"I don't have any college degrees, but I have 9."

My sister received her Master's Degree this weekend.  She is a mother of twins, works full-time as a teacher, and, like many of us, has many demands on her time.  My family attended the ceremony and we all got together to celebrate at my sister's home with lasagna, champagne, and cake once the ceremony was complete.

I couldn't be more proud of my sisters. Elisa earned her Master's Degree several years ago and now Susana has hers to.   I come home after working full-time, tend to only one child, and can't imagine having to go to school at this particular point in my life.  I think it is amazing that Susana made all the necessary sacrifices (time, money, rest sweet rest) to accomplish this huge goal in her life.  She isn't even finished yet!  She may take some time off first, but she plans to resume her education and complete her PhD.  I admire her for continuing to educate herself.  I thank God for giving her a husband that has supported her goals.  I cannot ignore the look of beaming pride on my mother's face after my mom received her "9
th college degree" - two for Susana, two for Elisa, two for me, and three for my dad.  This was as much my mom's accomplishment as it was my sister's.

Now that I'm a mother I see the world differently.  It takes a hundred good and selfless decisions each week to raise a decent human being.  It's demanding.  It's exhausting.  It's the BEST work God has entrusted to me in my life.  Yes, some people become amazing without a good mother.  The odds were against you.  Congratulations! How did you even do it?  The truth is, I don't know if I could have done it.

I look at what I've done, at what I've gone through, at what I strive for and I see my mother every step of the way.  She was there when I moved to American and didn't speak English.  She watched countless hours of American TV with me - Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, presidential speeches - hoping that I would pick up the English language quickly.  She attended American college in her 30s so she could learn English for the benefit of the entire family.  I remember my mom being there to tell me that other girls were just jealous of me or that they didn't understand me when I moved to a new school and soon made far fewer friends than enemies.  I remember when my first marriage fell apart, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, and I just couldn't find a way to go on.  My mother, first and foremost, was there to tell me to keep my eye on the prize.  I'm not sure I would have taken the bar exam if it wasn't for her expectations.

She's not my mother because she brought me into the world.  She is my mother because she has made me the woman I am today.

I will repay this great debt.  I will not repay it to my mother.  Yes, she is proud of me.  Yes, she has the peace of believing that, due to all that I have accomplished, I will always be ok - even when she is gone.  Yes, she deserves nothing more than my obedience, my admiration, and my love.


I won't repay the debt to her.  I will pay it forward.  I have a little girl of my own.

Little Lady

Alessandra is always in such a hurry to grow up.  She hit so many milestones ahead of schedule.  She's always been at the top of the growth charts.  I'm frequently left wondering - How did we get to this point so quickly?!  Where is my tiny baby girl?!

The next big milestone is on the horizon and I'm having trouble getting ready for it.

Alessandra is going to go to school/daycare.

I know Alessandra is ready for school.  She has been on a schedule since she was a couple of months old so falling into a school-day routine should be easy.  She greatly enjoys playing with other children so I'm sure she will enjoy having other kids her age to play with.  She loves music and I'm certain she will love singing Spanish songs and playing new instruments.

So what's the big deal?  Why do I have so much anxiety about this situation?

Put simply, I'm afraid of giving up control.  I like things just so.

I've been able to go to work without any issues for the past year and a half because I knew the kind of care that Alessandra was receiving every day.  Everyone who has watched Alessandra gave her foods that I approved of (with a few fun exceptions), made sure that Alessandra slept as much as I recommended, and took Alessandra to places that I approved of.  I felt like even though I was physically absent, my influence and my protectiveness over her still reached her through different people.

Simply put, the next phase involves less of me. Someone else came up with the curriculum.  Someone else came up with the schedule. Someone else decided how long she will nap and what food will be served at snack time.  So much less of what happens in her daily life will be up to me.

On some level I completely comprehend that other people can do a fine job helping to raise Alessandra even if their way of doing things is not much like mine.  I can be objective and know that she is receiving good care even though I didn't plan the specific day-to-day details of that care.  My mama heart just doesn't like letting go.

It is good for her to become more independent.  It is good for her to be around other children.  It is good for her to face new challenges and to have to adapt to a new environment.

I need to thank God for each day that has passed and believe and hope for the best in all the days to come.



POOL TIME!!!

Splashing around with Daddy!

The water from the fountain was so warm.

The beautiful eyes that melt my heart.

Two Part Conversion

What happens when we find God? What does it take to convert to Christianity or to another theistic religion?
Once we gain an awareness of God - once revelation is complete - then what happens?

Redemption, ideally, but not necessarily.

Once we gain this knowledge and experience of God, He continues to be a gentleman and doesn't impose His will on us.  It remains up to us to accept what He has to offer.  We get to choose what to do with our new-found knowledge of God.  It's our choice whether to proceed to the step of redemption or to stop just with revelation.

When we meet God, we're confronted with how unlike Him we are.  This is the Being from which creation springs.  This is the Being who gave us our marvelous capabilities.  This is the Being who sent His Son to die on a cross for those who are so far from being like God that they couldn't ever have reached Him otherwise. He is Love.  He is Good.  He is inexplicably determined to direct that Love and Goodness towards us.

What is an appropriate response to meeting such a Being?

One option is to maintain your prior agenda, to continue being exactly who you were, to keep your worldview, your ambitions, and your pride intact and to conform God to your image.

Has such a person really converted to Christianity?  Where is the conversion portion of their experience? Have their actions conformed to the character and essence of God that we're supposed to mirror?  
If someone can't admit their need for God, if someone can't acknowledge their need to be transformed by God, if someone can't put God's agenda for man above their own agenda, isn't this revelation without redemption?  Aren't we seeing only one step in a multi-step process.  Isn't the process of conversion incomplete?

Isn't the conversion experience one in which we must first find God and then look inwards and find ourselves anew in the context of God's existence?  Have we completed the process of conversion if we have only found Him but have not found our need of Him?

Impersonal Motherhood

Research.  Ask others with expertise.  Carefully select.  Plan.  Invest time & energy.

There's a general way that I handle things in my life that I care about. I take a certain approach to work, major purchases, big life decisions, etc.  So far this multi-step level of attention to the task at hand has produced great results.  I've now survived a few major purchases, big plans (wedding/travel/relocation), and met pretty good success in work by following my methodology.

Is this way of approaching things enough to make a good mom?

The answer appears to be no.

I used the same approach I've always used when it came to becoming a mommy.  I researched, asked others' opinions, weighed my options, and put up good sums of money making sure we had the best of everything as Alessandra came into the world.  I chose a great doctor, a great hospital, went to birth classes, went to parenting classes, selected the best pack & play, carseat, and bottles.  I wouldn't say that time and attention was wasted, but how has it enhanced Alessandra's bond with me?  How does it affect her perception and memory of mommy?

Alessandra doesn't know what went in to selecting her crib, how many music classes I researched before I chose one, or the hours I've spent in stores reading over labels to make sure everything is non-GMO, gluten-free, and organic. 

What part of my parenting is Alessandra aware of?

I want Alessandra to have memories with me.  I want her to see my smile, to remember my laughter, to recall good times with me.  I want her to be able to flip through volumes of photos capturing our shared experiences. I want her to pick up my mannerisms. I want to hear people tell her that she's just like her momma.  I want her to miss me when she goes to college (maybe not every day, but often enough).

I can't create the bond that I want to have with Alessandra just by getting her the best of everything.  I can't leave the imprint I want to leave on her life just by making good choices for her.  In order to create the best bond with Alessandra, I need to be present in her life and show her my love in ways that she understands.

She is my heart.  I want her to know it.




It doesn't get much better than this:

Playing on the mats before music class:

Hanging out at the park with extended family:

Playing with mega-blocks:

Praying

Every day I have something meaningful and important to be dedicated to, to improve for, to be thankful for.

It's been easy for me to go to God with my needs for so long now.  I need a better job.  I need to be close to my family again.  I need to survive law school.  I have sought him for comfort, care, peace for so many years.

Is that all He wants from us?  Should our conversations with God center around asking for more, more, and more of what we think we need?

I pray differently now that I realize what's precious.  My pastor set out a means to pray that really makes sense to me.

ACTS
Adoration: seeing a glimpse of Him in His majesty
Confession: being self-aware of my struggles, shortcomings, and areas needing improvement
Thanksgiving: for every moment, for every opportunity, for one more day that I get to be a mom
Supplication: coming full circle from realizing God's goodness, seeing where I need more of Him, seeing where He needs more from me, and asking that His will be done

It's clearer now - how to go to God with that heart, with that mindset, filled with the gift of perspective for all that He has given me, all that He is, and all that He has in store for me.

Two Beings, One Body

I carried her for forty weeks.
In that time I became twice the woman I was before.

Before, I lived for me.  I angered when someone offended me, I hurt when someone betrayed me, I rejoiced in my own accomplishments, I planned for my own future.

In forty weeks I became two.

Half of my heart lives on as it did before.  I seek satisfaction, peace, accomplishment, joy, love.

Half of my heart is her every step, her every breath, her every accomplishment.  I didn't just create her during that time.  Yes, her cells divided and multiplied.  I too divided and multiplied.  Every fiber of my being went from being wholly mine to being wholly hers as well.  I'd do anything for her.  I'd risk anything for her.

I live on as before.
A whole new me lives on too.  A whole me that knows nothing but devote to her.  She is satisfaction.  She is peace.  She is accomplishment.  She is joy.  She is love.  She is my wonderful everything but I remain whole for her.

She'll grow up.  She'll need me less.  God willing, she will become two one day.
I'll always be here.  Whole.  Everything I was before she arrived.  And so much more.

The Absurd Promise of Happiness

There is a shiny, colorful, enticing world out there.

Sometime I make it a couple of minutes into a commercial before I even know what product is being sold. Yes, we're sold items that meet our needs.  Yes, we're sold items that will be useful to us.  We're also sold a whole lot of fleeting pleasure with a promise of happiness.

Yes, the sound of that soda can popping open and the big smile on an actress' face after the first sip make me want a soda, but do I really want a soda?  Extra calories? Sugar crash? Teeth stains? No. No, I don't want a soda.

What are we really after? What interest are these marketing people really appealing to?
What I want is the image of happiness that is being sold.

We want happiness, satisfaction, and contentment.
Where do we go to get these things?
If we continue to reach outwards to find these things they will always be just beyond our fingertips.  If we look inward, we will find exactly what we are looking for.

Inside is our skill set.  Inside is our drive.  Inside is our purpose.  Inside is the spark of the Divine.  Inside is everything we need to develop satisfying relationships with our family, our friends, and our Lord.  Inside is what we need to wake up each day, set a goal, work hard, and earn a sense of accomplishment.

What is your skill set?  Why are you here?  What feels true, natural, and real to you?  What are you proud of? In who's company do you feel fulfilled?

Happiness is real.  It is not a destination but it is something that can be continually replenished.  If we habitually and repeatedly look inward we won't be distracted by the shiny fleeting things and will keep our eyes on the things that satisfy.