Enjoy the Moment

I've always been the big picture person in my relationship with Ryan.  I'm always thinking five steps ahead, planning, budgeting, making sure that all of the important and essential items fall into place the way I want them to.  I initiated the move to Dallas from College Station, I planned so much of the wedding, I spent hours on end wading through job postings for me and Ryan when we moved, I looked at hundreds of listings before deciding on which house we would buy, etc.

I'm really not good at the day to day details.  I've become slightly better at housework, errands, and other such day to day items in large part because of Ryan.  A few times Ryan half-jokingly would ask me if I thought that things got done around the house by magic and, honestly, some days it felt that way when we first got together.  Fresh towels were hung, there were groceries in the fridge, dishes were clean and I had played no part in making those things happen.

That division of labor and priorities extends in to our relationships and it most certainly affects the way we interact with Alessandra.

I'm always more concerned with preparing her for some large future as a very successful grown woman but it takes a great deal of organization, effort and focus for me to prepare for the next day.  I'm the type of mom who's baby hits developmental milestones ahead of schedule because I have an overarching desire to push Alessandra towards new goals - and I'm also the type of mom that takes Alessandra to see Santa and has to carry her all over the mall because I forgot the stroller.  It comes naturally for me to decide regular and overarching things like "we will do tummy time each day" and "all naps will be limited to 1.5 hours" but when I spontaneously decide to visit my sister, her husband has to come back from his grocery trip with diapers because I showed up with a baby and no diapers.

Routine is wonderful for me.  I live for big goals. I love milestones. I delight in making big decisions.

I am so thankful that Ryan can see the nearer future and take care of - or remind me to take care of - the day to day things.  I especially love that his focus on the present makes him such a blessing to Alessandra. When he's with her, he can really be in the moment.  He can drop everything, lose sight of any big picture, and just enjoy the moment with her.

I know that Alessandra feels the difference.  I'm often pushing her out of her comfort zone so her new skills don't stagnate.  I developed and continually enforce her schedule.  Some days its just hard for me to let my baby be a baby.  I love that when Alessandra is with Ryan, she knows the pressure is off.  I'm not by any means saying that he departs from the schedule, or that he doesn't also encourage her to learn and grow. She accomplishes so much while she is in his care. He very much respects my ideas and goals and backs me 100% on my parenting choices.  The thing is, he can look at her and not think at all about the goals. He can focus on making her smile in that moment without wondering how this moment contributes to the big picture.  She delights in his company.  They have a very special bond.  Her face absolutely lights up when he comes around.  When she hears his voice, she starts searching the room for him.  Her daddy is one of her great joys in life.

I love that I can witness their relationship.  I love that Alessandra shares that connection with Ryan.  I love how much they can relax and just be joyful with each other.  And I love that their relationship is a constant reminder to me to relax and to not be so dead set on the big picture that I lose sight of the value of each precious little moment.

I know it drives Ryan crazy that I'm always taking pictures of their interactions but I'm sure he will thank me for it some day :-P

Making faces at each other:

Smooches:

All smiles:

Distracted by Daddy when there are so many toys to look at:

Giggling during Daddy kisses/tickles:

This face and this onesie say it all:

My Girl

Shameless proud mama pics because heaven has dropped down right into my arms:

Sitting up like a big girl in her crib-

Walking around her crib with Daddy's help-

Those darn teeth just need to pop!

Playing with new toys from Tia Elisa-

Playing in the new activity center that Grandma & Grandpa Hernandez got her-

Bundled up so we could go outdoors for a minute on Christmas-

Sleeping so sweetly (don't tell other parents of 4 month olds - she sleeps 10 hours a night)-

Prayer Life

The best way to be there for someone is to take care of yourself first.

I'm not encouraging selfishness, a desire for personal gain, a willingness to stomp on others to get what you want.  What I am encouraging is the second greatest commandment: you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

It took a great deal of time for me to learn to love myself.  I focused on others at my own expense.  I didn't know how to define myself in ways other than the role I played in the lives of others.  It took a therapist telling me that I suffered from depression as a result of my codependency for me to realize that my relationships weren't normal or healthy and that by continuing in them I was harming myself.  It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I wasn't loving myself as I ought to.

What does that mean "as yourself".  Why isn't the second commandment just "love your neighbor?"  Why is it to love your neighbor as yourself?

Is there something wrong with caring for yourself?

When you get on an airplane the stewardess/stewards go over all the emergency procedures with you and one of the things they always tell you is - if the oxygen masks drop down, put on your mask first, then put an oxygen mask on your child passenger.  Why? So selfish, right?  No.  Not selfish at all.  If I'm passed out, what good am I to the person next to me.  If I'm delirious, what good am I to the child next to me.  If there isn't enough oxygen in my brain, how can I protect the welfare of others?  How can I help you if my own need for oxygen isn't being met?

The same rules apply when it comes to being there in ways other than physical necessities.  When we have made sure that our own needs are met - that we're at a certain level of stability - we become better able to meet the needs of others.

I can offer my family, from my parents down to my new baby, so much more when I have made sure my own needs are met.  I offer a better service to my clients when I'm rested and prepared.  I am a better companion for Ryan when I don't have so much on my plate that my joy is stolen and I feel overwhelmed. I'm a better mom to Alessandra when I've given myself the opportunity to recharge and regain perspective in the middle of a very demanding week.  The people in my life deserve me at my best.  They don't deserve to always be in the company of someone who is run down, overwhelmed, who doesn't have time for them, or who can't focus on the joys in life.  They deserve to have someone in their life who knows how to love herself.

I used to pray to God - take care of me, help me not feel lonely, help me understand, help me see, give me vision, give me patience, let me believe in a future, help me help me help me me me.  I needed that.  It was crucial for my growth.  I was at a place in life where I lacked internal stability.  Now that I have it, I can turn my attention outwards.  I pray now - God help me be great for them, help me love them, give me the strength to help them reach their potential, let me not tire from choosing what is difficult but right for their benefit, let them learn from my patience - from my love for others, let me demonstrate inner peace so that my little girl knows its attainable.  Now that I'm whole, I have so much more to offer.

Reality

I want Alessandra to know love, beauty, goodness, kindness, and every other gift that God has created for us to experience and enjoy.
The reality is that I can't pick and choose what parts of life she experiences and I can't protect her from everything that is the inverse of the list above.

The best thing I can do for Alessandra is not to protect and shelter her from reality.  I need to prepare her for it.  I need to give her the mental, emotional and familial stability and background that will make her able to handle all that's out there.

I've struggled so much with reality.  From about age 13 onwards I've dealt with depression, loneliness, feelings of helplessness, and all other sorts of internal struggles.  Although it was a terrible period of about 7 years that I was pretty deep into those mental struggles, I'm now far enough past it that I can really learn from it and - God willing - become a better parent for it.  I know what my struggles looked like - the sleepless nights, the interest in very angry & frustrated music, the lack of connection to authority figures such as teachers and other adults, the bad habits, the lack of any vision of my future or of what I may look like in it.  I know that adults tended to dismiss my feelings - what problems can you possibly have?  you're just a kid. what do you know about problems? just think about something else.  Teachers - it absolutely blows my mind that not a single teacher ever reached out to me.  I fell asleep in so many classrooms because I was unable to sleep with my mind racing at night.  Teachers saw me go without smiling for weeks on end - disinterested, unenthusiastic, always tired.  I think they mostly left me alone because I was getting great grades in honors and college level classes all while still in high-school.  Grades told very little of my story.  I will push Alessandra to excel academically and financially - without a doubt - but those priorities pale in comparison to raising a happy, fulfilled, confident individual.

I hope I can help prepare Alessandra so that she never deals with depression.  I want her to know the beautiful things of the world so she has them for perspective before she is exposed to the bad in the world.  I hope she feels loved, connected, noticed.  I hope she doesn't grow up feeling lonely or helpless.  I want her to know that I'm always here for her - to listen - not to judge.  I want her to know that her problems aren't *just* children's problems but that her problems are 100% real to me because they are real to her.  I hope if she succumbs to some of the same struggles I went through, I can be there for her, I can get her professional help, I can at least recognize what she is going through and let her know that I'm by her side through it all.

I realize this post isn't the most heart-warming and feel-good post to write on Christmas Day but it addresses reality and it comes from a good place.  It comes from a place of parental love.  My desire for Alessandra is to equip her for the worst things I've ever been through.  I want to do what I can so that her worst struggles aren't what mine were.  I love Alessandra so immensely. I love her in a way that I've never loved anyone else.  It blows my mind to realize that other parents love their children the way I love her. It blows my mind to think that my parents love my sisters and me the way that I love Alessandra.  It especially blows my mind to reflect on the fact that God loves me and all His other children this way but on an even greater scale.

And the Greatest of These is Love

There is so much I want to teach Alessandra.  There is so much I want to shelter her from in the world.  The world is both so full of vice and so full of Goodness that some days the one makes me teary eyed and some days its the other.

When Ryan and I were in parenting classes we were asked what values or virtues we would want to pass on to our children.  I immediately thought about "our" work ethic.  Salvadorans are a hard-working bunch.  I was raised to believe in a sense of duty and I come from a culture which has succeeded so well in America largely because of our incredible work ethic. I know many family members who have jobs that would earn them big bucks in this country but they don't earn nearly as much in the Motherland in that job.  Why do they do those difficult jobs? They do it for reasons other than financial reasons.

I feel like my perspective has broadened so much in just the 6-9 months since we took that parenting class. Yes, I absolutely want to teach Alessandra to have a good work ethic.  I have a law degree, one of my sisters has a masters degree, another sister just completed 18 hours worth of coursework while working full time as a teacher and raising twin sons.  Aside from the credentials on paper, I could go on and on about my sisters' influence and successes.  There is no doubt that a contagious work ethic is passed down from generation to generation among Salvadorans.  But WHY does that matter?  What should we work so hard for?  Why should we devote ourselves so fully to these types of accomplishments?

The simple answer is others.

I feel a duty to be my best - to do my best - to always strive for excellence - for the benefit of others. Excellence in and of itself can and usually is a good - but excellence for the sake of others is a greater good.

I want Alessandra to care for others.  I want her to look beyond the end of her nose.  I'm not raising "my little princess". I'm raising someone hoping that she improves the lives of at least a few and possible many others.  I continuously pray that I'm able to be the best mother possible for her.  Why?  I want to maximize her potential. I want to plant seeds of kindness and compassion.  I want to show her that everyone is valuable, that everyone should have rights, that we ought to treat people equally.

I realize that not everyone agrees with my perspective.  I went to a Baptist university for my undergraduate degree and a Catholic school for my law degree and I know that some of my thoughts are unpopular or unconventional.  But the God that I'm acquainted with is a God of love.  He is a God of forgiveness.  He is the God that I will never deserve anything from.  He is also the God that loves me despite my flaws, despite my imperfections, despite my sins, my shortcomings, my impatience, my state of being *only human*.  I have such a beautiful life that I am moved to connect with Him every time I slow down and think about my blessings.

I don't believe that teaching Alessandra that a good work ethic in and of itself is the most valuable thing.  My response when asked what virtues or values I want to pass on to her has shifted slightly since then.  I want her to be moved to action because of that love for her fellow man.  I don't want her to work hard for the sake of working hard.  I want her to love her fellow man.  I don't want her to belittle, manipulate, take advantage of, or in any way harm other people.  I want her to be a blessing to them.  I hope they can look at her and know that being in her presence means being in a place of care and compassion and not being in a place of judgment or resentment.

I thank God for the opportunity to be a mother.  I grow as a person so much just by having Alessandra in my life. Yes, she's *just* a baby now - with all the accompanying lack of sleep, drool, spit up, diapers, etc.  But being a baby is just a temporary thing.  She will grow up into a toddler, an adolescent, an adult.  My focus isn't on being a good mother to a baby - it's on being a good mother to a person that will have the inevitable ability to affect the lives of others.  I want her to transition through the phases of life with the most positive effect possible.

Lord, never let me forget

Sometimes we're given the fortunate and unfortunate opportunity to learn from someone else's life experience.  This week I learned difficult news about the child of someone I know and it made me pause and think about things.  What am I doing with my life?  Are my priorities where they should be?  Does Alessandra have the benefit of everything that she deserves and everything that I would wish for her.

Would I prioritize things differently if I knew we only had 20 years left? Would I make more time for her now if I knew we only had 15 years left?  In some ways it's morbid thinking that we shouldn't set our minds to for too long but in other ways its important to ask these questions to ensure that we're reminded of the big picture and that we're living life authentically.

Lord, let me never take for granted and let me never forget the importance of every single moment with her.

The way her face looks, never fearful - always inquisitive and determined - when I introduce a new toy or a new challenge.
The way her face lights up and she smiles both with her mouth and with her eyes when she sees me in the morning.
How warm her perfect little head with its fuzzy coating of hair feels when I rest my cheek on it while holding her.
The beautiful sound of her voice when she speaks to me with a tone that ranges from excited to argumentative.
The way her little fingers wrap so softly around mine when I hold her bottle and she holds my hand.
The way she looks to me with those big saucer eyes when something is wrong and she knows I can make things better.
How quickly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts off to sleep when she's worn out and in my arms.

My heart now walks around outside my body.  I pray always for perspective, for strength, that God helps me be a good Mama, and that my little love always be happy, healthy & fulfilled.