Maternal Bliss

On July 7, 2017 we finally met the fourth and final member of our little family.
Evangeline "Eva" Aurora filled our hearts and our arms at an impressive 9 lbs 8 oz.

Isn't she a beauty!?

Pregnancy:
I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Evangeline in the same way I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy with Alessandra - feeling the minutes tick by, anxious to meet my little ladies, praying for a healthy baby and smooth delivery, and feeling the immense toll that pregnancy takes on my body in the final trimester.

Labor Begins:
I learned to fear and loathe the induction process with Alessandra so I was incredibly relieved when my water broke on its own in the wee hours of July 7.   Ryan and I ran around the house like crazy making sure all of our bags were packed and that we had everything we would need for the 3 day hospital stay. We're very blessed to have many family members nearby and my mother-in-law was at our house to watch Alessandra within 30 minutes of my water breaking.  I chose my sisters as my support people months in advance but, as they should, they have lives and commitments of their own. They both traveled out of town in the days before I went into labor.  I literally tracked my oldest sister through our iPhones right after my water broke and was so relieved to see that she was already on the road back to Dallas from Chicago by that point.

The car ride to the hospital felt incredibly long.  I wasn't in much pain. I was just excited, anxious, and ready to meet my little lady.  I called ahead and checked in and tried to mentally prepare for what was to come.  I labored for 24 hours with Alessandra.  I knew there was a good chance I would labor for several hours before meeting my new child, so I tried to get my head straight and prepare for the marathon ahead. I'm convinced that nothing can prepare you for childbirth.

Hospital Chaos:
We arrived at an overly crowded Labor & Delivery around 3am.  They didn't have a room for us so we waited in triage for an extended period of time.  Although I was certain that my water broke, they ran tests to make sure it was the real deal.  I was finally officially admitted to the hospital at 3:45am.  At around 5am I was finally admitted to a delivery room.  I felt so much more comfortable knowing that I could progress with labor in an individual room as opposed to a shared triage space.  At this point, I was in a comfortable space, my support people were nearby on-call, and I was ready to meet my little lady!

Labor:
I thought of myself as a strong person with a high pain tolerance until I went through labor with my first daughter.  I'm usually all about physical challenges, pushing my limits, and ignoring any desire to give up.  Labor is different.  I went into this labor with a mantra, with prayer, with much more control over my mind overall, but about six hours into the process I started to feel overwhelmed.  I requested medicine for the pain.  The hospital staff knew that I wanted as little intervention as possible and they never offered, pressured, or suggested anything that contravened my desires.  It sounds like a simple thing but I didn't feel like my wishes were honored in full during my first labor so this was a very welcome change.  During every step of the process- the nurses, anesthesiologist, ob/gyn- all made sure that I was informed about each option and medical intervention and only proceeded once my informed consent was received.  It was a very empowering labor.  It was my labor.  No one took control over it. I was in control of it.

I did it.  The hospital staff certainly helped.  My support people helped tremendously.  There were several times during labor that I had to close my eyes and just breathe and listen.  I tried to take the focus off everything I was feeling and just listen.  When I listened I heard nothing but encouragement and love. I heard my sisters' excitement that they would soon see their second niece come into the world. I heard my wonderful husband saying "you're doing great Hon".
I knew I was progressing.  I knew I was so close to meeting my daughter.  I blocked out all the fears, all the hesitations, all the concern for what might happen to me and was ready.

I pushed for mere minutes before finally hearing my tiniest lady's powerful cry.  All the fears about shoulder dystocia, baby getting stuck in my pelvis, a possible c-section, etc. were gone. Immediately upon Eva's birth, the room erupted with comments and jokes about her size.  She's a "rolly polly baby" (because she literally has half a dozen back rolls), "I bet she exceeds 4500 grams" (the cutoff at which many doctors will insist upon or require a c-section), "hurry up and clean her, I want to know how much she weighs".  Thank God.  She got her safe and I'm well on my way to a full recovery.

My family is complete.

Big Sister:
My little Alessandra has understandably struggled with her new role as a big sister.  Ryan and I adore her.  We spend countless hours thinking about her, planning for her, making sacrifices, changing jobs, reading books, talking to people, doing whatever we can to try to make choices that benefit her, to be caring and loving parents, and also to discipline her and prepare her for a challenging world.

We love Alessandra more than ever now, but she has to see us love someone else just as fiercely as we love her.  It can't be easy.  We try to let her express the big emotions she is experiencing, to nurture her as she adapts to changes, and to reassure her that our love for our new daughter takes nothing away from our love for her.  In some ways I know she gets it but the moments of doubt, fear, and jealousy are real and we will not diminish her experience.  We will support her and love her through this experience acknowledging that it isn't easy.

Most days Alessandra is our big helper. She gives her sister a pacifier to soothe her, she worries when she cries, and she sings to her as she sleeps. On the days when things aren't quite so sweet we just try to remember to love Alessandra even more gently than usual and to have realistic and age-appropriate expectations during this time of transition.

I don't know why God saw fit to make me a mother.  I cherish the privilege every day.  I have known no greater Joy.  I have known no greater Love.  I have known no greater Purpose.

I have known no other experience that sheds light so clearly on the Love that God has for us, His precious children, quite like being a parent.

He loves us in a way that is unfathomable. Loving our children merely gives us a glimpse, an idea, into what His Love is like.  I thank God for each and every day that I get to wake up, maybe even three or four times a night, and be a mother to two of His precious little children.

The Ordinary Days

I tend to write when I'm working through difficult emotions and/or difficult situations.  I've written very little in the last several months.  Honestly, I haven't written because I've  enjoyed and indulged in a time of peace.

There are often various sources of stress in my life:
- social expectations: business networking and enjoying time with friends,
- finances: buying a house, international travel, setting a budget,
- big decisions that can have a major impact on my family: selecting a school for Alessandra, finding a local church
- work/life balance: wanting my employer to know I'm committed and passionate about what I do, while knowing that I am irreplaceable to my family and that they will always be a priority,
- mental health: recurring bouts of depression and anxiety since I turned 13,
- etc.

Lately, none of my usual stressors have been causing me any problems.  I've found myself in a period of stability. There are a few things that prominently stand out in my mind about this period of stability.

One: My life choices got me here.

I chose to be with someone who is financially responsible, who encourages me to see my counselor and often goes to counseling with me, who looks after our home and our daughter - especially while I trudge through pregnancy, and who is generally good for me and good to me.  I struggled with co-dependency and self-destructive relationships for a long time and its nice to come home every evening knowing my partner through this life journey is such a blessing.
I planned well when making various financial decisions in the last several years so that we'd end up on a workable budget.  We've worked hard to pay down debts, avoid over-indulgence, and communicate openly about expenses so that finances aren't a constant worry.
I've learned to nurture and preserve social relationships that are enjoyable, beneficial, and/or otherwise meaningful for me and got rid of several toxic relationships.
I've taken risks in my career in the hopes of finding something that is a good fit for my lifestyle, skill set, and interests.

There is something really beautiful about feeling a sense of ownership over your present situation.  I know that much of my life was formed by my upbringing, my parents' endless devotion, my gracious and generous God, my good health, and even the privilege of getting to immigrate to America at a young age.  Even with those blessings, it was my responsibility to form my life into one with peace and stability and to avoid rash, short-sighted, self-indulgent, vain, or foolish decisions.  Whatever my life looks like, I take responsibility for it. It feels good to look at what I've helped build and to know I've made the most of my blessings.

Two: This wonderful & amazing period of stability in my life has allowed me to turn my focus outside of myself.

I've put the oxygen mask on my own face during this flight called life, and I'm now equipped to help my neighbor put their mask on.  By being less worried about myself, I can mentally and emotionally devote myself more fully to helping my friends through their tough times, helping clients deal with challenges, advancing the firm's goals, and just generally being a resource for other people.

It really makes me feel fulfilled and alive to be able to give of myself to others.

I love that my friends trust me enough to come to me when they go through difficulties.  I love that I get to work in an area of law where I'm fighting on behalf of others. I'm so relieved to be in a period of stability so that I can funnel my energy into being there for others and not spend all of my energy working through my own issues.

I'm going to make the most of this time of peace and stability.

Family of Four!!

I haven't posted an update in a few months... I stopped blogging right around the time we found out we are expecting our second baby!!

I know many women who handle pregnancy beautifully but I am not one of them.  I haven't felt well for the greater part of the last 3 months but I think I've finally reached a reprieve that should last for most of the second trimester.

We're due July 11 and there is so much we need to do to prepare for the new baby's arrival.  Of course we will need to purchase some baby essentials, transform a spare bedroom into the nursery, and prepare Alessandra's big-girl room.

We will also need to mentally prepare the whole family for the new arrival!

Alessandra is not excited about the new addition at this time.  She keeps telling me "no baby" and is not excited about the thought of a little brother or little sister.  I've seen her interact with other kids though - little babies and older kids - and I know that once the baby arrives she will be more excited about her new buddy.  She is very used to having all of mama and daddy's love and attention so I'm already looking into ways to ensure that she feels happy and open to the upcoming changes.  I've even talked to my counselor about some tips and techniques to help ease the transition.  I'm hoping for the best but trying to prepare for a bit of potential heartache on Alessandra's part.  I think the transition will be difficult but in the long run she is going to love having a sibling to play with.

I am a little freaked out about the new baby.  Alessandra is so self-sufficient, such a good sleeper, and is so easy to take care of all-around.  It's crazy to think I'm going to have a tiny baby that is fully dependent on me all over again.  We have to start from scratch with midnight feedings, sleep training, trying to figure out what is wrong with someone who can't talk, etc.  Despite the bits of fear and anxiety, I feel confident that I will be just fine with the second baby.  I know what I'm doing now that I've been through it all with Alessandra! Experience counts for something, right?

Ryan gets to endure the worst part of this transition now.  Life with a newborn isn't easy, and I'm sure the first few months following the birth will be difficult for him but I think the demands on his time and energy are at their worst while I'm pregnant!  I am so dependent on him when I don't feel well and he has had to pick up so much slack taking over many of my responsibilities from bathing Alessandra, to ensuring that dinner is on the table in the evenings, and trying to keep me as comfortable as possible despite the various pregnancy symptoms.  I am so blessed to have him in my life! I am sure he is looking forward to the new baby's arrival so he can have a healthy normal wife again.  Although he has such a good attitude and is such a wonderful dad and hubby, I'm sure he would love to take a nice long break from all of these demands.

We all have to be there for each other and this will make life even better for all of us.  We can't lose sight of what we already have just because we are undergoing a big change.  Alessandra will still receive so much love, encouragement, and she will always be my first baby, even if another little person has my love too. Ryan hoped for Alessandra to have a sibling for a long time and I know he is excited to have another little best-friend.  No one makes Alessandra smile quite like her daddy and I know Ryan will develop a special bond with the new baby too. I can't believe I will have a new person to love! The relationships with special people in my life are what give life meaning.  Everything else is transient and fleeting but my bonds with my family are what make life so special.  I can't wait to be someone else's mommy - responsible for their health, growth, and happiness.  We'll take good care of you New Baby!

Seeds of Fear, Seeds of Hate, Spark of the Divine

A little girl at the playground tried to ridicule and humiliate my daughter for speaking Spanish.

My immediate responses were many.  The protector Mama Bear came out and I wanted to save my daughter from the situation.  I felt pure shock and my jaw hit the floor.  For a moment I felt responsible for what she was experiencing. I taught her Spanish, after all.  I heard a stranger (not the child's parent) chime in to try to diffuse the situation by encouraging the little girl to consider that it may be a good thing to speak both English and Spanish.

I took a deep breath and did not intervene.  I watched how Alessandra responded.  She smiled at the other little girl, sat next to her, said "Hi", and introduced herself.  For now, at least, Alessandra's own innocence meant she wasn't negatively affected by someone trying to degrade her.

Lord help me never to sow seeds of fear or hate in my child.  

It's not us versus them.  It's not familiar versus other.  It's just all of God's lost creatures discovering the spark of the Divine and trying to find their way through this mess together.

I can't shield my daughter from the world.  She will almost certainly go through much worse experiences - as I have - but, God-willing, she will come out of those situations with more wisdom, more love, and more compassion then she had before.

Our children are a blank slate.  They are innocent.  They know some level of selfishness, of course.  But what they don't know is prejudice, bias, and hate without being taught.

I pray to God every night to help me make good decisions.  If I can just make good decisions and set the right example for my daughter, maybe I can help build a foundation so strong that she can weather any storm, know her worth, and stand firm in her convictions.

My daughter.  Let me not show you the darkness. Let me show you the Light.

You were made for Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Far From Perfect

I'm very grateful for what I have in my life and I'm proud of where I've ended up, but there are days that are filled with endless struggle.

It can be a very frustrating, intimidating, overwhelming, or even terrifying to take a long hard look at yourself. What's even more overwhelming is those times that you're not afforded the luxury of choosing whether or not to take a long hard long into the abyss - you feel stuck there.  You're stuck in repetitive thoughts.  You're stuck in self-defeating behaviors.  You're stuck in sour relationships.  You're stuck in a feeling or a thought that you just can't seem to shake.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I've relied on my family to get me out of the depths.  I've been blessed with a few great friends who've sought me out when I got lost in the darkness.  I've had a powerful God to turn to for warmth at times when I just felt numb.  And, yes, I have reached out to mental health professionals at multiple points throughout my life.

I feel no shame, no weakness, and no less proud of what I've done with my life just because I sought professional mental health when I needed it.  In fact, it's something we should encourage in others and be proud of.  

The person most capable of taking care of me is me.  The person most able to figure out when I've had enough and I need assistance is me.  It's my responsibility to make sure that I'm okay.  It's my responsibility to reach out for help when I'm not okay.

Doesn't my daughter deserve the healthiest me?  Doesn't my community benefit from what I do the most when I am the healthiest me? Don't I owe it to myself to be the best me possible so I can be the best vessel for God's work that I can possibly be?  If I'm using all of my energy fighting my own demons and focusing so much of my mind space on my internal struggle, how can I turn my attention outwards and help others?

It's World Mental Health Day and I just want to encourage anyone who is going through what I've been through or who is fighting their own internal battles to reach out for help.  I would love to hear from you and support you.

It Takes a Village

Ryan goes on a business trip for one week every year.  Every year I humble myself, admit my limitations, and rely heavily on my village in order to survive the week.

My village consists of...

My mother-in-law - who cares for Alessandra three full work days per week and half days two days per week. Alessandra is so attached to Judy and really looks forward to going to grandma's house.

The church daycare - who care for Alessandra the other two half days.

The Hernandez side of the family - who invite us to dinner, join us for recreation around the neighborhood, and otherwise help me burn off Alessandra's energy.

My boss - who understands when I need to arrive late, leave early, make up time, or have a worried look on my face because I'm trying to be a good mom.

My fellow young moms - who check in on me daily, offer tips for helping a child adapt to a missing parent, and generally commiserate about the challenges of motherhood.

Boston Market (chicken), Chick-fil-a (chicken strips), Braum's (chicken strips...yes my daughter likes chicken that much) - who save me from burning food or, worse yet, burning my child while cooking.

Outside - for generally having a calming affect on my child while remaining intriguing.

The TV - for entertaining my child while I run around like a crazy person in the morning trying to pack Alessandra's lunch and put on my makeup.

The car-seat -  for lulling Alessandra to sleep so I don't have to sing the alphabet, Bingo, or the itsy-bitsy spider for the 10th time during our car ride home.

The pacifier - for assisting in bribing my child into brushing her teeth at night with less of a war than usual.

Jesus - for hearing my hundredth "oh no!" and thousandth "THANK YOU" every single day.

I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything but I sure appreciate and miss hubby.

Happy in Daddy's arms:

Blowing kisses to Daddy over face-time:

Visiting Mama at work:

Being a lawyer is exhausting:

Authentic Self

Does fulfilling your obligations feed you and/or does it drain you?

There are so many demands on our time, energy, and money.
We have so much to take care of, so many people to please, so many expectations to meet.

It's a beautiful thing when you can mark all the items of the to-do list (for the day!), meet all your deadlines, and meet everyone's expectations and feel peaceful, fulfilled, and energized by the process.

There are millions - no, billions - of people in this world for which I am a poor substitute.  I was Given certain sensitivities, interests, strengths, skills, and gifts so that I could do all those things that were written into my story before I was even born.

Even in the gifts, even in the Blessings, even in the self-actualizing, fulfilling, amazing moments in life there will be obstacles, there will be challenges, there will be negativity - but when you're doing something that allows you to be uniquely you, it's so worth it.

Some people don't have it yet.  Some people don't have the answer to the questions - What are you passionate about? What makes it all worthwhile for you? What's your purpose?

There are levels of answers.  We have spheres of influence.  We have to interact with people to whom we mean the world, we are neighbors to people who we may know only for a moment, we are the child of Love walking though existence with an awareness of the Sacrifice he sent for us - specifically, not generally - meant to fulfill timeless purposes.

I'm here to be mama bear to little lady and to my hubby in a way that only I can.  I'm here to look in a client's eyes or a juror's eyes in a way that only I can. I'm here to carry a spark of the Divine in a way that only I can.

It's ok if you haven't found that passion yet - that completeness - that meaning.  It doesn't mean there isn't such a thing in store for you.  A gift may be only a gift that lasts for a season.  There may be various destinations along this journey.  Maybe you had a season of Blessing and now you are in transition.  Keep yearning.  Keep searching.  Keep experimenting.  Keep stepping out of your comfort zone.  Keep surrendering to something larger than yourself.  There is something(s) to be found that is worth fighting for.