Two Part Conversion

What happens when we find God? What does it take to convert to Christianity or to another theistic religion?
Once we gain an awareness of God - once revelation is complete - then what happens?

Redemption, ideally, but not necessarily.

Once we gain this knowledge and experience of God, He continues to be a gentleman and doesn't impose His will on us.  It remains up to us to accept what He has to offer.  We get to choose what to do with our new-found knowledge of God.  It's our choice whether to proceed to the step of redemption or to stop just with revelation.

When we meet God, we're confronted with how unlike Him we are.  This is the Being from which creation springs.  This is the Being who gave us our marvelous capabilities.  This is the Being who sent His Son to die on a cross for those who are so far from being like God that they couldn't ever have reached Him otherwise. He is Love.  He is Good.  He is inexplicably determined to direct that Love and Goodness towards us.

What is an appropriate response to meeting such a Being?

One option is to maintain your prior agenda, to continue being exactly who you were, to keep your worldview, your ambitions, and your pride intact and to conform God to your image.

Has such a person really converted to Christianity?  Where is the conversion portion of their experience? Have their actions conformed to the character and essence of God that we're supposed to mirror?  
If someone can't admit their need for God, if someone can't acknowledge their need to be transformed by God, if someone can't put God's agenda for man above their own agenda, isn't this revelation without redemption?  Aren't we seeing only one step in a multi-step process.  Isn't the process of conversion incomplete?

Isn't the conversion experience one in which we must first find God and then look inwards and find ourselves anew in the context of God's existence?  Have we completed the process of conversion if we have only found Him but have not found our need of Him?

Impersonal Motherhood

Research.  Ask others with expertise.  Carefully select.  Plan.  Invest time & energy.

There's a general way that I handle things in my life that I care about. I take a certain approach to work, major purchases, big life decisions, etc.  So far this multi-step level of attention to the task at hand has produced great results.  I've now survived a few major purchases, big plans (wedding/travel/relocation), and met pretty good success in work by following my methodology.

Is this way of approaching things enough to make a good mom?

The answer appears to be no.

I used the same approach I've always used when it came to becoming a mommy.  I researched, asked others' opinions, weighed my options, and put up good sums of money making sure we had the best of everything as Alessandra came into the world.  I chose a great doctor, a great hospital, went to birth classes, went to parenting classes, selected the best pack & play, carseat, and bottles.  I wouldn't say that time and attention was wasted, but how has it enhanced Alessandra's bond with me?  How does it affect her perception and memory of mommy?

Alessandra doesn't know what went in to selecting her crib, how many music classes I researched before I chose one, or the hours I've spent in stores reading over labels to make sure everything is non-GMO, gluten-free, and organic. 

What part of my parenting is Alessandra aware of?

I want Alessandra to have memories with me.  I want her to see my smile, to remember my laughter, to recall good times with me.  I want her to be able to flip through volumes of photos capturing our shared experiences. I want her to pick up my mannerisms. I want to hear people tell her that she's just like her momma.  I want her to miss me when she goes to college (maybe not every day, but often enough).

I can't create the bond that I want to have with Alessandra just by getting her the best of everything.  I can't leave the imprint I want to leave on her life just by making good choices for her.  In order to create the best bond with Alessandra, I need to be present in her life and show her my love in ways that she understands.

She is my heart.  I want her to know it.




It doesn't get much better than this:

Playing on the mats before music class:

Hanging out at the park with extended family:

Playing with mega-blocks:

Praying

Every day I have something meaningful and important to be dedicated to, to improve for, to be thankful for.

It's been easy for me to go to God with my needs for so long now.  I need a better job.  I need to be close to my family again.  I need to survive law school.  I have sought him for comfort, care, peace for so many years.

Is that all He wants from us?  Should our conversations with God center around asking for more, more, and more of what we think we need?

I pray differently now that I realize what's precious.  My pastor set out a means to pray that really makes sense to me.

ACTS
Adoration: seeing a glimpse of Him in His majesty
Confession: being self-aware of my struggles, shortcomings, and areas needing improvement
Thanksgiving: for every moment, for every opportunity, for one more day that I get to be a mom
Supplication: coming full circle from realizing God's goodness, seeing where I need more of Him, seeing where He needs more from me, and asking that His will be done

It's clearer now - how to go to God with that heart, with that mindset, filled with the gift of perspective for all that He has given me, all that He is, and all that He has in store for me.

Two Beings, One Body

I carried her for forty weeks.
In that time I became twice the woman I was before.

Before, I lived for me.  I angered when someone offended me, I hurt when someone betrayed me, I rejoiced in my own accomplishments, I planned for my own future.

In forty weeks I became two.

Half of my heart lives on as it did before.  I seek satisfaction, peace, accomplishment, joy, love.

Half of my heart is her every step, her every breath, her every accomplishment.  I didn't just create her during that time.  Yes, her cells divided and multiplied.  I too divided and multiplied.  Every fiber of my being went from being wholly mine to being wholly hers as well.  I'd do anything for her.  I'd risk anything for her.

I live on as before.
A whole new me lives on too.  A whole me that knows nothing but devote to her.  She is satisfaction.  She is peace.  She is accomplishment.  She is joy.  She is love.  She is my wonderful everything but I remain whole for her.

She'll grow up.  She'll need me less.  God willing, she will become two one day.
I'll always be here.  Whole.  Everything I was before she arrived.  And so much more.

The Absurd Promise of Happiness

There is a shiny, colorful, enticing world out there.

Sometime I make it a couple of minutes into a commercial before I even know what product is being sold. Yes, we're sold items that meet our needs.  Yes, we're sold items that will be useful to us.  We're also sold a whole lot of fleeting pleasure with a promise of happiness.

Yes, the sound of that soda can popping open and the big smile on an actress' face after the first sip make me want a soda, but do I really want a soda?  Extra calories? Sugar crash? Teeth stains? No. No, I don't want a soda.

What are we really after? What interest are these marketing people really appealing to?
What I want is the image of happiness that is being sold.

We want happiness, satisfaction, and contentment.
Where do we go to get these things?
If we continue to reach outwards to find these things they will always be just beyond our fingertips.  If we look inward, we will find exactly what we are looking for.

Inside is our skill set.  Inside is our drive.  Inside is our purpose.  Inside is the spark of the Divine.  Inside is everything we need to develop satisfying relationships with our family, our friends, and our Lord.  Inside is what we need to wake up each day, set a goal, work hard, and earn a sense of accomplishment.

What is your skill set?  Why are you here?  What feels true, natural, and real to you?  What are you proud of? In who's company do you feel fulfilled?

Happiness is real.  It is not a destination but it is something that can be continually replenished.  If we habitually and repeatedly look inward we won't be distracted by the shiny fleeting things and will keep our eyes on the things that satisfy.

A Joyful World

A leaf is a fun new toy that needs to be twirled, waved around, and tossed into the wind.

The sound of the vacuum is delightful music that needs to be rocked to, bounced to, and danced to.

Each passing stranger deserves a smile, a wave, and eye contact.

A bite of "adult" food warrants celebration, an "mmm", and a victory lap.

Each toy must be cuddled, carried, and blessed with a dozen kisses.

I'm her mother.  Of course I strive to teach her everything from simple tasks to larger concepts daily.  But sometimes I just need to sit back and learn.  She doesn't mean to teach me.  She doesn't intentionally set out to help me better understand how to live.  But there is so much that I can learn from her.

I pray that we each learn how to see the world with a joyful heart.  I pray that we each learn to enjoy the simple happy moments instead of dwelling on our greater concerns.  I pray that we learn the positive effect that we can have on others by exhibiting our own joyfulness.

I will be happy when...

I will be happy when I'm a size 4.
I will be happy when I pay off my student loans.
I will be happy when I get married.
I will be happy when I finish college.

There will always be a "when I....".

We can't allow our hopes for the future to rob us of the present opportunity for joy, happiness, and satisfaction.  This kind of thinking results from prioritizing what we don't have over what we do have and/or prioritizing what we want to be over what we are.

There's nothing wrong with wanting progress.  There's nothing wrong with working hard to accomplish goals. But when we delay our happiness, stifling it in the present moment, feeling that we are not entitled to it "until x", then we miss some of life's greatest opportunities.

If you aren't happy now, do you really believe that you "will be happy when..."?  If you aren't happy with what you have now, will some one other factor make all of the difference?

Yes, we all have things to strive for.  Yes, we have opportunities to improve ourselves and to improve our lives.  But we will never arrive at some magical point where things couldn't be "better".  Frankly, the people in my life have it very well.  We have the love of our friends and family.  We have health.  Most of us have a job to go to in the morning or the qualifications to get one if we needed it.  The fact that we have an actual opportunity for a better future is a gift in itself.

There's a peace and a stillness that comes from gratitude.  There's an opportunity to turn down yearnings for more and to fully experience what is in our present.  There's a great sense of fulfillment that we can experience when we step back, gain perspective, and realize the value of all of the blessings in our life.

What do you have to be thankful for today?  Who's love have you taken for granted?  What job have you not made the most of?  What present level of stability have you failed to acknowledge as a blessing?

Can we stop focusing on "when I" and appreciate what we have now?