And I Love Her

The moment I saw Alessandra- just her little hand reaching to the sky while the doctor was working on her - I immediately felt a thousand feelings and thought a thousand thoughts about her.  I know I'm supposed to love her.  I know it's my responsibility to take care of her.  My feelings go beyond that.  I want to take care of her.  I want to protect her.  I want for her to always know she's loved.  She's the sun in my sky.

Being a parent pushes you past your comfort zone.  Being a parent makes you grow.  It makes you humble.  It makes you walk around the world feeling so vulnerable because the thing that matters most to you isn't simple.  She's not a machine - she's not a formula - she's not predictable.  She's a human being and bring all the complexities that come with it.

I do my best for her.  I've always thought that if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well and Alessandra has brought that to a whole new level.  So many people offer me advice.  Some of the people that offer me advice have made a mess of their own lives and I have a hard time taking them seriously.  But I even have trouble accepting advice from the people who I love, respect, and admire the most.  I realize though that it's not their advice that bothers me.  It's not that I don't think they have valuable information to share.  It's just that I struggle with feeling like people don't realize how much I care.  I love her.  I always want to do what is best for her.  I want to give her the best life possible.  I want to equip her for the future as much as possible.  I want to do not just what is easy for me or what is comfortable for her - I will set those things aside if doing something difficult for me or challenging for her helps her be her best.  My real struggle isn't about accepting people's advice, it's with feeling criticized.  I'm struggling with learning the appropriate way to take people's advice.

When I step back and think about it, the most likely reason that people are giving me advice is that they genuinely want to help.  They realize they have information that I don't have.  They want to ensure that Alessandra gets whats best for her.  They want to offer me something that is helpful.
My pride gets in the way of seeing that when I am in the moment.  I feel criticized.  I feel like someone is giving me advice because they don't think I bothered to figure something out for myself.  I feel like someone is accusing me of not caring about her enough - about not loving her enough.  That's whats hard for me to take.

I surround myself with people that I love and respect.  I invite them to be in my daughter's life because I know they are a positive force in my own life and that Alessandra will be better off for knowing them.  I just want people to see the inverse.  I love her.  I am committed to her well-being.  I listen to everyone's advice - I do my own research - I listen to my own intuition - I pay attention to how Alessandra responds to what I do.  I want nothing but the best for her.  I love her.  I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.

I just need to wrap my head around the fact that people can offer advice without criticizing me as a parent and without thinking that I don't love her.  They just have something to offer that is helpful.  It's not about me.  It's about her.  It's about doing what is best for her.

Answered Prayers

When Ryan informed me that he was sick & I realized that around the time he was likely to recover he'd be out of town on a work trip, I felt a sinking feeling in my gut.  How am I going to do mom's job and dad's job until Ryan is well and present?!  I reached out to my family and to the mom's group that I recently joined asking both for help and for prayers.
Clearly I'm not a single mom. We're a dual income happily married couple raising our precious daughter together in our beautiful house.  We honestly have little hardship to speak of. However, with hubby being sick for days & leaving for a five day business trip, I got the tiniest peak into what it would be like to have to do this alone. We've kept Ryan away from Alessandra (and me) so that his cold doesn't spread & I've had to work so much harder to take on his tasks in addition to my own.  There's nothing like going without Ryan's help to realize how much he does for  us!! It's taken a great deal of planning to ensure that pumping, feeding, meal prep, bottle cleaning, etc. is all taken care of & that Alessandra gets the full attention that she deserves. There were a couple of times this week that I had to multiple task and a few times that things got put off for the next day. I really don't know how some moms do this without help from dad!  Typically Ryan does the dishes, washes laundry, grocery shops, and does various other tasks that free me up to do the hands on tasks with Alessandra such as feeding & diapering. It's been a bit overwhelming trying to take care of these things without Ryan and that's even with the benefit if our families.
Wonderful family! Everyone has taken a turn in helping out this week and I appreciate it greatly. My dad watched Alessandra twice so I could do chores & eat, my sister and brother-in-law took on a shift so that I was able to take a nap, my sister visited again so I could finish chores and brought me dinner, and my mother-in-law watched Alessandra so I could get clothes for my return to work next week. I don't know how I would have survived the week without so much help. Alessandra demands so much of my time & Ryan's help is what usually makes it possible for me to take care of my own needs. This whole experience without Ryan's help really makes me appreciate what I have. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a huge support system.

Grandma Hernandez cuddling with Alessandra.

Grandpa Hernandez is so comfy he always gets Alessandra to sleep.

Grandma Gosewehr getting to visit with Alessandra in her own home.

Tia Susie & Alessandra poolside.  Susie is probably plotting to kidnap Alessandra.

...This week I have to return to work while Ryan is out of state until Friday! I know I can do it because my family has already stepped up to help. I sure am looking forward to having Ryan back in town & in good health!!

Family Love

When I decided that I may want to start a family it immediately became important to me to ensure that my child would have access to all the love that extended family has to offer.  I saw the strong bond my nephews developed with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and wanted to ensure that my child got to experience that as well.  I didn't necessarily need to live "down the street" from family but I definitely wanted family to be close enough for a road-trip or weekend visit.
Everything lined up beautifully so that Ryan and I both ended up with jobs very close to both sides of the family.  We are now living within a 5 mile radius of both sets of grandparents as well as living close to both of my sisters and their families. I am amazed by how much everyone in the family loves Alessandra and how much they do for our family.  I appreciate the various gifts they've given her, the times they've helped Ryan and me so that we're better able to care for her, and I'm especially thankful for all the times they have visited her so that she knows what a big family is present and ready to love and care for her.  Right now she is little and not fully aware of the details of what goes on around her.  But as she gets older she will create memories with her family and she will have thousands of pictures to look back on and know that her family has always been there for her.  The family met Alessandra before she even left the hospital!

Alessandra's Aunts overjoyed just moments after her birth.  They were present when she came into the world.

Grandma Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Grandpa Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Gosewehr grandparents plus Daddy with Alessandra in the hospital.

The Greater Needs

Alessandra is growing like crazy!!  That means she is also very demanding!  She is a very sweet girl and, after hearing how other moms are faring, I've realized that she is a rather easy, predictable, "good" baby.  It's hard to admit that she's not as difficult as some other babies when most of my sleep is in two to three hour intervals, I eat most of my meals cold standing over the sink & I sometimes find it hard to squeeze in a full shower (my hair goes unwashed sometimes...).  But really about 95% of the time that she fusses all she needs is a diaper change, food, or her pacifier.  Her basic needs aren't so much complicated as they are demanding.  During the day we're on three hour cycles of feeding, pumping, diapering, soothing, etc. and in the evening she usually graciously extends those cycles to about five hours. It's a tough job.  I don't get weekends and evenings to recover or pursue other interests.  I'm hers around the clock.

I'm replaceable.  Anyone can meet those needs for Alessandra.  I can easily hire someone to meet her basic needs (hey, then I'd get some rest!) but I hope I offer Alessandra much more than that.  When I'm not physically taking care of her, usually during her naps, I am trying to figure out how to meet Alessandra's greater needs.

I often research or talk to other moms to try to find out what is best for her development.  Does crying it out benefit a child? When should I start tummy time? Should I help her to learn things or should I let her develop at her own pace?

I know there is no one-size-fits all answer to most parenting questions but I hope to learn from other people's wisdom and experiences.

The moments when I get to go beyond Alessandra's basic needs and meet her greater needs are my greatest joy.  I get so pumped up when I see her trying to do something that she previously couldn't.  I lay there on her mat during tummy time literally cheering her on and encouraging her as I see her try to lift her head, push up, or push forward.  I see her trying to fine tune her motor skills and figure out how to control her hands and make lots of excited noises so she knows mommy likes what she's doing.  I'm there to give her a big hug and many kisses when she gets so frustrated because she has tried to do something and failed.

Alessandra enjoying her swing.  It's one of her calm places.

 Alessandra on her first stroller walk around the neighborhood.  Grandpa joined us too.

 Alessandra learning to push up during her first tummy time.

I know these things don't change the world, but they get her one step closer to meeting her ultimate potential in life.  I want her to know from the start that I will always be there supporting her, cheering her on, and offering comfort when she needs it.

My goodness she meets my greater needs too.  I feel absolutely proud, excited, and happy with my life when she lets me just take it all in and enjoy her company.  It's such a blessing just holding her, putting on a good song, and swaying with her.  My precious little girl.  I know it won't last.  What lies ahead is great too.

Awful First Week

I'll be honest here.  Our first week as parents was completely overwhelming.  We had beautiful wonderful moments with Alessandra, of course, but we also experienced so many frustrations, tears, and felt both scared and helpless.  I'll start by sharing those and share the joys after the harsh reality.

We didn't sleep the first few days after we became parents.  So many people had told us that we needed to "sleep when the baby does" to make it through the newborn phase and we were absolutely terrified when we thought back on the first few days and realized Alessandra hadn't slept more than 30 minutes at a time. She was always fussy.  She breastfed non-stop, which the nurses told me was a normal thing called "cluster feeding".  I was left exhausted and bleeding from the excessive feedings.  She wouldn't poop.  The fact that she wouldn't poop was actually a big deal.  There were calls to emergency nurse lines, an earlier than usual second pediatric appointment & great concern overall over the situation.

At the hospital where she was cluster feeding:

 At home as efforts to exclusively breast feed continued:

 At the pediatrician's office:

After several calls with the nurses and pediatrician I was told to supplement Alessandra's diet with formula. I did not want to give her formula!! I want her to have mama's milk.  There was an immense amount of pressure from the hospital staff, the pediatrician, society and from myself to exclusively breastfeed. I've always thought of formula as chemicals - almost like a can of coke - and wanted to only give Alessandra what was 100% natural & meant for her consumption.  I was initially horrified at the thought of giving that to my new tiny baby.
I didn't argue with the pediatrician though and I did as she said.  I cried over the fact that I was giving formula to my baby but I knew I'd rather feed her formula than see her continue to cry non-stop and not sleep.  Once the formula was being used, I used a pump to see how much milk I was producing.  My sister was nice enough to immediately send her husband over with a pump (they take a long time to arrive after putting in an order).  I was so disappointed with the tiny amount that came from one breast and the fact that only blood would come from the other.  I felt like an absolute failure and immediately wondered how long I had been starving Alessandra by only giving her the tiny amount of breast milk that I was producing. It was so disappointing to have to deviate from my plan and my intentions for her but I knew I had to set aside my own ego and do what was best for her.  I was determined to breastfeed.  Even if I could only pump half an ounce a day, I was determined to try my best to give Alessandra as much of my milk as possible, so I started pumping every three hours.  Each time I pumped there was a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. With each extra tenth of an ounce that I produced, I was able to cut out a little bit of formula.  Finally, after so many pumping sessions, she was getting more of my milk than formula!
It has been very exhausting staying dedicated to the regular pumping and feeding sessions but it is so worth it to see Alessandra satisfied- to see her gaining weight, sleeping well and at generally at peace.  Now that Alessandra's food intake is straightened out, everything else - pooping, sleep, weight gain - fell into place.

Birth Story

Sex: Female

Date of Birth: 8/7/14
Original Due Date: 8/13/14
Weeks Pregnant: 39 weeks 1 day
Baby's Weight: 8lbs 6oz
Baby's Length: 20" 

I thought my water broke at 5am on the 5th but when I spoke with the doctor & told him it was a small amount of fluid, he seemed convinced that it was not amniotic fluid. On the 6th I had a similar leak again in the morning so I informed my doctor about it at the weekly doctor appointment at 9:15am. At this point he seemed more convinced that it might be my water & he sent me down the hall to have an amniosure test. The test confirmed I was leaking amniotic fluid and I was admitted to labor & delivery at 11:30am. I was on antibiotics from there on out (6 rounds) because my water had been leaking for so long. I've heard that many doctors will do c-sections if the water has been broken for over 24 hours to prevent the risk of infection and I was very relieved to find out that my doctor was not of that mindset.  I wanted as natural and unmedicated of a birth as possible.

I wasn't progressing on my own & was only dilated to a fingertip so pitocin was started at 1pm. I was not excited about the pitocin because I know that it tends to intensify contractions and lead to epidurals or other medical interventions but I understood the doctor's concern about wanting to get labor underway since my water had broken and I wasn't progressing.  I started having painful contractions around 4pm, a few hours after the pitocin was started, but I could breathe through the contractions & distract myself between contractions. By 10pm my contractions were off the charts but I was not any more dilated and my labor was not progressing. I was in a significant amount of pain & was using different techniques such as the birthing ball, trying different positions, trying to breathe with hubby, but nothing was helping to get my mind off the intense contractions. 

When midnight hit, 12 hours after being admitted, my contractions were very intense, coming with no breaks for rest in between contractions, and I was in the worst pain in my life.  I knew childbirth would be painful but I did not expect to be in such intense pain for such a long period of time with NO progress towards delivery.  When the doctor confirmed I was still at a fingertip dilated despite hours of painful contractions, I finally asked for an epidural.  I was exhausted, in pain, and concerned that I'd be unable to push if I had to endure the pain for much longer.  Thankfully, I received the epidural almost immediately after asking for it. My pain was fully relieved minutes later & I slept from 12:30-3am. I was checked at 3am and was dilated to 3 with a bulging bag. I was finally making progress towards meeting my little one!! I slept again 3:15-4:20 then at 4:45am began feeling lots of pressure and was dilated to 5 & bulging. By 6:35 I was pressing the epi button with no relief & was dilated to a 7. The pain was bad but not unbearable.  The nurses offered me narcotic/IV pain meds but I didn't need that.

By 9am the urge to push was increasing & I was dilated to 9. I told the nurse I needed to push at 9 but she said my body wasn't ready. I held out until 10am, feeling the urge to push the entire hour, when I finally told the nurse I couldn't resist the urge to push any more. I began pushing with just the nurse & no doctor. After a few pushes, she could see baby's head and was alternating between calling the doctor & being ready to catch my baby because I was a "good pusher". When I was told the doctor was almost there I managed to stop pushing for three contractions. My sisters were in the room for the delivery and at this point they both were telling me they could see baby's head/hair. After the doctor arrived I pushed about four more times and baby Alessandra was born at 10:50am. I heard her cry & saw her flailing arms & immediately felt relief from the entire birth process. 

I didn't quite have the birth that I had hoped for - specifically, I was induced and I needed the epidural - but I'm relieved that things mostly went smoothly.  Alessandra and I both came out of the other end of this whole ordeal healthy & I was exactly where I wanted to be mentally when she arrived.  I felt something new and special from that first time I saw her that I feel every time I see her.  I have had such a blessed life that I'm immensely thankful for, but Alessandra is the best most amazing blessing. She's the baby I hoped & prayed for & I'll do everything I can to ensure that she has a great life & turns into a great woman.  She is so loved.

Falling In Love All Over Again

Hubby & I went to a Prepared Child Birth class at the hospital in anticipation of the arrival of our little girl and I was blown away.  Honestly, I've wondered over the last few months how hubby will fare when I go into labor. Although he has always been there for me when I've needed him, it's hard to know what to expect in this new context.  It was so reassuring to experience that class as a team.  Yes, there was so much for ME to learn at the class, but there was so much information for fathers as well and Ryan soaked it all up.  He was there to learn just as much as I was and I feel confident that he will be 100% dedicated to helping me through labor when the time comes.
Deciding to have a child together means that we've decided to embark on another life-long commitment together.  We previously said 'til death do us part and decided to take on the life-long journey of marriage together but we've now also agreed to venture into unknown territory together on a project that will surely be full of joys and challenges.  Ryan has been in this as a team every step of the way.  The pregnancy itself has been physically and emotionally difficult and Ryan has been my rock through it all.  He is so compassionate and supportive and is always trying to make sure that I'm as comfortable as possible despite the various discomforts associated with pregnancy.  I'm so thankful for his support throughout the pregnancy.  I imagine it gets tiring coming home to someone who is pretty miserable every day but he is so patient and caring day after day.

Here he is learning how to take care of a baby:

I love you Bear!!