Praying

Every day I have something meaningful and important to be dedicated to, to improve for, to be thankful for.

It's been easy for me to go to God with my needs for so long now.  I need a better job.  I need to be close to my family again.  I need to survive law school.  I have sought him for comfort, care, peace for so many years.

Is that all He wants from us?  Should our conversations with God center around asking for more, more, and more of what we think we need?

I pray differently now that I realize what's precious.  My pastor set out a means to pray that really makes sense to me.

ACTS
Adoration: seeing a glimpse of Him in His majesty
Confession: being self-aware of my struggles, shortcomings, and areas needing improvement
Thanksgiving: for every moment, for every opportunity, for one more day that I get to be a mom
Supplication: coming full circle from realizing God's goodness, seeing where I need more of Him, seeing where He needs more from me, and asking that His will be done

It's clearer now - how to go to God with that heart, with that mindset, filled with the gift of perspective for all that He has given me, all that He is, and all that He has in store for me.

Two Beings, One Body

I carried her for forty weeks.
In that time I became twice the woman I was before.

Before, I lived for me.  I angered when someone offended me, I hurt when someone betrayed me, I rejoiced in my own accomplishments, I planned for my own future.

In forty weeks I became two.

Half of my heart lives on as it did before.  I seek satisfaction, peace, accomplishment, joy, love.

Half of my heart is her every step, her every breath, her every accomplishment.  I didn't just create her during that time.  Yes, her cells divided and multiplied.  I too divided and multiplied.  Every fiber of my being went from being wholly mine to being wholly hers as well.  I'd do anything for her.  I'd risk anything for her.

I live on as before.
A whole new me lives on too.  A whole me that knows nothing but devote to her.  She is satisfaction.  She is peace.  She is accomplishment.  She is joy.  She is love.  She is my wonderful everything but I remain whole for her.

She'll grow up.  She'll need me less.  God willing, she will become two one day.
I'll always be here.  Whole.  Everything I was before she arrived.  And so much more.

The Absurd Promise of Happiness

There is a shiny, colorful, enticing world out there.

Sometime I make it a couple of minutes into a commercial before I even know what product is being sold. Yes, we're sold items that meet our needs.  Yes, we're sold items that will be useful to us.  We're also sold a whole lot of fleeting pleasure with a promise of happiness.

Yes, the sound of that soda can popping open and the big smile on an actress' face after the first sip make me want a soda, but do I really want a soda?  Extra calories? Sugar crash? Teeth stains? No. No, I don't want a soda.

What are we really after? What interest are these marketing people really appealing to?
What I want is the image of happiness that is being sold.

We want happiness, satisfaction, and contentment.
Where do we go to get these things?
If we continue to reach outwards to find these things they will always be just beyond our fingertips.  If we look inward, we will find exactly what we are looking for.

Inside is our skill set.  Inside is our drive.  Inside is our purpose.  Inside is the spark of the Divine.  Inside is everything we need to develop satisfying relationships with our family, our friends, and our Lord.  Inside is what we need to wake up each day, set a goal, work hard, and earn a sense of accomplishment.

What is your skill set?  Why are you here?  What feels true, natural, and real to you?  What are you proud of? In who's company do you feel fulfilled?

Happiness is real.  It is not a destination but it is something that can be continually replenished.  If we habitually and repeatedly look inward we won't be distracted by the shiny fleeting things and will keep our eyes on the things that satisfy.

A Joyful World

A leaf is a fun new toy that needs to be twirled, waved around, and tossed into the wind.

The sound of the vacuum is delightful music that needs to be rocked to, bounced to, and danced to.

Each passing stranger deserves a smile, a wave, and eye contact.

A bite of "adult" food warrants celebration, an "mmm", and a victory lap.

Each toy must be cuddled, carried, and blessed with a dozen kisses.

I'm her mother.  Of course I strive to teach her everything from simple tasks to larger concepts daily.  But sometimes I just need to sit back and learn.  She doesn't mean to teach me.  She doesn't intentionally set out to help me better understand how to live.  But there is so much that I can learn from her.

I pray that we each learn how to see the world with a joyful heart.  I pray that we each learn to enjoy the simple happy moments instead of dwelling on our greater concerns.  I pray that we learn the positive effect that we can have on others by exhibiting our own joyfulness.

I will be happy when...

I will be happy when I'm a size 4.
I will be happy when I pay off my student loans.
I will be happy when I get married.
I will be happy when I finish college.

There will always be a "when I....".

We can't allow our hopes for the future to rob us of the present opportunity for joy, happiness, and satisfaction.  This kind of thinking results from prioritizing what we don't have over what we do have and/or prioritizing what we want to be over what we are.

There's nothing wrong with wanting progress.  There's nothing wrong with working hard to accomplish goals. But when we delay our happiness, stifling it in the present moment, feeling that we are not entitled to it "until x", then we miss some of life's greatest opportunities.

If you aren't happy now, do you really believe that you "will be happy when..."?  If you aren't happy with what you have now, will some one other factor make all of the difference?

Yes, we all have things to strive for.  Yes, we have opportunities to improve ourselves and to improve our lives.  But we will never arrive at some magical point where things couldn't be "better".  Frankly, the people in my life have it very well.  We have the love of our friends and family.  We have health.  Most of us have a job to go to in the morning or the qualifications to get one if we needed it.  The fact that we have an actual opportunity for a better future is a gift in itself.

There's a peace and a stillness that comes from gratitude.  There's an opportunity to turn down yearnings for more and to fully experience what is in our present.  There's a great sense of fulfillment that we can experience when we step back, gain perspective, and realize the value of all of the blessings in our life.

What do you have to be thankful for today?  Who's love have you taken for granted?  What job have you not made the most of?  What present level of stability have you failed to acknowledge as a blessing?

Can we stop focusing on "when I" and appreciate what we have now?

The First Year

I'm thankful for y'all- 
I'm thankful for every prayer & for every word of comfort we've received along the way. 

I'm thankful for each word of advice & encouragement. 

I'm thankful for the times Ryan & I could rest knowing that Alessandra was in good hands. 

I'm thankful for all of the generosity & that she's been given everything she needs. 

I'm thankful for every moment we've been able to accomplish, achieve & succeed in our ambitions knowing that our family was caring for Alessandra.

I'm thankful for the joys-
The first time I saw her. Her first smile. The snuggles. The determination. The first steps. Her dancing. Overcoming challenges. Hearing her laughter. Feeling so proud.

I'm thankful for God's love-
We love her with an active love. So much of our activity is fueled by our desire to give her the best environment possible. We encourage her. We protect her. We nurture her. We challenge her. We're always here for her. Experiencing this beautiful love gives us just a glimpse of the wonderful love that our God has for us. 

My wonderful little girl. I thank God for you.

To Solid Foods and Beyond!

How fitting that Alessandra turns 1 year old on August 7 - the final day of World Breastfeeding Week.
http://worldbreastfeedingweek.org/

There are so many moments I am going to miss from Alessandra's first year but I am so relieved to finally reach the end of this enormous project.  No more breastmilk!

Before Alessandra was born I set out to breastfeed for a year.  I've met several obstacles along the way including low milk supply (exacerbated by any attempts to lose weight), inability to latch, and so many challenges finding the time, place, and courtesy of others to accommodate my desire to give Alessandra breastmilk.

So many mommas ask me - Don't you want to quit? Aren't you tired of it?
Yes! It would be nice not to have to do this anymore.  It would be nice not to have to eat veggies and to only eat chocolate.  It would be nice to lounge on the couch having a beer instead of getting up and exercising.  It would be nice to do many things which aren't what's best for me or what is best for Alessandra.  This whole ordeal hasn't been easy but I try to wake up every day and do what's best for my family.  This is part of that effort.  I honestly think the best thing for Alessandra's health was for her to receive my milk during her first year.

Whether a momma is breastfeeding or pumping it's quite the undertaking. I have so much respect for the process now that I've been through it.

She has eight teeth now.  Since she got the hang of solids, she has never refused a food outright. I'm very blessed that we can rely on food for Alessandra's future nutritional needs but I'm glad I was able to give her this benefit in the first year.

My precious girl.  We reach another milestone.  Please don't grow up too fast.