Seeds of Fear, Seeds of Hate, Spark of the Divine

A little girl at the playground tried to ridicule and humiliate my daughter for speaking Spanish.

My immediate responses were many.  The protector Mama Bear came out and I wanted to save my daughter from the situation.  I felt pure shock and my jaw hit the floor.  For a moment I felt responsible for what she was experiencing. I taught her Spanish, after all.  I heard a stranger (not the child's parent) chime in to try to diffuse the situation by encouraging the little girl to consider that it may be a good thing to speak both English and Spanish.

I took a deep breath and did not intervene.  I watched how Alessandra responded.  She smiled at the other little girl, sat next to her, said "Hi", and introduced herself.  For now, at least, Alessandra's own innocence meant she wasn't negatively affected by someone trying to degrade her.

Lord help me never to sow seeds of fear or hate in my child.  

It's not us versus them.  It's not familiar versus other.  It's just all of God's lost creatures discovering the spark of the Divine and trying to find their way through this mess together.

I can't shield my daughter from the world.  She will almost certainly go through much worse experiences - as I have - but, God-willing, she will come out of those situations with more wisdom, more love, and more compassion then she had before.

Our children are a blank slate.  They are innocent.  They know some level of selfishness, of course.  But what they don't know is prejudice, bias, and hate without being taught.

I pray to God every night to help me make good decisions.  If I can just make good decisions and set the right example for my daughter, maybe I can help build a foundation so strong that she can weather any storm, know her worth, and stand firm in her convictions.

My daughter.  Let me not show you the darkness. Let me show you the Light.

You were made for Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Far From Perfect

I'm very grateful for what I have in my life and I'm proud of where I've ended up, but there are days that are filled with endless struggle.

It can be a very frustrating, intimidating, overwhelming, or even terrifying to take a long hard look at yourself. What's even more overwhelming is those times that you're not afforded the luxury of choosing whether or not to take a long hard long into the abyss - you feel stuck there.  You're stuck in repetitive thoughts.  You're stuck in self-defeating behaviors.  You're stuck in sour relationships.  You're stuck in a feeling or a thought that you just can't seem to shake.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I've relied on my family to get me out of the depths.  I've been blessed with a few great friends who've sought me out when I got lost in the darkness.  I've had a powerful God to turn to for warmth at times when I just felt numb.  And, yes, I have reached out to mental health professionals at multiple points throughout my life.

I feel no shame, no weakness, and no less proud of what I've done with my life just because I sought professional mental health when I needed it.  In fact, it's something we should encourage in others and be proud of.  

The person most capable of taking care of me is me.  The person most able to figure out when I've had enough and I need assistance is me.  It's my responsibility to make sure that I'm okay.  It's my responsibility to reach out for help when I'm not okay.

Doesn't my daughter deserve the healthiest me?  Doesn't my community benefit from what I do the most when I am the healthiest me? Don't I owe it to myself to be the best me possible so I can be the best vessel for God's work that I can possibly be?  If I'm using all of my energy fighting my own demons and focusing so much of my mind space on my internal struggle, how can I turn my attention outwards and help others?

It's World Mental Health Day and I just want to encourage anyone who is going through what I've been through or who is fighting their own internal battles to reach out for help.  I would love to hear from you and support you.

It Takes a Village

Ryan goes on a business trip for one week every year.  Every year I humble myself, admit my limitations, and rely heavily on my village in order to survive the week.

My village consists of...

My mother-in-law - who cares for Alessandra three full work days per week and half days two days per week. Alessandra is so attached to Judy and really looks forward to going to grandma's house.

The church daycare - who care for Alessandra the other two half days.

The Hernandez side of the family - who invite us to dinner, join us for recreation around the neighborhood, and otherwise help me burn off Alessandra's energy.

My boss - who understands when I need to arrive late, leave early, make up time, or have a worried look on my face because I'm trying to be a good mom.

My fellow young moms - who check in on me daily, offer tips for helping a child adapt to a missing parent, and generally commiserate about the challenges of motherhood.

Boston Market (chicken), Chick-fil-a (chicken strips), Braum's (chicken strips...yes my daughter likes chicken that much) - who save me from burning food or, worse yet, burning my child while cooking.

Outside - for generally having a calming affect on my child while remaining intriguing.

The TV - for entertaining my child while I run around like a crazy person in the morning trying to pack Alessandra's lunch and put on my makeup.

The car-seat -  for lulling Alessandra to sleep so I don't have to sing the alphabet, Bingo, or the itsy-bitsy spider for the 10th time during our car ride home.

The pacifier - for assisting in bribing my child into brushing her teeth at night with less of a war than usual.

Jesus - for hearing my hundredth "oh no!" and thousandth "THANK YOU" every single day.

I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything but I sure appreciate and miss hubby.

Happy in Daddy's arms:

Blowing kisses to Daddy over face-time:

Visiting Mama at work:

Being a lawyer is exhausting:

Authentic Self

Does fulfilling your obligations feed you and/or does it drain you?

There are so many demands on our time, energy, and money.
We have so much to take care of, so many people to please, so many expectations to meet.

It's a beautiful thing when you can mark all the items of the to-do list (for the day!), meet all your deadlines, and meet everyone's expectations and feel peaceful, fulfilled, and energized by the process.

There are millions - no, billions - of people in this world for which I am a poor substitute.  I was Given certain sensitivities, interests, strengths, skills, and gifts so that I could do all those things that were written into my story before I was even born.

Even in the gifts, even in the Blessings, even in the self-actualizing, fulfilling, amazing moments in life there will be obstacles, there will be challenges, there will be negativity - but when you're doing something that allows you to be uniquely you, it's so worth it.

Some people don't have it yet.  Some people don't have the answer to the questions - What are you passionate about? What makes it all worthwhile for you? What's your purpose?

There are levels of answers.  We have spheres of influence.  We have to interact with people to whom we mean the world, we are neighbors to people who we may know only for a moment, we are the child of Love walking though existence with an awareness of the Sacrifice he sent for us - specifically, not generally - meant to fulfill timeless purposes.

I'm here to be mama bear to little lady and to my hubby in a way that only I can.  I'm here to look in a client's eyes or a juror's eyes in a way that only I can. I'm here to carry a spark of the Divine in a way that only I can.

It's ok if you haven't found that passion yet - that completeness - that meaning.  It doesn't mean there isn't such a thing in store for you.  A gift may be only a gift that lasts for a season.  There may be various destinations along this journey.  Maybe you had a season of Blessing and now you are in transition.  Keep yearning.  Keep searching.  Keep experimenting.  Keep stepping out of your comfort zone.  Keep surrendering to something larger than yourself.  There is something(s) to be found that is worth fighting for.

Women

For some time now, I've been involved in various groups tied to the legal profession. However, I recently joined a "girl attorney" group (their words not mine).

Ready? Here's my rant:

I don't consider myself a "girl".
I love that there is a word for senorita and a word for senora, a Ms. and a Mrs, a miss and a ma'am. I am a grown person and a far cry from the young girl I once was.  I am a WOMAN. I embrace it.


The struggle is real.
* Yes, I too struggle with working-mom-guilt. Yes I wish I had more time for my child.
* Yes, I too struggle with self-consciousness about my appearance. I get the "what is your make-up routine" posts and the "what should I wear on non-court dates at the office" questions.
* Yes, I too deal with men from archaic times who don't understand how a being with a womb could possibly be a lawyer and not a legal assistant.  I've been asked if I'm a legal assistant, a court reporter, an interpreter (I'm a latina after all), and a criminal defendant.

But what do we DO about it? What do we MAKE of the circumstances?  How do we stand up AGAINST and TO this presumption that we're "just girls"?

I remember being a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 2L.  I managed to get awesome summer jobs during law school.  I'd walk in on the first day of employment, eager as could be, and the other attorneys in the profession would ridicule, envy, and spite me.

In so many ways, I now know better.  I know that judges with bias exist.  I know that unreasonable juries are a reality.  I know that great cases can be destroyed with clients with public speaking deficits.  I'm in tune with the complexities and realities of litigation, but, Lord help me, I will never lose the fire in my belly and the sparkle in my eyes.

I know that, come what may, no matter the challenges, no matter the nay-sayers, the envious, the spiteful, or the ignorant, I will give my best.  Win or lose, I chose the role I play.  I have control and ownership over my role and that can never be taken from me.  My clients can trust me to be what I've sworn to be - their zealous advocate.

Gender neutral.
Whose advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Who is the advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Zealous advocate.

I am but one person.  I cannot change the hearts of man. I cannot make the world just.  I cannot stomp out evil simply by willing it.

I can give my best. I can deliver on my commitments.  I can prepare.  I can pray to the infinite Being to be my Path, my Guide, my Wisdom, and my Heart.

I can show up, look sharp, and not back down - just as I promised myself in the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed days a decade ago.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Bring a person/being/object you love into focus.

Set a timer (or not).  Clear out all the chatter and all the to-dos.  Let your mind be saturated and consumed by the goodness that this particular blessing has brought into your life.

Hello perspective.  Hello gratitude.  Hello peace.  Hello ebbing and flowing of love.

One step further, the Origin of this blessing.

Perspective.  Gratitude.  Peace.  Love.

Something Divine

The world comes at us with its efforts to lure, confuse, enrage, seduce, divide, and appease.  Something as simple as scrolling through Facebook or joining co-workers at the proverbial water-cooler, can launch us into unproductive thought and conversation.  As Christians, we have instructions about how to treat our mind and on what to do with it.  We're given instructions as to the proper Objects on which a mind should focus.

One such instruction-
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Why?  Why is it important to fill our minds with these things?

First, its not that we're not to acknowledge or be proactive about problems in the world.  We are to be in tune with reality and to be leaders within our sphere of influence.  That call to be in the world and to make it - a little bit more each day - look like the place God willed for us is exactly why it matters what is displayed in the panoramic screen of our mind.

What is your motivation? Where does your strength lie? Do you fight for something, or only ever against? What do you seek to create? What were you born to do?  How do you define the very things you want to become?  Are you already some version of those things?  

How can I pass on to others what is true, what is pure, and what is worth of praise if I'm not familiar with it myself?  How can I expect to help grow those things in others if I'm not looking for and attentive to those things in my own mind?

Thank you Lord, for seeing not as a man sees. You know our every thought.  We can conceal nothing from You.  Knowing us as whole beings - knowing us as beings with Minds - You've set out instruction, protection, comfort, hope, drive and all of the other gifts of the mind.  We so easily are distracted by that which is unproductive.  Thank You for Your Word and the reminders of who we are and of what we're capable of.  Help us break through our limitations and access the thoughts that are truly worthy of the mind.

Family

The people who are there through your daily struggles and daily accomplishments.

The people you can call twice a year to share the highest highs and the lowest lows.

The people you haven't seen in 16 years who know you and care about you.

The people who share the same Father as you, who pray for you and your loved ones without ceasing.

The people who've never met you who would bleed for you and lay down their life for you.

We must remember that we are family.

"I don't have any college degrees, but I have 9."

My sister received her Master's Degree this weekend.  She is a mother of twins, works full-time as a teacher, and, like many of us, has many demands on her time.  My family attended the ceremony and we all got together to celebrate at my sister's home with lasagna, champagne, and cake once the ceremony was complete.

I couldn't be more proud of my sisters. Elisa earned her Master's Degree several years ago and now Susana has hers to.   I come home after working full-time, tend to only one child, and can't imagine having to go to school at this particular point in my life.  I think it is amazing that Susana made all the necessary sacrifices (time, money, rest sweet rest) to accomplish this huge goal in her life.  She isn't even finished yet!  She may take some time off first, but she plans to resume her education and complete her PhD.  I admire her for continuing to educate herself.  I thank God for giving her a husband that has supported her goals.  I cannot ignore the look of beaming pride on my mother's face after my mom received her "9
th college degree" - two for Susana, two for Elisa, two for me, and three for my dad.  This was as much my mom's accomplishment as it was my sister's.

Now that I'm a mother I see the world differently.  It takes a hundred good and selfless decisions each week to raise a decent human being.  It's demanding.  It's exhausting.  It's the BEST work God has entrusted to me in my life.  Yes, some people become amazing without a good mother.  The odds were against you.  Congratulations! How did you even do it?  The truth is, I don't know if I could have done it.

I look at what I've done, at what I've gone through, at what I strive for and I see my mother every step of the way.  She was there when I moved to American and didn't speak English.  She watched countless hours of American TV with me - Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, presidential speeches - hoping that I would pick up the English language quickly.  She attended American college in her 30s so she could learn English for the benefit of the entire family.  I remember my mom being there to tell me that other girls were just jealous of me or that they didn't understand me when I moved to a new school and soon made far fewer friends than enemies.  I remember when my first marriage fell apart, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, and I just couldn't find a way to go on.  My mother, first and foremost, was there to tell me to keep my eye on the prize.  I'm not sure I would have taken the bar exam if it wasn't for her expectations.

She's not my mother because she brought me into the world.  She is my mother because she has made me the woman I am today.

I will repay this great debt.  I will not repay it to my mother.  Yes, she is proud of me.  Yes, she has the peace of believing that, due to all that I have accomplished, I will always be ok - even when she is gone.  Yes, she deserves nothing more than my obedience, my admiration, and my love.


I won't repay the debt to her.  I will pay it forward.  I have a little girl of my own.

Little Lady

Alessandra is always in such a hurry to grow up.  She hit so many milestones ahead of schedule.  She's always been at the top of the growth charts.  I'm frequently left wondering - How did we get to this point so quickly?!  Where is my tiny baby girl?!

The next big milestone is on the horizon and I'm having trouble getting ready for it.

Alessandra is going to go to school/daycare.

I know Alessandra is ready for school.  She has been on a schedule since she was a couple of months old so falling into a school-day routine should be easy.  She greatly enjoys playing with other children so I'm sure she will enjoy having other kids her age to play with.  She loves music and I'm certain she will love singing Spanish songs and playing new instruments.

So what's the big deal?  Why do I have so much anxiety about this situation?

Put simply, I'm afraid of giving up control.  I like things just so.

I've been able to go to work without any issues for the past year and a half because I knew the kind of care that Alessandra was receiving every day.  Everyone who has watched Alessandra gave her foods that I approved of (with a few fun exceptions), made sure that Alessandra slept as much as I recommended, and took Alessandra to places that I approved of.  I felt like even though I was physically absent, my influence and my protectiveness over her still reached her through different people.

Simply put, the next phase involves less of me. Someone else came up with the curriculum.  Someone else came up with the schedule. Someone else decided how long she will nap and what food will be served at snack time.  So much less of what happens in her daily life will be up to me.

On some level I completely comprehend that other people can do a fine job helping to raise Alessandra even if their way of doing things is not much like mine.  I can be objective and know that she is receiving good care even though I didn't plan the specific day-to-day details of that care.  My mama heart just doesn't like letting go.

It is good for her to become more independent.  It is good for her to be around other children.  It is good for her to face new challenges and to have to adapt to a new environment.

I need to thank God for each day that has passed and believe and hope for the best in all the days to come.



POOL TIME!!!

Splashing around with Daddy!

The water from the fountain was so warm.

The beautiful eyes that melt my heart.

Two Part Conversion

What happens when we find God? What does it take to convert to Christianity or to another theistic religion?
Once we gain an awareness of God - once revelation is complete - then what happens?

Redemption, ideally, but not necessarily.

Once we gain this knowledge and experience of God, He continues to be a gentleman and doesn't impose His will on us.  It remains up to us to accept what He has to offer.  We get to choose what to do with our new-found knowledge of God.  It's our choice whether to proceed to the step of redemption or to stop just with revelation.

When we meet God, we're confronted with how unlike Him we are.  This is the Being from which creation springs.  This is the Being who gave us our marvelous capabilities.  This is the Being who sent His Son to die on a cross for those who are so far from being like God that they couldn't ever have reached Him otherwise. He is Love.  He is Good.  He is inexplicably determined to direct that Love and Goodness towards us.

What is an appropriate response to meeting such a Being?

One option is to maintain your prior agenda, to continue being exactly who you were, to keep your worldview, your ambitions, and your pride intact and to conform God to your image.

Has such a person really converted to Christianity?  Where is the conversion portion of their experience? Have their actions conformed to the character and essence of God that we're supposed to mirror?  
If someone can't admit their need for God, if someone can't acknowledge their need to be transformed by God, if someone can't put God's agenda for man above their own agenda, isn't this revelation without redemption?  Aren't we seeing only one step in a multi-step process.  Isn't the process of conversion incomplete?

Isn't the conversion experience one in which we must first find God and then look inwards and find ourselves anew in the context of God's existence?  Have we completed the process of conversion if we have only found Him but have not found our need of Him?

Impersonal Motherhood

Research.  Ask others with expertise.  Carefully select.  Plan.  Invest time & energy.

There's a general way that I handle things in my life that I care about. I take a certain approach to work, major purchases, big life decisions, etc.  So far this multi-step level of attention to the task at hand has produced great results.  I've now survived a few major purchases, big plans (wedding/travel/relocation), and met pretty good success in work by following my methodology.

Is this way of approaching things enough to make a good mom?

The answer appears to be no.

I used the same approach I've always used when it came to becoming a mommy.  I researched, asked others' opinions, weighed my options, and put up good sums of money making sure we had the best of everything as Alessandra came into the world.  I chose a great doctor, a great hospital, went to birth classes, went to parenting classes, selected the best pack & play, carseat, and bottles.  I wouldn't say that time and attention was wasted, but how has it enhanced Alessandra's bond with me?  How does it affect her perception and memory of mommy?

Alessandra doesn't know what went in to selecting her crib, how many music classes I researched before I chose one, or the hours I've spent in stores reading over labels to make sure everything is non-GMO, gluten-free, and organic. 

What part of my parenting is Alessandra aware of?

I want Alessandra to have memories with me.  I want her to see my smile, to remember my laughter, to recall good times with me.  I want her to be able to flip through volumes of photos capturing our shared experiences. I want her to pick up my mannerisms. I want to hear people tell her that she's just like her momma.  I want her to miss me when she goes to college (maybe not every day, but often enough).

I can't create the bond that I want to have with Alessandra just by getting her the best of everything.  I can't leave the imprint I want to leave on her life just by making good choices for her.  In order to create the best bond with Alessandra, I need to be present in her life and show her my love in ways that she understands.

She is my heart.  I want her to know it.




It doesn't get much better than this:

Playing on the mats before music class:

Hanging out at the park with extended family:

Playing with mega-blocks:

Praying

Every day I have something meaningful and important to be dedicated to, to improve for, to be thankful for.

It's been easy for me to go to God with my needs for so long now.  I need a better job.  I need to be close to my family again.  I need to survive law school.  I have sought him for comfort, care, peace for so many years.

Is that all He wants from us?  Should our conversations with God center around asking for more, more, and more of what we think we need?

I pray differently now that I realize what's precious.  My pastor set out a means to pray that really makes sense to me.

ACTS
Adoration: seeing a glimpse of Him in His majesty
Confession: being self-aware of my struggles, shortcomings, and areas needing improvement
Thanksgiving: for every moment, for every opportunity, for one more day that I get to be a mom
Supplication: coming full circle from realizing God's goodness, seeing where I need more of Him, seeing where He needs more from me, and asking that His will be done

It's clearer now - how to go to God with that heart, with that mindset, filled with the gift of perspective for all that He has given me, all that He is, and all that He has in store for me.

Two Beings, One Body

I carried her for forty weeks.
In that time I became twice the woman I was before.

Before, I lived for me.  I angered when someone offended me, I hurt when someone betrayed me, I rejoiced in my own accomplishments, I planned for my own future.

In forty weeks I became two.

Half of my heart lives on as it did before.  I seek satisfaction, peace, accomplishment, joy, love.

Half of my heart is her every step, her every breath, her every accomplishment.  I didn't just create her during that time.  Yes, her cells divided and multiplied.  I too divided and multiplied.  Every fiber of my being went from being wholly mine to being wholly hers as well.  I'd do anything for her.  I'd risk anything for her.

I live on as before.
A whole new me lives on too.  A whole me that knows nothing but devote to her.  She is satisfaction.  She is peace.  She is accomplishment.  She is joy.  She is love.  She is my wonderful everything but I remain whole for her.

She'll grow up.  She'll need me less.  God willing, she will become two one day.
I'll always be here.  Whole.  Everything I was before she arrived.  And so much more.