And I Love Her

The moment I saw Alessandra- just her little hand reaching to the sky while the doctor was working on her - I immediately felt a thousand feelings and thought a thousand thoughts about her.  I know I'm supposed to love her.  I know it's my responsibility to take care of her.  My feelings go beyond that.  I want to take care of her.  I want to protect her.  I want for her to always know she's loved.  She's the sun in my sky.

Being a parent pushes you past your comfort zone.  Being a parent makes you grow.  It makes you humble.  It makes you walk around the world feeling so vulnerable because the thing that matters most to you isn't simple.  She's not a machine - she's not a formula - she's not predictable.  She's a human being and bring all the complexities that come with it.

I do my best for her.  I've always thought that if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well and Alessandra has brought that to a whole new level.  So many people offer me advice.  Some of the people that offer me advice have made a mess of their own lives and I have a hard time taking them seriously.  But I even have trouble accepting advice from the people who I love, respect, and admire the most.  I realize though that it's not their advice that bothers me.  It's not that I don't think they have valuable information to share.  It's just that I struggle with feeling like people don't realize how much I care.  I love her.  I always want to do what is best for her.  I want to give her the best life possible.  I want to equip her for the future as much as possible.  I want to do not just what is easy for me or what is comfortable for her - I will set those things aside if doing something difficult for me or challenging for her helps her be her best.  My real struggle isn't about accepting people's advice, it's with feeling criticized.  I'm struggling with learning the appropriate way to take people's advice.

When I step back and think about it, the most likely reason that people are giving me advice is that they genuinely want to help.  They realize they have information that I don't have.  They want to ensure that Alessandra gets whats best for her.  They want to offer me something that is helpful.
My pride gets in the way of seeing that when I am in the moment.  I feel criticized.  I feel like someone is giving me advice because they don't think I bothered to figure something out for myself.  I feel like someone is accusing me of not caring about her enough - about not loving her enough.  That's whats hard for me to take.

I surround myself with people that I love and respect.  I invite them to be in my daughter's life because I know they are a positive force in my own life and that Alessandra will be better off for knowing them.  I just want people to see the inverse.  I love her.  I am committed to her well-being.  I listen to everyone's advice - I do my own research - I listen to my own intuition - I pay attention to how Alessandra responds to what I do.  I want nothing but the best for her.  I love her.  I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.

I just need to wrap my head around the fact that people can offer advice without criticizing me as a parent and without thinking that I don't love her.  They just have something to offer that is helpful.  It's not about me.  It's about her.  It's about doing what is best for her.

Answered Prayers

When Ryan informed me that he was sick & I realized that around the time he was likely to recover he'd be out of town on a work trip, I felt a sinking feeling in my gut.  How am I going to do mom's job and dad's job until Ryan is well and present?!  I reached out to my family and to the mom's group that I recently joined asking both for help and for prayers.
Clearly I'm not a single mom. We're a dual income happily married couple raising our precious daughter together in our beautiful house.  We honestly have little hardship to speak of. However, with hubby being sick for days & leaving for a five day business trip, I got the tiniest peak into what it would be like to have to do this alone. We've kept Ryan away from Alessandra (and me) so that his cold doesn't spread & I've had to work so much harder to take on his tasks in addition to my own.  There's nothing like going without Ryan's help to realize how much he does for  us!! It's taken a great deal of planning to ensure that pumping, feeding, meal prep, bottle cleaning, etc. is all taken care of & that Alessandra gets the full attention that she deserves. There were a couple of times this week that I had to multiple task and a few times that things got put off for the next day. I really don't know how some moms do this without help from dad!  Typically Ryan does the dishes, washes laundry, grocery shops, and does various other tasks that free me up to do the hands on tasks with Alessandra such as feeding & diapering. It's been a bit overwhelming trying to take care of these things without Ryan and that's even with the benefit if our families.
Wonderful family! Everyone has taken a turn in helping out this week and I appreciate it greatly. My dad watched Alessandra twice so I could do chores & eat, my sister and brother-in-law took on a shift so that I was able to take a nap, my sister visited again so I could finish chores and brought me dinner, and my mother-in-law watched Alessandra so I could get clothes for my return to work next week. I don't know how I would have survived the week without so much help. Alessandra demands so much of my time & Ryan's help is what usually makes it possible for me to take care of my own needs. This whole experience without Ryan's help really makes me appreciate what I have. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a huge support system.

Grandma Hernandez cuddling with Alessandra.

Grandpa Hernandez is so comfy he always gets Alessandra to sleep.

Grandma Gosewehr getting to visit with Alessandra in her own home.

Tia Susie & Alessandra poolside.  Susie is probably plotting to kidnap Alessandra.

...This week I have to return to work while Ryan is out of state until Friday! I know I can do it because my family has already stepped up to help. I sure am looking forward to having Ryan back in town & in good health!!

Family Love

When I decided that I may want to start a family it immediately became important to me to ensure that my child would have access to all the love that extended family has to offer.  I saw the strong bond my nephews developed with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and wanted to ensure that my child got to experience that as well.  I didn't necessarily need to live "down the street" from family but I definitely wanted family to be close enough for a road-trip or weekend visit.
Everything lined up beautifully so that Ryan and I both ended up with jobs very close to both sides of the family.  We are now living within a 5 mile radius of both sets of grandparents as well as living close to both of my sisters and their families. I am amazed by how much everyone in the family loves Alessandra and how much they do for our family.  I appreciate the various gifts they've given her, the times they've helped Ryan and me so that we're better able to care for her, and I'm especially thankful for all the times they have visited her so that she knows what a big family is present and ready to love and care for her.  Right now she is little and not fully aware of the details of what goes on around her.  But as she gets older she will create memories with her family and she will have thousands of pictures to look back on and know that her family has always been there for her.  The family met Alessandra before she even left the hospital!

Alessandra's Aunts overjoyed just moments after her birth.  They were present when she came into the world.

Grandma Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Grandpa Hernandez visiting at the hospital.

Gosewehr grandparents plus Daddy with Alessandra in the hospital.

The Greater Needs

Alessandra is growing like crazy!!  That means she is also very demanding!  She is a very sweet girl and, after hearing how other moms are faring, I've realized that she is a rather easy, predictable, "good" baby.  It's hard to admit that she's not as difficult as some other babies when most of my sleep is in two to three hour intervals, I eat most of my meals cold standing over the sink & I sometimes find it hard to squeeze in a full shower (my hair goes unwashed sometimes...).  But really about 95% of the time that she fusses all she needs is a diaper change, food, or her pacifier.  Her basic needs aren't so much complicated as they are demanding.  During the day we're on three hour cycles of feeding, pumping, diapering, soothing, etc. and in the evening she usually graciously extends those cycles to about five hours. It's a tough job.  I don't get weekends and evenings to recover or pursue other interests.  I'm hers around the clock.

I'm replaceable.  Anyone can meet those needs for Alessandra.  I can easily hire someone to meet her basic needs (hey, then I'd get some rest!) but I hope I offer Alessandra much more than that.  When I'm not physically taking care of her, usually during her naps, I am trying to figure out how to meet Alessandra's greater needs.

I often research or talk to other moms to try to find out what is best for her development.  Does crying it out benefit a child? When should I start tummy time? Should I help her to learn things or should I let her develop at her own pace?

I know there is no one-size-fits all answer to most parenting questions but I hope to learn from other people's wisdom and experiences.

The moments when I get to go beyond Alessandra's basic needs and meet her greater needs are my greatest joy.  I get so pumped up when I see her trying to do something that she previously couldn't.  I lay there on her mat during tummy time literally cheering her on and encouraging her as I see her try to lift her head, push up, or push forward.  I see her trying to fine tune her motor skills and figure out how to control her hands and make lots of excited noises so she knows mommy likes what she's doing.  I'm there to give her a big hug and many kisses when she gets so frustrated because she has tried to do something and failed.

Alessandra enjoying her swing.  It's one of her calm places.

 Alessandra on her first stroller walk around the neighborhood.  Grandpa joined us too.

 Alessandra learning to push up during her first tummy time.

I know these things don't change the world, but they get her one step closer to meeting her ultimate potential in life.  I want her to know from the start that I will always be there supporting her, cheering her on, and offering comfort when she needs it.

My goodness she meets my greater needs too.  I feel absolutely proud, excited, and happy with my life when she lets me just take it all in and enjoy her company.  It's such a blessing just holding her, putting on a good song, and swaying with her.  My precious little girl.  I know it won't last.  What lies ahead is great too.