Time, Sweet Time

I love nothing more than spending time with Alessandra & Ryan.

Now that I share a life with them I finally realize how many other things demand my time.  I used to work out 9 hours a week.  My new ambitious goal is to work out three hours a week.  For a while there I cooked three meals plus a smoothie every day.  My new ambitious goal is to make dinner three times a week (with enough for leftovers at lunch the subsequent day) and maybe to make breakfast on Saturday and Sunday.  I used to schedule my hair appointments so that they took me away from work for a few hours knowing that I could do the work in the evening after a refreshing break. Now three hour hair appointments mean three hours away from the most precious people in the world.

My eyes have been opened to just how valuable time is.

There's no dead time now.  There's no time to just lazy around, considering and reconsidering what I may want to do, or doing nothing at all. If Alessandra is home and awake I spend my time engaging with her and meeting her needs.  If she's asleep I'm probably taking care of something that needs to be done - like eating, showering, or trying to squeeze in some time with my other Love.

I just want it all to last longer.  I want to enjoy every morning giggle, every afternoon cuddle, every new skill without knowing that there are ten other things to get done.

Working Mom

If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing well.  This is my general attitude towards anything that takes up my time.  Why do something at all if I'm not going to do it well??  I only have so much time.  I should devote my time to things that will be great, right?  This attitude affects the kind of worker I am.  I'm someone with very high expectations.  I look - not for things to be good enough - but for them to be excellent.  I'm a perfectionist.  I'm an alpha.  I take my time and make sure things are done correctly.  I have no shame about that.  It's who I am.  I embrace it.

But having this attitude now that I'm a working mom is a challenge.  I'm not saying it's an impossible attitude to maintain or that I feel forced to choose either my career or my home life- I'm just much more aware of how my time is spent and I want to make sure that everything is in its proper place. I want to devote my energy to the things that are deserving.

My job is demanding.  It's been demanding - that's nothing new.  It's fast paced, it demands full attention, it pushes me out of my comfort zone and there's often a good deal of money riding on how well I perform.  But before, my job was demanding and I had fewer other endeavors to take away from it.  I had less in my life to challenge the amount of time I devoted to my job.  Now that Alessandra is here, I want to be excellent at my job AND I want to be the Best mom I can be.

How do I do it?  Where's the balance?  Honestly, I don't think there's a hard and fast answer to how to be a great mom and a great worker.  Each new day brings new challenges, new demands, and the balance will probably tilt more towards work and then back more towards family over and over without every being exactly perfect.  I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with MY BEST - even if that's not perfection.

I see work differently now.  It's part of my identity - as it was before - and it brings my life great meaning.  But there's something bigger at play now.  I'm replaceable at work.  There are better lawyers than me.  There are people who do a better job at keeping clients happy.  There are lawyers who have won more favorable jury verdicts in the last 12 months.  Although I will always do my job well - for so long as it's worth doing - I'm just one of many at work.  I can't lose sight of that.  That is my new perspective.

Alessandra is now a bigger part of my identity.  Mommy is the title that I wear now with utmost pride.  Of everything I've done with my life, being a mom has the most meaning.  I'm not replaceable to Alessandra.  No one will ever worry about her like I do or devote so much time to her like I do.  No one carried her and loved her and dreamed of her future so much like I do.  If you're not satisfied with your lawyer, you can get a new one.  Alessandra only has one mommy and that's me.  I'm the only mommy she has and I need to appreciate, acknowledge and embrace that.  Being the best mommy that I can be to her is now the great challenge and focus of my life.

There's no denying that parents are important.  I can't downplay how much the home life matters. I know how much my parents meant to me.  I know that so much of who I am is because of their great example and I can't ignore the fact that I was also shaped by their mistakes.  I want to be great for Alessandra because I know how much who I am and what I do matters.  If something benefits her, I want to make sure I do it.  I will easily give something up if I know her well being requires it.  Exhaustion doesn't matter.  Cost doesn't matter.  Other people's judgment doesn't matter.  I'm sure I will make mistakes as a mom.  I'm human.  I'm not perfect.  But honestly in some ways it's actually easy and it comes naturally to be a mom.  Being around her - hearing her perfect little voice - looking into those enormous sweet eyes - having her delicate little hand wrapped around my finger - I feel so ready to take on the world - I feel so revved up and eager to make things happen - I feel so empowered and motivated to be my best.  I feel so focused.  She's now the reason for what I do in so many ways.  She's the new reason I want to succeed at work.  She's another reason I want to be healthy.  It's partly for her benefit that I need to show Ryan love, respect, and gratitude and to be a good wife to him.  She's the fuel behind my prayers each night.  She's added depth and meaning to so many of the things that were already great in my life.

I love her.  I will tell her often but I hope she can see it in all that I do.

A New Mom's Day

This is a sample schedule for how I spend my day:

10:35p-3:45a sleep
3:45 diaper
3:50 bottle/pump next meal
4:15 soothe/get to sleep
4:35-6 work
6 shower/eat breakfast/makeup
6:40 clean bottles
7:00 finish getting ready for work
7:20 bottle/pump next meal
7:50 diaper/change clothes
8:05 clean pump equipment/pack diaper bag, pack work bag, pack pumping equipment
8:20 off to grandma's for childcare
8:40 drive to work
9a-5p work - two pumping sessions at work
5 to grandma's to get baby
520 drive home
545 dinner & time with Ryan (if Ryan isn't late & Alessandra allows)
615 bottle/pump next meal
645 play/bonding/learning time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
815 varied: clean bottles/do laundry/rest if possible/Alessandra naps/hold or cuddle her while she naps
915 bottle/pump next meal
940 bath time for Alessandra
10 dress/swaddle/soothe until sleeping

Repeat.

A few points about this post:

First, this by no means is meant to convey that Ryan doesn't have a busy day as well.  He gets a slightly later start most days between 6 and 6:30am but he usually stays up a bit later than me to ensure that Alessandra stays asleep after I conk out at night, He also regularly covers one or more of the above tasks to help me out during the day in addition to completing his own to-dos such as laundry, dishwashing, and grocery shopping. There are also various small things he helps with like changing diapers and ensuring that Alessandra isn't fussing.  They have a very special bond.  He regularly spends time making her smile in the morning while I'm cleaning bottles or getting ready and he almost always joins in on play/bonding/learning time in the evenings.

Second, I love being a Mommy. I just wish there were more hours in the day! I wish I had ten times as many hours to spend with Alessandra! Work keeps me pretty busy but I try to sneak away to hang out with my favorite girl when possible.  My schedule is slightly more flexible on Wednesdays so I usually pick Alessandra up an hour early on Wednesdays so we can have more play/bonding/learning time.  I also wish I had about an hour a day more for myself. Recently, I'm trying to make time to cook more and exercise - but currently exercise only happens on the weekends.

Third, thank you Lord for the day of rest! I look forward to weekends like I never looked forward to them before.  I"m so thankful that I have at least a couple of days a week when I can take naps during the day, spend more time enjoying Ryan's company and, of course, spend more time with my precious girl.

Now y'all know how I spend my day!

Daddy's Girl

Now that Ryan is no longer sick and he is home from his fun business trip to New Orleans, he has definitely made up for lost time with Alessandra.  We've always been a team as far as taking care of Alessandra but since his return from NOLA he has really gone above and beyond.  He often tries to make Alessandra laugh throughout the day, he carries her around with her head popped up over his shoulder showing her the world, and he is often the one who soothes her when she gets worked up - he even calmed her down after painful 2 month immunizations while I cowered in the corner.

Ryan held Alessandra most of the evening after her two month immunizations:

One day this week, Ryan spent the entire day at home with Alessandra while I was at work! At first, I was worried about it.  I wasn't worried that Alessandra wouldn't be well taken care of.  I was worried that Ryan would be stressed out, overwhelmed, or just uncertain of what to do.  Well, I had no reason to be worried. Alessandra and Daddy had a GREAT day together!  Throughout the day he sent me various photos and videos to show me how things were going and each time I was more and more impressed.  Alessandra had the biggest smile on her face & his voice sounded pleasant and jovial. They spent much of the day playing, doing tummy time & bonding with each other. And as a bonus, when Ryan wasn't entertaining and caring for Alessandra, he got so much housework done!

Smiles early in the morning while Daddy talked with her:

Working hard during tummy time:

More smiles for Daddy:

I love seeing the two of them together. My bond with Alessandra was instantaneous & began way back when she was just a bump in my tummy but Ryan's bond with her is one that has taken time to grow and develop. From the start he has been eager for her to get past the newborn stage & become more interactive. Well, it's happening! She follows him around the room with her eyes. She pouts (without crying) when she wants his attention, and she smiles So Much for him. It makes me a little bit jealous & a lot happy.

I knew years ago that I'd eventually want a child & after all the heartbreak in 2008 I knew it was so important to marry someone who wouldn't just be a good partner for me - my husband had to also be someone who would become a great dad.  It's easy to see the world with rose colored glasses when you're in love, but I definitely stepped back & asked myself if this person I loved so much would be a great parent. It's easy to be focused on our own happiness but someone can be a great spouse & a good person without wanting or being able to become a great parent.

I'm so grateful for Ryan. He is an excellent dad! Without hesitation he will pop up at Alessandra's tiniest whimper to make sure she's ok. He'll push through exhaustion like I've never seen him do before to ensure that her needs are met.  He is always talking about what he wants to teach her & about experiences he wants to share with her. I know that even when I'm not around - or, God forbid, without me - Ryan does a great job of raising Alessandra.

The Best Thing

Obviously I am absolutely smitten with Alessandra.  She is so precious to me.  So much of what she does is SO CUTE.  When I'm not busy cleaning her bottles, changing her clothes, or completing some other necessary to-do, I enjoy her smile, her little voice, how she looks at me with those big eyes.  It is absolute bliss to cuddle with her as we enjoy each other's warmth & doze off.  I feel so proud when I see her learn to do something new.

I just really enjoy her company.  She is the best part of my day, of my life, the greatest gift God has given me.

But I haven't forgotten the rest of my life.

She is not everything to me.  I also have my other interests.  I have other important people in my life.  Other people and things bring me joy, excitement, amusement.

I don't want to give up my job any time soon.  I enjoy what I do for a living and I want to continue to do it - even though it takes me away from Alessandra!

I look forward to opportunities to spend time with Ryan.  As much as I adore my Alessandra, I adore my Ryan too and I need opportunities to talk to him, joke with him, flirt with him.  

I already filed vacation letters with the Court and I'm planning to travel and sight see in at least two other cities in 2015.  I want to continue to explore the world.

The fact that I earned the very important title of mommy doesn't require that I give up my intellectual life, my role as a wife, my sense of adventure.  I was a whole person before Alessandra and I am a whole person now.  She comes before everything else and I will always make whatever sacrifices I need to make to see her succeed - without a second thought.  But being a good mom does not require that I give up every other part of my identity.  I honestly believe that she will benefit from having a mom who has her own sense of identity, apart from just seeing herself as mommy.

Not everyone gets to be a mommy.  I don't take it for granted.  I pray so much more now that Alessandra is here - I have a reason to be thankful a thousand times a day and I have someone to focus prayerful love on a thousand times a day.  She matters so much to me.  She brings me incredible joy, worry, strength.  What happens to her affects me to my very core.  But I need to be a whole, balanced, healthy person.  I choose to be that.

Mama ready for work and Alessandra ready to go to Grandma Gosewehr's house:

That's right.  Ryan & I went out to dinner on our anniversary & left Alessandra with Hernandez Grandparents - even though she was only 6 weeks old!

Holding Alessandra while Daddy makes her laugh:

My precious Baby Bear.