things differently if I knew we only had 20 years left? Would I make more time for her now if I knew we only had 15 years left? In some ways it's morbid thinking that we shouldn't set our minds to for too long but in other ways its important to ask these questions to ensure that we're reminded of the big picture and that we're living life authentically.
Lord, let me never take for granted and let me never forget the importance of every single moment with her.
The way her face looks, never fearful - always inquisitive and determined - when I introduce a new toy or a new challenge.
The way her face lights up and she smiles both with her mouth and with her eyes when she sees me in the morning.
How warm her perfect little head with its fuzzy coating of hair feels when I rest my cheek on it while holding her.
The beautiful sound of her voice when she speaks to me with a tone that ranges from excited to argumentative.
The way her little fingers wrap so softly around mine when I hold her bottle and she holds my hand.
The way she looks to me with those big saucer eyes when something is wrong and she knows I can make things better.
How quickly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts off to sleep when she's worn out and in my arms.
My heart now walks around outside my body. I pray always for perspective, for strength, that God helps me be a good Mama, and that my little love always be happy, healthy & fulfilled.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
A Week of Bliss
I took the entire week of Thanksgiving off from work to spend time with my family!! I ran into some issues that kept the week from being as I had envisioned - some family members got sick, I had to do some catch up work from home due to last week's computer crash, and other life stuff got thrown my way.
Even though the week didn't go as planned in my mind, it went exceedingly well!!
The weather was glorious for most of the week so I got a good bit of exercise in. During our walks, Alessandra either seemed playful or slept in her stroller.
Here's Alessandra looking down while riding in her stroller. She was wearing her penguin knit cap from grandma Gosewehr.
More stroller time - she sticks her lips out often - usually with suckling movements. It looks like she's making a kissy face!
I got more cuddle time and naps in with Alessandra than I'm used to. It was so nice to just have time to slow down and enjoy our moments together. I'm so often in a rush to get things done - dishes, bath, pumping, work, etc. - it was so wonderful to just take in each moment without worrying about what I had to do next.
We took some selfies to send to Daddy while he was at work.
Instead of just the enrichment hour that I usually strive for with Alessandra, I spent multiple hours per day working on her skills. We worked on everything from vocabulary in different languages, to sitting up, rolling front to back, rolling back to front, and even standing and taking steps with assistance. Alessandra is such a determined little lady so it is always fun to see how much she learns and how much she pushes herself during our skill sessions. Sharing these sessions with Ryan over the weekend was an absolute joy. I love how his face lights up when he sees her do new things. I love how Alessandra always looks for him and smiles at him upon seeing his face.
Alessandra is working on learning to crawl.
She didn't mind sitting while she played with her giraffe.
But then she seemed unsure about the whole thing.
Rolling around is a frequent occurrence these days.
Alessandra likes sitting and standing on Daddy's tummy. She usually coos at him and they make faces at each other.
Alessandra wants to walk like the big kids. She knows she has to put one foot in front of the other but isn't stable yet.
For months, Alessandra has been laying in her gym daily (thanks to our friends SarMar) but she recently decided she prefers sitting or standing at her gym.
As I said in a previous post, I really enjoy what I do for a living so I'm not about to be a stay at home mom - but I absolutely look forward to vacation and making time for the important people in my life. Now that Alessandra has entered my life, I just wish every day had a couple more hours so I could spend more time with her. So many things came up that tried to get in the way, but I needed this past week with her. She is my absolute joy & I feel so blessed to be her Mama. Although I would like to take all the credit for the amazing little lady that she is, so much of the pace at which Alessandra learns and the wonderful joy she is to be around is just because of her innate personality. She is my wonderful little blessing & I try to cherish every moment with her.
Even though the week didn't go as planned in my mind, it went exceedingly well!!
The weather was glorious for most of the week so I got a good bit of exercise in. During our walks, Alessandra either seemed playful or slept in her stroller.
Here's Alessandra looking down while riding in her stroller. She was wearing her penguin knit cap from grandma Gosewehr.
More stroller time - she sticks her lips out often - usually with suckling movements. It looks like she's making a kissy face!
I got more cuddle time and naps in with Alessandra than I'm used to. It was so nice to just have time to slow down and enjoy our moments together. I'm so often in a rush to get things done - dishes, bath, pumping, work, etc. - it was so wonderful to just take in each moment without worrying about what I had to do next.
We took some selfies to send to Daddy while he was at work.
Instead of just the enrichment hour that I usually strive for with Alessandra, I spent multiple hours per day working on her skills. We worked on everything from vocabulary in different languages, to sitting up, rolling front to back, rolling back to front, and even standing and taking steps with assistance. Alessandra is such a determined little lady so it is always fun to see how much she learns and how much she pushes herself during our skill sessions. Sharing these sessions with Ryan over the weekend was an absolute joy. I love how his face lights up when he sees her do new things. I love how Alessandra always looks for him and smiles at him upon seeing his face.
Alessandra is working on learning to crawl.
She didn't mind sitting while she played with her giraffe.
But then she seemed unsure about the whole thing.
Rolling around is a frequent occurrence these days.
Alessandra likes sitting and standing on Daddy's tummy. She usually coos at him and they make faces at each other.
Alessandra wants to walk like the big kids. She knows she has to put one foot in front of the other but isn't stable yet.
For months, Alessandra has been laying in her gym daily (thanks to our friends SarMar) but she recently decided she prefers sitting or standing at her gym.
As I said in a previous post, I really enjoy what I do for a living so I'm not about to be a stay at home mom - but I absolutely look forward to vacation and making time for the important people in my life. Now that Alessandra has entered my life, I just wish every day had a couple more hours so I could spend more time with her. So many things came up that tried to get in the way, but I needed this past week with her. She is my absolute joy & I feel so blessed to be her Mama. Although I would like to take all the credit for the amazing little lady that she is, so much of the pace at which Alessandra learns and the wonderful joy she is to be around is just because of her innate personality. She is my wonderful little blessing & I try to cherish every moment with her.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Mom Body
Two people commented this week about how I've lost all the pregnancy weight. The crazy thing about it is, I'm not in a big rush to lose it all. I gained 45 lbs total during the pregnancy! I lost 26 lbs of that within 10 days of delivering Alessandra - it's impossible to lose weight that quickly so that wasn't really "gained weight" so much as baby, her habitat, and other retained water/swelling. Once that was off, it's been a slow decline from 19 lbs above pre-pregnancy weight to my current 8 lbs above pre-pregnancy weight. I've been getting back into exercise and I've been eating better - with some indulgences with the reasoning that I am breastfeeding. But now that I've experienced what my body is capable of I just don't see it the same way as I did before Alessandra. I've never been one to focus on objectifying myself and I've never sought too much attention or focus on my appearance but I am definitely guilty of focusing on carving out "perfection" in my body. I've set goals to reach a certain weight, a certain body fat percentage, and even a certain appearance - come on ABS!
Now I know how much of a beating my body can take and that it can bring forth the most amazing person in the world.
Pregnancy is a beast. Childbirth is excruciating. Nursing is exhausting. I realize that people's experience can differ but I was not a "glower". I was a miserable pregnant lady and it's been a slow recovery since I gave birth. It took about 11 weeks before I really felt like myself again.
Timeline:
Trying to conceive - thankfully this period didn't last too long for us. I only underwent one minor medical procedure to help the process along. The biggest change was that I had to tone down my workouts immensely. Taking the workouts way down and increasing my food intake made me gain a little weight but I still felt great.
The first trimester - nausea-ville, oh, and, sleepy-ville. Every bit of joy that I previously got out of eating was gone. I would eat to ensure that baby was nourished but good grief. Most of the day I was trying to think about something else other than how ill and how tired I felt. I was so tired it was unreal. I would just fall asleep anywhere. I even fell asleep in the middle of a huge family gathering up in Wisconsin. It didn't matter. I napped in anybody's house. I napped in family's houses, in friends' houses, anywhere I could be still for 10+ minutes. Putting in my hours at work took all my energy and there was just nothing left when I got home. Nausea and sleeping - day after day.
The second trimester - a welcome reprieve. I had a little bit of my energy back and I got to where I could eat a variety of foods again. I no longer had to eat bread, crackers & pizza to avoid nausea - I could eat protein and fruit without feeling ill or having indigestion. I continued going for walks and lifting light weights for exercise.
The third trimester - Lord help me. The third trimester I was a miserable person to be around. I gained 27 lbs in the third trimester! I hated being asked how I was doing. Can't you tell just from looking at me?! I look awful! I feel awful! It's all awful and this was a mistake and I hate everything. It wasn't the weight that made me feel awful - just the general toll that pregnancy takes on the body.
-I barely slept. I'd wake up so many times during the night to use the restroom, because of heartburn, or because I was just plain uncomfortable. I slept more after Alessandra was born than I did during the third trimester.
-Everything hurt. My hips, my back, pain shot down my legs. Laying down hurt. Getting up hurt. Hurt hurt hurt.
-I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I was so puffy. I retained water like crazy. I would look at my feet and my hands and they looked like rubber gloves that had been overfilled with water. I bought bigger and wider shoes and would still have imprints from the shoes pressed into my feet at the end of the day.
-Laying down I'd get acid reflux, numb areas on my body, or felt like I couldn't breathe.
-I could barely walk. When I heard the annual work trip was to the Dallas World Aquarium I immediately said I'd rather go to work that day. Anything sounded better than being on my feet.
-Gosh it was hot too. It was always so hot. Stinky gross hot. Ryan was always freezing in our house but I still felt hot.
The fourth trimester - yes this is real. So many ups and downs. My body was not immediately back to normal just because Alessandra arrived. My hormones were all over the place so I'd cry and cry and cry over just about anything. Ryan got to where he could sense the tears coming and he'd rush over and start comforting me before the first tear even fell. Healing was so slow. Without going into too much detail - an ENTIRE HUMAN came out of my body. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz. I needed the full seven weeks of maternity leave just to be able to sit comfortably again. It took closer to eleven weeks to feel "normal" again. Even now, certain things are just off. If I make any kind of jerky movement my joints ache for a day. Breastfeeding isn't nearly as enjoyable as all the smiling beautiful pictures we're sold make it seem. It's uncomfortable, it's messy-especially at first, and it is so demanding finding the time and energy to pump milk now that I'm back at work. I know it's good for Alessandra so I do it.
I have so much more respect and appreciation for the human body than I did before pregnancy. I have such a more positive focus on my body now that I've experienced all of that. As soon as Alessandra was born I was like - wow - I spent the last 9 months making that perfect little being. She's incredible and beautiful and strong. Now that she's here, it still blows my mind that I keep her alive. My body is what kept her alive while she was knit together and it keeps her alive now. That just blows my mind.
I can really appreciate feeling good now that I've felt awful. I can appreciate what my body can do and how well it can perform now that it's been through a long period of limitations. I appreciate how my body looks now that I've worn it without even being able to recognize it as my own.
There's no part of my body that I'm embarrassed about. I don't hate the stretch marks. I don't mind that I wear clothes a size or two larger than before. It's ok that I smell of milk. It's all fine.
I made this amazing little person and she couldn't be healthier. She couldn't be more perfect. I will never hate my body again.
Now I know how much of a beating my body can take and that it can bring forth the most amazing person in the world.
Pregnancy is a beast. Childbirth is excruciating. Nursing is exhausting. I realize that people's experience can differ but I was not a "glower". I was a miserable pregnant lady and it's been a slow recovery since I gave birth. It took about 11 weeks before I really felt like myself again.
Timeline:
Trying to conceive - thankfully this period didn't last too long for us. I only underwent one minor medical procedure to help the process along. The biggest change was that I had to tone down my workouts immensely. Taking the workouts way down and increasing my food intake made me gain a little weight but I still felt great.
The first trimester - nausea-ville, oh, and, sleepy-ville. Every bit of joy that I previously got out of eating was gone. I would eat to ensure that baby was nourished but good grief. Most of the day I was trying to think about something else other than how ill and how tired I felt. I was so tired it was unreal. I would just fall asleep anywhere. I even fell asleep in the middle of a huge family gathering up in Wisconsin. It didn't matter. I napped in anybody's house. I napped in family's houses, in friends' houses, anywhere I could be still for 10+ minutes. Putting in my hours at work took all my energy and there was just nothing left when I got home. Nausea and sleeping - day after day.
The second trimester - a welcome reprieve. I had a little bit of my energy back and I got to where I could eat a variety of foods again. I no longer had to eat bread, crackers & pizza to avoid nausea - I could eat protein and fruit without feeling ill or having indigestion. I continued going for walks and lifting light weights for exercise.
The third trimester - Lord help me. The third trimester I was a miserable person to be around. I gained 27 lbs in the third trimester! I hated being asked how I was doing. Can't you tell just from looking at me?! I look awful! I feel awful! It's all awful and this was a mistake and I hate everything. It wasn't the weight that made me feel awful - just the general toll that pregnancy takes on the body.
-I barely slept. I'd wake up so many times during the night to use the restroom, because of heartburn, or because I was just plain uncomfortable. I slept more after Alessandra was born than I did during the third trimester.
-Everything hurt. My hips, my back, pain shot down my legs. Laying down hurt. Getting up hurt. Hurt hurt hurt.
-I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I was so puffy. I retained water like crazy. I would look at my feet and my hands and they looked like rubber gloves that had been overfilled with water. I bought bigger and wider shoes and would still have imprints from the shoes pressed into my feet at the end of the day.
-Laying down I'd get acid reflux, numb areas on my body, or felt like I couldn't breathe.
-I could barely walk. When I heard the annual work trip was to the Dallas World Aquarium I immediately said I'd rather go to work that day. Anything sounded better than being on my feet.
-Gosh it was hot too. It was always so hot. Stinky gross hot. Ryan was always freezing in our house but I still felt hot.
The fourth trimester - yes this is real. So many ups and downs. My body was not immediately back to normal just because Alessandra arrived. My hormones were all over the place so I'd cry and cry and cry over just about anything. Ryan got to where he could sense the tears coming and he'd rush over and start comforting me before the first tear even fell. Healing was so slow. Without going into too much detail - an ENTIRE HUMAN came out of my body. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz. I needed the full seven weeks of maternity leave just to be able to sit comfortably again. It took closer to eleven weeks to feel "normal" again. Even now, certain things are just off. If I make any kind of jerky movement my joints ache for a day. Breastfeeding isn't nearly as enjoyable as all the smiling beautiful pictures we're sold make it seem. It's uncomfortable, it's messy-especially at first, and it is so demanding finding the time and energy to pump milk now that I'm back at work. I know it's good for Alessandra so I do it.
I have so much more respect and appreciation for the human body than I did before pregnancy. I have such a more positive focus on my body now that I've experienced all of that. As soon as Alessandra was born I was like - wow - I spent the last 9 months making that perfect little being. She's incredible and beautiful and strong. Now that she's here, it still blows my mind that I keep her alive. My body is what kept her alive while she was knit together and it keeps her alive now. That just blows my mind.
I can really appreciate feeling good now that I've felt awful. I can appreciate what my body can do and how well it can perform now that it's been through a long period of limitations. I appreciate how my body looks now that I've worn it without even being able to recognize it as my own.
There's no part of my body that I'm embarrassed about. I don't hate the stretch marks. I don't mind that I wear clothes a size or two larger than before. It's ok that I smell of milk. It's all fine.
I made this amazing little person and she couldn't be healthier. She couldn't be more perfect. I will never hate my body again.
Monday, November 3, 2014
3 Months
Time has flown by. In some ways the days feel endless and like they all run together but trying to savor every moment means that all the busyness happens at such a fast pace.
Even though she is only three months old, I really feel like Alessandra's temperament and personality are already established and expressed on a daily basis. Lucky for me, she is a very lovable wonderful little person!
For her daytime Halloween costume, Alessandra dressed as Baby Flo.
For her daytime Halloween costume, Alessandra dressed as Baby Flo.
She sleeps well. She's slept stretches of up to 4 hours since she was just a couple of weeks old. Recently her sleep stretches at least 5 hours on a consistent basis and up to 7 or even 9 hours on occasion.
My sweet little sleeper.
My sweet little sleeper.
She fusses little. If Alessandra fusses I can almost guarantee she needs food, a nap, or a diaper change. I hear about purple crying, the "witching hour", etc. but Alessandra really doesn't give us any trouble unless she wants something very basic and her fussiness is very easily resolved.
She's easy to please. For fun: Almost any new toy or new activity we introduced is fascinating and holds her attention for a long period of time. For necessities: Alessandra doesn't fuss about who gives her a bottle, what's in the bottle (we use formula on occasion), whether her bottle is straight out of the fridge or warm, etc. Alessandra will fall asleep in a variety of places in almost anyone's care. She can sleep in her crib, in her swing, in my arms. I didn't realize how picky other children were about these kinds of things until now that I'm surrounded by other new parents.
She's social. Alessandra is quick with a smile. She allows anyone to carry her, isn't afraid of anyone, and loves to coo and smile at new people. She can interact with anyone from a very calm soothing grandpa to an energetic 2 year old cousin and she is just as happy.
She enjoys being loved on by Grandpa Hernandez and cousin Isabella.
So many smiles.
She's determined. It's amazing how I can show her how to do something and she will just keep trying until she can do it herself. She doesn't lose interest easily, she remains very focused, and she does not give up until she does what she sets out to do. It is so rewarding to help her learn new things.
I love so many things about her! My precious girl brings me so much joy! It's worth all the work and exhaustion to get to share in this love relationship with this wonderful little person.
She's social. Alessandra is quick with a smile. She allows anyone to carry her, isn't afraid of anyone, and loves to coo and smile at new people. She can interact with anyone from a very calm soothing grandpa to an energetic 2 year old cousin and she is just as happy.
She enjoys being loved on by Grandpa Hernandez and cousin Isabella.
So many smiles.
She's determined. It's amazing how I can show her how to do something and she will just keep trying until she can do it herself. She doesn't lose interest easily, she remains very focused, and she does not give up until she does what she sets out to do. It is so rewarding to help her learn new things.
I love so many things about her! My precious girl brings me so much joy! It's worth all the work and exhaustion to get to share in this love relationship with this wonderful little person.
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