Seeds of Fear, Seeds of Hate, Spark of the Divine

A little girl at the playground tried to ridicule and humiliate my daughter for speaking Spanish.

My immediate responses were many.  The protector Mama Bear came out and I wanted to save my daughter from the situation.  I felt pure shock and my jaw hit the floor.  For a moment I felt responsible for what she was experiencing. I taught her Spanish, after all.  I heard a stranger (not the child's parent) chime in to try to diffuse the situation by encouraging the little girl to consider that it may be a good thing to speak both English and Spanish.

I took a deep breath and did not intervene.  I watched how Alessandra responded.  She smiled at the other little girl, sat next to her, said "Hi", and introduced herself.  For now, at least, Alessandra's own innocence meant she wasn't negatively affected by someone trying to degrade her.

Lord help me never to sow seeds of fear or hate in my child.  

It's not us versus them.  It's not familiar versus other.  It's just all of God's lost creatures discovering the spark of the Divine and trying to find their way through this mess together.

I can't shield my daughter from the world.  She will almost certainly go through much worse experiences - as I have - but, God-willing, she will come out of those situations with more wisdom, more love, and more compassion then she had before.

Our children are a blank slate.  They are innocent.  They know some level of selfishness, of course.  But what they don't know is prejudice, bias, and hate without being taught.

I pray to God every night to help me make good decisions.  If I can just make good decisions and set the right example for my daughter, maybe I can help build a foundation so strong that she can weather any storm, know her worth, and stand firm in her convictions.

My daughter.  Let me not show you the darkness. Let me show you the Light.

You were made for Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Far From Perfect

I'm very grateful for what I have in my life and I'm proud of where I've ended up, but there are days that are filled with endless struggle.

It can be a very frustrating, intimidating, overwhelming, or even terrifying to take a long hard look at yourself. What's even more overwhelming is those times that you're not afforded the luxury of choosing whether or not to take a long hard long into the abyss - you feel stuck there.  You're stuck in repetitive thoughts.  You're stuck in self-defeating behaviors.  You're stuck in sour relationships.  You're stuck in a feeling or a thought that you just can't seem to shake.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I've relied on my family to get me out of the depths.  I've been blessed with a few great friends who've sought me out when I got lost in the darkness.  I've had a powerful God to turn to for warmth at times when I just felt numb.  And, yes, I have reached out to mental health professionals at multiple points throughout my life.

I feel no shame, no weakness, and no less proud of what I've done with my life just because I sought professional mental health when I needed it.  In fact, it's something we should encourage in others and be proud of.  

The person most capable of taking care of me is me.  The person most able to figure out when I've had enough and I need assistance is me.  It's my responsibility to make sure that I'm okay.  It's my responsibility to reach out for help when I'm not okay.

Doesn't my daughter deserve the healthiest me?  Doesn't my community benefit from what I do the most when I am the healthiest me? Don't I owe it to myself to be the best me possible so I can be the best vessel for God's work that I can possibly be?  If I'm using all of my energy fighting my own demons and focusing so much of my mind space on my internal struggle, how can I turn my attention outwards and help others?

It's World Mental Health Day and I just want to encourage anyone who is going through what I've been through or who is fighting their own internal battles to reach out for help.  I would love to hear from you and support you.

It Takes a Village

Ryan goes on a business trip for one week every year.  Every year I humble myself, admit my limitations, and rely heavily on my village in order to survive the week.

My village consists of...

My mother-in-law - who cares for Alessandra three full work days per week and half days two days per week. Alessandra is so attached to Judy and really looks forward to going to grandma's house.

The church daycare - who care for Alessandra the other two half days.

The Hernandez side of the family - who invite us to dinner, join us for recreation around the neighborhood, and otherwise help me burn off Alessandra's energy.

My boss - who understands when I need to arrive late, leave early, make up time, or have a worried look on my face because I'm trying to be a good mom.

My fellow young moms - who check in on me daily, offer tips for helping a child adapt to a missing parent, and generally commiserate about the challenges of motherhood.

Boston Market (chicken), Chick-fil-a (chicken strips), Braum's (chicken strips...yes my daughter likes chicken that much) - who save me from burning food or, worse yet, burning my child while cooking.

Outside - for generally having a calming affect on my child while remaining intriguing.

The TV - for entertaining my child while I run around like a crazy person in the morning trying to pack Alessandra's lunch and put on my makeup.

The car-seat -  for lulling Alessandra to sleep so I don't have to sing the alphabet, Bingo, or the itsy-bitsy spider for the 10th time during our car ride home.

The pacifier - for assisting in bribing my child into brushing her teeth at night with less of a war than usual.

Jesus - for hearing my hundredth "oh no!" and thousandth "THANK YOU" every single day.

I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything but I sure appreciate and miss hubby.

Happy in Daddy's arms:

Blowing kisses to Daddy over face-time:

Visiting Mama at work:

Being a lawyer is exhausting:

Authentic Self

Does fulfilling your obligations feed you and/or does it drain you?

There are so many demands on our time, energy, and money.
We have so much to take care of, so many people to please, so many expectations to meet.

It's a beautiful thing when you can mark all the items of the to-do list (for the day!), meet all your deadlines, and meet everyone's expectations and feel peaceful, fulfilled, and energized by the process.

There are millions - no, billions - of people in this world for which I am a poor substitute.  I was Given certain sensitivities, interests, strengths, skills, and gifts so that I could do all those things that were written into my story before I was even born.

Even in the gifts, even in the Blessings, even in the self-actualizing, fulfilling, amazing moments in life there will be obstacles, there will be challenges, there will be negativity - but when you're doing something that allows you to be uniquely you, it's so worth it.

Some people don't have it yet.  Some people don't have the answer to the questions - What are you passionate about? What makes it all worthwhile for you? What's your purpose?

There are levels of answers.  We have spheres of influence.  We have to interact with people to whom we mean the world, we are neighbors to people who we may know only for a moment, we are the child of Love walking though existence with an awareness of the Sacrifice he sent for us - specifically, not generally - meant to fulfill timeless purposes.

I'm here to be mama bear to little lady and to my hubby in a way that only I can.  I'm here to look in a client's eyes or a juror's eyes in a way that only I can. I'm here to carry a spark of the Divine in a way that only I can.

It's ok if you haven't found that passion yet - that completeness - that meaning.  It doesn't mean there isn't such a thing in store for you.  A gift may be only a gift that lasts for a season.  There may be various destinations along this journey.  Maybe you had a season of Blessing and now you are in transition.  Keep yearning.  Keep searching.  Keep experimenting.  Keep stepping out of your comfort zone.  Keep surrendering to something larger than yourself.  There is something(s) to be found that is worth fighting for.

Women

For some time now, I've been involved in various groups tied to the legal profession. However, I recently joined a "girl attorney" group (their words not mine).

Ready? Here's my rant:

I don't consider myself a "girl".
I love that there is a word for senorita and a word for senora, a Ms. and a Mrs, a miss and a ma'am. I am a grown person and a far cry from the young girl I once was.  I am a WOMAN. I embrace it.


The struggle is real.
* Yes, I too struggle with working-mom-guilt. Yes I wish I had more time for my child.
* Yes, I too struggle with self-consciousness about my appearance. I get the "what is your make-up routine" posts and the "what should I wear on non-court dates at the office" questions.
* Yes, I too deal with men from archaic times who don't understand how a being with a womb could possibly be a lawyer and not a legal assistant.  I've been asked if I'm a legal assistant, a court reporter, an interpreter (I'm a latina after all), and a criminal defendant.

But what do we DO about it? What do we MAKE of the circumstances?  How do we stand up AGAINST and TO this presumption that we're "just girls"?

I remember being a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 2L.  I managed to get awesome summer jobs during law school.  I'd walk in on the first day of employment, eager as could be, and the other attorneys in the profession would ridicule, envy, and spite me.

In so many ways, I now know better.  I know that judges with bias exist.  I know that unreasonable juries are a reality.  I know that great cases can be destroyed with clients with public speaking deficits.  I'm in tune with the complexities and realities of litigation, but, Lord help me, I will never lose the fire in my belly and the sparkle in my eyes.

I know that, come what may, no matter the challenges, no matter the nay-sayers, the envious, the spiteful, or the ignorant, I will give my best.  Win or lose, I chose the role I play.  I have control and ownership over my role and that can never be taken from me.  My clients can trust me to be what I've sworn to be - their zealous advocate.

Gender neutral.
Whose advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Who is the advocate? Male/female doesn't matter.
Zealous advocate.

I am but one person.  I cannot change the hearts of man. I cannot make the world just.  I cannot stomp out evil simply by willing it.

I can give my best. I can deliver on my commitments.  I can prepare.  I can pray to the infinite Being to be my Path, my Guide, my Wisdom, and my Heart.

I can show up, look sharp, and not back down - just as I promised myself in the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed days a decade ago.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Bring a person/being/object you love into focus.

Set a timer (or not).  Clear out all the chatter and all the to-dos.  Let your mind be saturated and consumed by the goodness that this particular blessing has brought into your life.

Hello perspective.  Hello gratitude.  Hello peace.  Hello ebbing and flowing of love.

One step further, the Origin of this blessing.

Perspective.  Gratitude.  Peace.  Love.

Something Divine

The world comes at us with its efforts to lure, confuse, enrage, seduce, divide, and appease.  Something as simple as scrolling through Facebook or joining co-workers at the proverbial water-cooler, can launch us into unproductive thought and conversation.  As Christians, we have instructions about how to treat our mind and on what to do with it.  We're given instructions as to the proper Objects on which a mind should focus.

One such instruction-
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Why?  Why is it important to fill our minds with these things?

First, its not that we're not to acknowledge or be proactive about problems in the world.  We are to be in tune with reality and to be leaders within our sphere of influence.  That call to be in the world and to make it - a little bit more each day - look like the place God willed for us is exactly why it matters what is displayed in the panoramic screen of our mind.

What is your motivation? Where does your strength lie? Do you fight for something, or only ever against? What do you seek to create? What were you born to do?  How do you define the very things you want to become?  Are you already some version of those things?  

How can I pass on to others what is true, what is pure, and what is worth of praise if I'm not familiar with it myself?  How can I expect to help grow those things in others if I'm not looking for and attentive to those things in my own mind?

Thank you Lord, for seeing not as a man sees. You know our every thought.  We can conceal nothing from You.  Knowing us as whole beings - knowing us as beings with Minds - You've set out instruction, protection, comfort, hope, drive and all of the other gifts of the mind.  We so easily are distracted by that which is unproductive.  Thank You for Your Word and the reminders of who we are and of what we're capable of.  Help us break through our limitations and access the thoughts that are truly worthy of the mind.