Human Worth

Who doesn't need God?
Who is beyond God's reach?

Who am I to judge others?  Can I look at another and say - that person there, they are beyond God's reach, they are too far gone, they cannot be reconciled to God?
Is there anyone who doesn't need God?  Has anyone done so little wrong and so much good that they don't need Jesus on the cross?  Was his crucifixion in vain?

We hear about tragedies every day in the news.  The loss of human life isn't something that we look forward to hearing about, but it's our reality.  There was a shooting here in a church.  There was a shooting there at a school.  Another shooting took place over there, at a movie theater.

We hear about victims.  Does the fact that someone was an ordained minister make their life more valuable?  Does the fact that someone was popular and into spofts make their life more valuable?  Does youth make a life more valuable?

Do we not all have a spark of the Divine inside of us that makes us valuable?  Did God not put a fire into the depths of our being fully intent on seeing it burn?  Were we not all created with a purpose?  You're beautiful.  He's beautiful.  She's beautiful.

ALL of us were created in the likeness of God.  All of us arrived here as the result of the Divine intent.  We're not accidents.  We're not an amalgamation of molecules.  We're the likeness of God.  We have purpose.  God intends to be in a relationship with us.  God has given us the Divine command of being the face of God, through love, to our neighbors.

All loss of life is a loss.  There is no human act that can be taken that makes the loss of life lose its value or its importance.

Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.  And Love your neighbor as yourself.

Not, love some of your neighbors.  Not love only those who look like you.  Not love those of your equal socioeconomic class.  Not love those who vote like you.  Love God and Love your neighbor. Period.  End of story.

Worth It

Perspective is important.  I can look at what my life lacks or I can look at the wonderful blessings in my life - I choose to do the latter.

Just because I have Joy, Love, and Blessings in my life, it doesn't mean that things are easy.  It took sacrifices to get here, it took long hours, dedication, heartbreak, being home-sick, mistakes, and failure.

Yes, I'm fortunate to have my job (any job really), but its taken tireless time and effort - not to mention the expense of student loans and the sting of delayed gratification - to get here.  I took a job as a legal assistant fresh out of law school because I couldn't find an internship.  I've been underpaid.  I've been overworked. I've been laid off.  I've (regrettably) been away from my family at important times in their lives because of the demands of my job.

Yes, Ryan and I love each other, but we have our differences, we've made each other angry, and it's taken time for us to build a relationship of trust and confidence.  We came into this relationship damaged, skeptical, put persistent enough to make things work. I moved away from my precious babies (nephews) to ensure that we had something of a chance of success.  We've lived far from each other, in our parents' homes, and in less than ideal conditions while trying to make this work.

Yes, I have the most beautiful darling little girl in my house every day, but I had loss before I had my baby. Loss is never forgotten.

Having such a full life is amazing, but we're not promised tomorrow.  I can be demoted, fired, or lose my license to practice law altogether if I don't stay committed to being excellent. I can come home to an unhappy husband who doesn't get to experience the kind of companionship he longs for if we don't make renewed efforts to connect and understand each other.  My beautiful girl sleeps through the night, is healthy, and is ahead of schedule on her milestones, but she won't continue to make such progress if I don't push through evening exhaustion, through the desire for rest, and commit to the hundred things it takes to keep her on track.  

I haven't "arrived".  I don't believe there is such a thing.  I don't have anything I can't lose.  I don't have anything that will continue to be great if I don't constantly, daily, make an effort and a commitment to nurturing these important parts of my life.  

I don't know many heiresses.  Of the people I know, we all toil for something.  We all answer to someone. We all pour our hearts and our energy into some relationship or some job.  

I give to something that is worth it.  My efforts belong to people who are worth it.  This particular type of toil has such great rewards.  I put in the work but I reap the great rewards.  I did my part to make this life what it is and I will continue to do my part to ensure that what I have isn't lost.  The rest is up to God's grace.  I thank Him that, together, we got this far.

My Loves

I honestly think Ryan & I are doing a good job at being parents.  I'm always striving to improve.  Every night I pray to God to help me be a better mother.  I listen to the parenting advice that I receive from others.  I read articles about what's good for baby.  I see Alessandra healthy, happy, and am reassured that we're doing a good job.

How's my marriage?

We are both so in love with - and so devoted to - this wonderful little lady that we share a home with.  Some days we don't look out enough for ourselves and we don't look out enough for our marriage.  She has what she needs from us and so much more beyond just that.

This week has been a period of growth for our marriage.  We've been set on taking control and ownership of our relationship and making an active effort to keep ensure that this great thing remains great.

We're best friends.  We've been through thick and thin.  He's always been there when it mattered.  I get the joy of seeing him be an amazing father.  Sometimes, we just don't pay enough attention to each other.  We know we have people around who would love to spend more time with Alessandra but, instead of calling them up so we can spend time together, we usually maximize our time with her.  This week has started a re-orienting of our focus back towards what we need from and enjoy about each other.

The crazy thing about this renewed commitment to our friendship, our love, our happiness, is that its been so refreshing and rejuvenating.  Part of me felt lazy about the whole thing and thought, oh great, another thing to put time and energy into.  It's not so.  Having another person to be joyful about, having another person's love and affection, knowing that someone else looks forward to enjoying your company, your conversation, sharing your interests - its exciting, its fun, it adds to what you have.  It doesn't feel like sacrifice or effort.  It feels natural.

There is this amazing man in my life.  We can walk hand in hand looking out into a bright future.  We can set our minds daily on creating something beautiful for ourselves and each other.  We have responsibilities.  We have duties.  We are so in love and committed to our little one.  She deserves our happiness.  She needs to be raised in a home with parents who know each other, feel close to each other, enjoy each other.  We're not two ships passing in the night.  We've promised each other forever.  We've made something that is half me and half him.  We have to remember to rest, to have shared experiences, to not forget the love that led us to this wonderful place to begin with.

Protecting Our Children

How do you protect your children in a fallen world?

The intro:
I wish I could tell my child that if she does what's right, no harm will befall her.
I could never tell her such a huge lie.

I will always tell her about Love - God's Love, her family's love, the love she should have for herself. She is to always show love to others.  But I can't tell her about Good without telling her the dark truths and the warning stories as well.

Never act in such a way that you give an evil-filled person an excuse to harm you.

Gender. Race. Nationality.  Height. The clothes you wear. The music you listen to.  People find reasons to make assumptions about you.


The stories (as brief as possible):
***Living with my parents as a high-schooler, I invited a new friend over.  They walked into my ridiculously large, two-staircase, expansive Texas home and asked not "Is your dad a CEO" "Is your dad a lawyer" nope, instead, "is your dad a drug dealer?" - high school friend

***Driving along in my Honda as a relatively new but attentive driver, some lady almost ran me off the road. I had to veer off road into a parking lot to avoid a sideswipe impact when this lady didn't realize her lane was ending.  She pulled in the parking lot.  She didn't tell me she was sorry or that she didn't see me, she told me to go back to Mexico.  I'm Salvadoran by the way. - random driver

***Moving away for college is bittersweet. What better way to feel independent, adult, free?  I missed my family so much during orientation that I got in my car and drove the two hours back home from Waco.  It's exciting but not easy to leave the nest.  I'm in my dorm room unpacking my belongings and trying to settle in to an unfamiliar place.  Blah, blah, I hardly remember the conversation..."oh but I actually had to work hard in high school to get here, I'm not Hispanic."  Shock.  We'd had one class together in high-school - regular Algebra - as in not Honors, not AP, not my typical course load.  I'd seen my name on the "As" whiteboard in that class after every test and had never seen her name on that list. - college peer

***I was in college and wanted to go to law school. I scheduled a meeting with the pre-law advisor to try to figure out which law school would be the best fit and for guidance regarding my application packets.  The guy told me I didn't have what it took to go to law school and that I should look into teaching or nursing. I have nothing against teaching or nursing, but that's not what I felt called to.  If you google top tier law school you will see that Notre Dame is in the top tier to this day.  I graduated with high grades and scored in the top 8% of all would-be-lawyers who had taken the LSAT. - pre-law advisor

***Driving home from law school took about 18 hours.  After something like hour 15 I "veered into the fog lane".  For that, I was charged at with an officer who had his hand on his gun.  He demanded that I immediately get out of the car, place my hands on the trunk, and - apparently when I didn't move fast enough - he asked me if I "even speak English".  I've had so few people yell at me in my life - even my parents show me such great respect and have better communication skills - I froze after getting out of my car just from the shock of the whole situation.  The officer eventually apologized for delaying my return home from law school when he realized I had a Portland Texas police officer in the car as my passenger. - police officer

***I often have to depose people as part of my job and I hear the same thing over and over.  Are you the court reporter?  Surely I can't be the lawyer. - lawyers and their staff

I can assure you that there's 100 more stories but I don't recall them all at this moment because I'm not inclined to dwell on such things.  There are great people and people that would seek to harm/oppress/insult/hate/belittle you in all walks of life.  Some you come across as high-school classmates, other drivers, college peers, pre-law advisors (who are later let go!), police officers, lawyers, etc.  Those people don't represent their profession, their university, their community.  There are many great people in all of those areas of life, but the reality is that there are dangerous people in those areas of life as well.


The conclusion:
I will teach my daughter -
Always break through others' prejudices. Don't live up to people's assumptions. Be true to yourself and let your true identity overcome the lies that others would have you believe about yourself.
I will teach my daughter -
Be smart. Be safe. Be humble. Never act in such a way that you give an evil-filled person an excuse to harm you.

Who is this baby??

We've been so spoiled with Alessandra.

Alessandra doesn't go to daycare yet. She goes to grandmas house for full time care so she's not exposed to many children or to their germs. She's about to be ten months old & she's only caught one cold...at the hospital.  For months on end we've enjoyed so many smiles, so much laughter, and so much adorableness all around.

Last weekend and at the start of this week Alessandra was such a terror! Alessandra got a tummy bug Friday night & a full recovery took a few days. She's been so CLINGY. So FUSSY. So not-Alessandra.

Alessandra cuddled daddy for hours.

 She looked SO tired.

Normally she wants to do her own thing & doesn't want to be held for long. While she's been sick she hasn't wanted to be put down At All. While it's nice receiving baby cuddles, Ryan & I developed sore arms & aching backs from carrying that 19 lb baby everywhere. We've also expended so much energy being careful not to allow her to fall or hit her head when she throws TANTRUMS involving screaming and a firmly arched back. I knew Alessandra wasn't sick with anything serious, and that was very comforting, but it was stressful trying to make Alessandra happy & being unable to cheer her up or calm her down.

Who is this baby?  Where is my sweet sweet happy girl??

It's been exhausting & stressful handling a sick baby. It really made me appreciate the multitude of days when Alessandra isn't sick!!

Alessandra is feeling better again and it's so nice having my wonderfully happy baby back!!  Let's put those clingy fussy days behind us and just enjoy our happy baby!!

 My smiley happy baby!!

If they're happy, I'm happy!!

Love Everywhere

I remember wanting someone to love me for so long.  Even though my family was there for me, I really didn't understand that and I didn't know how to relate to them.  Instead of turning to people who were there for me, I surrounded myself with people who's lives were plagued with problems.  I would give and give without getting much back in return.  For some reason it never occurred to me that, instead of trying to force love out of the wrong people, I should find people who loved me as I was.

Things are so different now.  I have all these wonderful people to love.  My only problem, if it can even be called that, is finding enough time to bask in their love!

I had Alessandra with such high hopes of having something to offer her.  I wanted to be a great mom.  I felt ready to devote myself to someone else's well-being and happiness.  I could bring someone into the world and devote myself to bringing them up loved, cared for, protected, healthy.  I hope I'm giving her those things! But I know she gives me so much!  She brings me purpose.  She brings me joy.  She loves me.  I'm her mama and she knows it.

How can I ever feel lonely when this little person lights up my world with her smile.  How can I not feel connected to someone who seeks out my praise and encouragement every day.  How can I long for someone to want to spend time with me when I have her seeking me out at all times - even when I need to eat, shower, or otherwise be away from her.

Being parents has brought my relationship with Ryan to a whole new level.  From the start, from those early ultrasounds, he always devoted himself to being there for me 100% on the long painful journey to motherhood.  Now, he always does everything to ensure that Alessandra and I are taken care of.  It's sometimes in the little things like making sure I don't forget my lunch or that Alessandra always has her paci for the car ride.  Sometimes its the bigger things like, if at all possible, being present when Alessandra gets her shots so he can help soothe her...and being present for her shots in case I feel faint.  Sometimes its the great big things like encouraging me to take a massive pay cut because he wants time with me - and for Alessandra to get time with me - more than he wants extra spending money.

I receive a hundred acts of love a week.  Sure, we say I love you and we are an affectionate bunch, but that's not what I'm referring to.  I feel connected to people now. Our relationships are important to all parties involved.  Sharing moments together brings me so much joy. I love laughing together, dancing with each other, making silly faces, mimicking each other's babblings, having pillow fights, sitting by the pool watching birds, comforting each other through tough times, winding down together in the evenings into peaceful rest. Everything is better simply because Alessandra is there.  Every experience is more memorable just because the three of us share the experience as a family.

I love my hubby and baby. I haven't forgotten what life was like without them. I haven't forgotten the days when I just wanted to feel part of something greater than myself. I am thankful for every day with my two loves.

The Start & End of My Day

The people in my immediate surroundings have received the benefit of my love and attention much more so than ever now that I'm re-establishing balance in my life.  So what happens next?  It's going to be gradual but I'm looking for opportunities to involve myself in a greater community.  I have great sources of inspiration that power me through the day.  These things are a fueling a desire to reach out and affect lives beyond those of my friends and family.  I'm determined to get out there & find ways to help others.  I finally feel like I'm in the clear with my own family & I'm hoping to find ways to improve the lives of other children & families. There's only so much I can do, but even small differences are worth it. Lets make this happen!!

Mornings-

I've been listening to my podcasts at 5:45am while I prepare Alessandra's first bottle for the day and it helps tremendously to start my day off on the right foot.  It's easy to get caught up in the details and demands of the day and to lose sight of the big picture. Starting the day off with important life lessons helps keep the remainder of the day's adventures in perspective. I'm feeling so empowered and ready to give my best every day now that I've spent the morning in reflection and not busy with work.

Evenings-

During the week I get the largest chunk of time with Alessandra between 6pm and 8:30pm.  There's nothing that refreshes my soul and reminds me of what's important so much as that beautiful innocent excited smile. Sometimes the smile is directed at me, sometimes - oftentimes - it's directed at Daddy, and sometimes it has nothing to do with us but is just pure excitement.  Seeing her - she always makes me want to be a better person.  She always inspires me to do more.  As much as I want to inspire her, she is the one who inspires me.

My beautiful little love.  My reason for everything.