Think About Such Things

Things have been difficult since November 22, but I find these moments of Beauty that sustain, motivate, encourage, and inspire me so that I can keep going through exhaustion, stress, and fear of the unknown.

My three year old has a mind and heart beyond her years.  Tonight, she oriented me in the right direction when, frankly, I felt tired, frustrated, and wanted nothing more than a break from it all.

Eva's recent illness has put me through many sleepless nights, lots of worry, a few trips to the doctor, fear for the worst, and generally has taken a toll on my day-to-day life.  If I didn't work for a firm as gracious as the one I'm at, I imagine I would have fared much worse in this particular period of time.  I am forever grateful that I have been able to be present for my baby through this time.

Tonight, I had enough of the worries and I had hubby administer our sweet Eva's breathing treatment.  It's hard to sit through your child's misery and I just wasn't feeling up for it. Ryan is as present and supportive of a spouse and father as one could hope for so he volunteered to administer the breathing treatment to Eva without hesitation.  I listened on through the baby monitor as he began the treatment.  I heard Eva began to whimper and whine. 

My heart breaks at hearing her cries.  I heard the loud and grating sounds of the breathing machine start pumping out medication.  And then I hear beauty and love through the voice of my little girl.

I heard Alessandra through the monitor.  

At first, she didn't understand what was going on, so she encouraged Ryan to stop the treatment.  She didn't want her baby sister to go through discomfort and confusion and asked Ryan to end it.

Once she understood that the treatment was for Eva's benefit, her goal changed.  Instead of having her heart set on ending the treatment, she focused on making the treatment as painless as possible. She tried to entertain, distract, and comfort Eva for those endless minutes through her breathing treatment.  

My sweet girl could have been downstairs playing with all the new toys Santa brought her.  She could have resented Eva for stealing all the parental attention - even if it was due to a hardship.  It never even crossed my dear Alessandra's mind to resent or ignore her little sister's hardship.  Instead, she took it upon herself to try to better the situation.

Here I am - 34 years old - sitting this round out, handing the reigns off to Ryan, praying to God, telling Him I just need a break from it all.  

Here is my 3 year old, stepping up to the plate, taking on someone else's problem, looking to protect her little sister or - at least - to find a way to alleviate her discomfort.

I thank God for the angels he has sent me.
Please God let me always be a worthy mother.

Philippians 4:8-
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Matthew 19:14-
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Que te Cuide Diosito

Alessandra is my little robot child.  We programmed her early on and now, if we just stick to the routine, she falls in line perfectly.  She slept through the night when she was a tiny baby.  She's always operated on a predictable schedule in a predictable routine.  To this day, she eats and sleeps on a very predictable schedule.

Her nightly routine is accomplished through a joint effort by Mama and Daddy (when I'm not out at work or attorney events...but that's for another post). Daddy gives her milk, brushes her teeth, changes her clothes, and reads her a book.  Once his portion of the routine is complete, I take over with a book or two, some songs, many many kisses, and blessings.

Each night, the last thing I say to her as I leave her room is "que to cuide Diosito".  For years she has accepted is a part of the routine and has never asked for an explanation.  Tonight, she finally asked me - "mama, what is that? what are you saying?"

How do you explain to your three year old that these four words are a simple and concise expression of my soul's cry that all be well with her for all time and in all ways.

-I'm asking God to watch over you.
-I won't always be there and I can't always see everything that you do, where you go, or what happens to you, but God can.
-I hope for your safety.
-I hope for your peace.
-I hope for your health.
-I hope that you flourish.
-I'm asking God for His help.

I prayed less before I had children.  But even now that I do have children, I realize there is something missing from my prayers.  There is something missing from my parenting altogether.  God hasn't given me charge over mere flesh and blood.  He has allowed me to participate in the growth, the flourishing, the teaching - the lives - of endless spiritual beings that He created with Intent and Purpose.

Recent events have brought to my attention just how much I try to take on the task of being a good parent in isolation.  Yes, I ask God for my children's health.  Yes, I ask God to help me be a good mother.
But how often do I pray for my children as spiritual beings?  How often do I ask God to be accessible to them?  How often do I pray that they experience the joy of a relationship with their Creator?

I send Alessandra to a Christian school each day, but do I receive her into a Christian home each evening?  She knows about spiritual matters, but how much is she hearing about spiritual matters from me?  Many people have interceded for her in prayer, but how often have I taken on the task?

I've taken it for granted that all is right with my child's Spirit.  The last 10 days or so have been a wake-up call for me to bring my children's most important well-being into focus and to address it purposefully.

I will continue to ask God to help me be a good mother.  I will begin more actively interceding for my children's Spirits. I am grateful that He has shown me one more way that I can do more for my children.

Little Mirrors

My two little ladies don't look a whole lot like each other.  I look at my sweet Alessandra and I see a reflection of myself.  She has my eyes, my dark hair, my big cheeks.

I look at my little Eva and I see someone quite different looking back at me.   She's just as sweet and just as beautiful as her sister, but she has her daddy's eyes, his coloring, his facial expressions.

It doesn't matter that one child looks like me and the other doesn't, when I look at them I see myself.

Children are an amazingly accurate and unforgiving mirror of your reality.

It's almost impossible to remain blissfully ignorant or oblivious to your bad habits, your shortcomings, your insecurities, your temper, your impatience, your loss of perspective, and every other bit of your humanity when you're in the presence of someone you love so much.
You know what you want to be for them and you know what you presently are.  You know that there is a chasm between what you wish to be for them and what you've been for them so far.

I want to give my girls my best.

My best doesn't come easy.  My best isn't something that happens naturally, effortlessly, or even consistently. My best requires working tirelessly.  My best requires acknowledging my weaknesses. My best requires learning from my mistakes.  My best requires humility.
It requires knowing that I'm the clay and, but for the Potter, I will never be the kind of mom, woman, example, or friend that I wish to be for my daughters.

My best requires consistently choosing the Good over the nice, the comfortable, and the easy.

My best requires losing myself and finding myself all at once.  Part of me is lost in the giving of my time, my energy, my thoughts, my hopes, my ambitions in giving myself over to love.  Part of me is found in the completeness, the purpose, the accomplishment, the satisfaction that comes from being love for them.

My little treasures.  My little mirrors.  Let me never lose sight of what matters.

Maternal Bliss

On July 7, 2017 we finally met the fourth and final member of our little family.
Evangeline "Eva" Aurora filled our hearts and our arms at an impressive 9 lbs 8 oz.

Isn't she a beauty!?

Pregnancy:
I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Evangeline in the same way I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy with Alessandra - feeling the minutes tick by, anxious to meet my little ladies, praying for a healthy baby and smooth delivery, and feeling the immense toll that pregnancy takes on my body in the final trimester.

Labor Begins:
I learned to fear and loathe the induction process with Alessandra so I was incredibly relieved when my water broke on its own in the wee hours of July 7.   Ryan and I ran around the house like crazy making sure all of our bags were packed and that we had everything we would need for the 3 day hospital stay. We're very blessed to have many family members nearby and my mother-in-law was at our house to watch Alessandra within 30 minutes of my water breaking.  I chose my sisters as my support people months in advance but, as they should, they have lives and commitments of their own. They both traveled out of town in the days before I went into labor.  I literally tracked my oldest sister through our iPhones right after my water broke and was so relieved to see that she was already on the road back to Dallas from Chicago by that point.

The car ride to the hospital felt incredibly long.  I wasn't in much pain. I was just excited, anxious, and ready to meet my little lady.  I called ahead and checked in and tried to mentally prepare for what was to come.  I labored for 24 hours with Alessandra.  I knew there was a good chance I would labor for several hours before meeting my new child, so I tried to get my head straight and prepare for the marathon ahead. I'm convinced that nothing can prepare you for childbirth.

Hospital Chaos:
We arrived at an overly crowded Labor & Delivery around 3am.  They didn't have a room for us so we waited in triage for an extended period of time.  Although I was certain that my water broke, they ran tests to make sure it was the real deal.  I was finally officially admitted to the hospital at 3:45am.  At around 5am I was finally admitted to a delivery room.  I felt so much more comfortable knowing that I could progress with labor in an individual room as opposed to a shared triage space.  At this point, I was in a comfortable space, my support people were nearby on-call, and I was ready to meet my little lady!

Labor:
I thought of myself as a strong person with a high pain tolerance until I went through labor with my first daughter.  I'm usually all about physical challenges, pushing my limits, and ignoring any desire to give up.  Labor is different.  I went into this labor with a mantra, with prayer, with much more control over my mind overall, but about six hours into the process I started to feel overwhelmed.  I requested medicine for the pain.  The hospital staff knew that I wanted as little intervention as possible and they never offered, pressured, or suggested anything that contravened my desires.  It sounds like a simple thing but I didn't feel like my wishes were honored in full during my first labor so this was a very welcome change.  During every step of the process- the nurses, anesthesiologist, ob/gyn- all made sure that I was informed about each option and medical intervention and only proceeded once my informed consent was received.  It was a very empowering labor.  It was my labor.  No one took control over it. I was in control of it.

I did it.  The hospital staff certainly helped.  My support people helped tremendously.  There were several times during labor that I had to close my eyes and just breathe and listen.  I tried to take the focus off everything I was feeling and just listen.  When I listened I heard nothing but encouragement and love. I heard my sisters' excitement that they would soon see their second niece come into the world. I heard my wonderful husband saying "you're doing great Hon".
I knew I was progressing.  I knew I was so close to meeting my daughter.  I blocked out all the fears, all the hesitations, all the concern for what might happen to me and was ready.

I pushed for mere minutes before finally hearing my tiniest lady's powerful cry.  All the fears about shoulder dystocia, baby getting stuck in my pelvis, a possible c-section, etc. were gone. Immediately upon Eva's birth, the room erupted with comments and jokes about her size.  She's a "rolly polly baby" (because she literally has half a dozen back rolls), "I bet she exceeds 4500 grams" (the cutoff at which many doctors will insist upon or require a c-section), "hurry up and clean her, I want to know how much she weighs".  Thank God.  She got her safe and I'm well on my way to a full recovery.

My family is complete.

Big Sister:
My little Alessandra has understandably struggled with her new role as a big sister.  Ryan and I adore her.  We spend countless hours thinking about her, planning for her, making sacrifices, changing jobs, reading books, talking to people, doing whatever we can to try to make choices that benefit her, to be caring and loving parents, and also to discipline her and prepare her for a challenging world.

We love Alessandra more than ever now, but she has to see us love someone else just as fiercely as we love her.  It can't be easy.  We try to let her express the big emotions she is experiencing, to nurture her as she adapts to changes, and to reassure her that our love for our new daughter takes nothing away from our love for her.  In some ways I know she gets it but the moments of doubt, fear, and jealousy are real and we will not diminish her experience.  We will support her and love her through this experience acknowledging that it isn't easy.

Most days Alessandra is our big helper. She gives her sister a pacifier to soothe her, she worries when she cries, and she sings to her as she sleeps. On the days when things aren't quite so sweet we just try to remember to love Alessandra even more gently than usual and to have realistic and age-appropriate expectations during this time of transition.

I don't know why God saw fit to make me a mother.  I cherish the privilege every day.  I have known no greater Joy.  I have known no greater Love.  I have known no greater Purpose.

I have known no other experience that sheds light so clearly on the Love that God has for us, His precious children, quite like being a parent.

He loves us in a way that is unfathomable. Loving our children merely gives us a glimpse, an idea, into what His Love is like.  I thank God for each and every day that I get to wake up, maybe even three or four times a night, and be a mother to two of His precious little children.

The Ordinary Days

I tend to write when I'm working through difficult emotions and/or difficult situations.  I've written very little in the last several months.  Honestly, I haven't written because I've  enjoyed and indulged in a time of peace.

There are often various sources of stress in my life:
- social expectations: business networking and enjoying time with friends,
- finances: buying a house, international travel, setting a budget,
- big decisions that can have a major impact on my family: selecting a school for Alessandra, finding a local church
- work/life balance: wanting my employer to know I'm committed and passionate about what I do, while knowing that I am irreplaceable to my family and that they will always be a priority,
- mental health: recurring bouts of depression and anxiety since I turned 13,
- etc.

Lately, none of my usual stressors have been causing me any problems.  I've found myself in a period of stability. There are a few things that prominently stand out in my mind about this period of stability.

One: My life choices got me here.

I chose to be with someone who is financially responsible, who encourages me to see my counselor and often goes to counseling with me, who looks after our home and our daughter - especially while I trudge through pregnancy, and who is generally good for me and good to me.  I struggled with co-dependency and self-destructive relationships for a long time and its nice to come home every evening knowing my partner through this life journey is such a blessing.
I planned well when making various financial decisions in the last several years so that we'd end up on a workable budget.  We've worked hard to pay down debts, avoid over-indulgence, and communicate openly about expenses so that finances aren't a constant worry.
I've learned to nurture and preserve social relationships that are enjoyable, beneficial, and/or otherwise meaningful for me and got rid of several toxic relationships.
I've taken risks in my career in the hopes of finding something that is a good fit for my lifestyle, skill set, and interests.

There is something really beautiful about feeling a sense of ownership over your present situation.  I know that much of my life was formed by my upbringing, my parents' endless devotion, my gracious and generous God, my good health, and even the privilege of getting to immigrate to America at a young age.  Even with those blessings, it was my responsibility to form my life into one with peace and stability and to avoid rash, short-sighted, self-indulgent, vain, or foolish decisions.  Whatever my life looks like, I take responsibility for it. It feels good to look at what I've helped build and to know I've made the most of my blessings.

Two: This wonderful & amazing period of stability in my life has allowed me to turn my focus outside of myself.

I've put the oxygen mask on my own face during this flight called life, and I'm now equipped to help my neighbor put their mask on.  By being less worried about myself, I can mentally and emotionally devote myself more fully to helping my friends through their tough times, helping clients deal with challenges, advancing the firm's goals, and just generally being a resource for other people.

It really makes me feel fulfilled and alive to be able to give of myself to others.

I love that my friends trust me enough to come to me when they go through difficulties.  I love that I get to work in an area of law where I'm fighting on behalf of others. I'm so relieved to be in a period of stability so that I can funnel my energy into being there for others and not spend all of my energy working through my own issues.

I'm going to make the most of this time of peace and stability.

Family of Four!!

I haven't posted an update in a few months... I stopped blogging right around the time we found out we are expecting our second baby!!

I know many women who handle pregnancy beautifully but I am not one of them.  I haven't felt well for the greater part of the last 3 months but I think I've finally reached a reprieve that should last for most of the second trimester.

We're due July 11 and there is so much we need to do to prepare for the new baby's arrival.  Of course we will need to purchase some baby essentials, transform a spare bedroom into the nursery, and prepare Alessandra's big-girl room.

We will also need to mentally prepare the whole family for the new arrival!

Alessandra is not excited about the new addition at this time.  She keeps telling me "no baby" and is not excited about the thought of a little brother or little sister.  I've seen her interact with other kids though - little babies and older kids - and I know that once the baby arrives she will be more excited about her new buddy.  She is very used to having all of mama and daddy's love and attention so I'm already looking into ways to ensure that she feels happy and open to the upcoming changes.  I've even talked to my counselor about some tips and techniques to help ease the transition.  I'm hoping for the best but trying to prepare for a bit of potential heartache on Alessandra's part.  I think the transition will be difficult but in the long run she is going to love having a sibling to play with.

I am a little freaked out about the new baby.  Alessandra is so self-sufficient, such a good sleeper, and is so easy to take care of all-around.  It's crazy to think I'm going to have a tiny baby that is fully dependent on me all over again.  We have to start from scratch with midnight feedings, sleep training, trying to figure out what is wrong with someone who can't talk, etc.  Despite the bits of fear and anxiety, I feel confident that I will be just fine with the second baby.  I know what I'm doing now that I've been through it all with Alessandra! Experience counts for something, right?

Ryan gets to endure the worst part of this transition now.  Life with a newborn isn't easy, and I'm sure the first few months following the birth will be difficult for him but I think the demands on his time and energy are at their worst while I'm pregnant!  I am so dependent on him when I don't feel well and he has had to pick up so much slack taking over many of my responsibilities from bathing Alessandra, to ensuring that dinner is on the table in the evenings, and trying to keep me as comfortable as possible despite the various pregnancy symptoms.  I am so blessed to have him in my life! I am sure he is looking forward to the new baby's arrival so he can have a healthy normal wife again.  Although he has such a good attitude and is such a wonderful dad and hubby, I'm sure he would love to take a nice long break from all of these demands.

We all have to be there for each other and this will make life even better for all of us.  We can't lose sight of what we already have just because we are undergoing a big change.  Alessandra will still receive so much love, encouragement, and she will always be my first baby, even if another little person has my love too. Ryan hoped for Alessandra to have a sibling for a long time and I know he is excited to have another little best-friend.  No one makes Alessandra smile quite like her daddy and I know Ryan will develop a special bond with the new baby too. I can't believe I will have a new person to love! The relationships with special people in my life are what give life meaning.  Everything else is transient and fleeting but my bonds with my family are what make life so special.  I can't wait to be someone else's mommy - responsible for their health, growth, and happiness.  We'll take good care of you New Baby!