"I don't have any college degrees, but I have 9."

My sister received her Master's Degree this weekend.  She is a mother of twins, works full-time as a teacher, and, like many of us, has many demands on her time.  My family attended the ceremony and we all got together to celebrate at my sister's home with lasagna, champagne, and cake once the ceremony was complete.

I couldn't be more proud of my sisters. Elisa earned her Master's Degree several years ago and now Susana has hers to.   I come home after working full-time, tend to only one child, and can't imagine having to go to school at this particular point in my life.  I think it is amazing that Susana made all the necessary sacrifices (time, money, rest sweet rest) to accomplish this huge goal in her life.  She isn't even finished yet!  She may take some time off first, but she plans to resume her education and complete her PhD.  I admire her for continuing to educate herself.  I thank God for giving her a husband that has supported her goals.  I cannot ignore the look of beaming pride on my mother's face after my mom received her "9
th college degree" - two for Susana, two for Elisa, two for me, and three for my dad.  This was as much my mom's accomplishment as it was my sister's.

Now that I'm a mother I see the world differently.  It takes a hundred good and selfless decisions each week to raise a decent human being.  It's demanding.  It's exhausting.  It's the BEST work God has entrusted to me in my life.  Yes, some people become amazing without a good mother.  The odds were against you.  Congratulations! How did you even do it?  The truth is, I don't know if I could have done it.

I look at what I've done, at what I've gone through, at what I strive for and I see my mother every step of the way.  She was there when I moved to American and didn't speak English.  She watched countless hours of American TV with me - Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, presidential speeches - hoping that I would pick up the English language quickly.  She attended American college in her 30s so she could learn English for the benefit of the entire family.  I remember my mom being there to tell me that other girls were just jealous of me or that they didn't understand me when I moved to a new school and soon made far fewer friends than enemies.  I remember when my first marriage fell apart, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, and I just couldn't find a way to go on.  My mother, first and foremost, was there to tell me to keep my eye on the prize.  I'm not sure I would have taken the bar exam if it wasn't for her expectations.

She's not my mother because she brought me into the world.  She is my mother because she has made me the woman I am today.

I will repay this great debt.  I will not repay it to my mother.  Yes, she is proud of me.  Yes, she has the peace of believing that, due to all that I have accomplished, I will always be ok - even when she is gone.  Yes, she deserves nothing more than my obedience, my admiration, and my love.


I won't repay the debt to her.  I will pay it forward.  I have a little girl of my own.

Little Lady

Alessandra is always in such a hurry to grow up.  She hit so many milestones ahead of schedule.  She's always been at the top of the growth charts.  I'm frequently left wondering - How did we get to this point so quickly?!  Where is my tiny baby girl?!

The next big milestone is on the horizon and I'm having trouble getting ready for it.

Alessandra is going to go to school/daycare.

I know Alessandra is ready for school.  She has been on a schedule since she was a couple of months old so falling into a school-day routine should be easy.  She greatly enjoys playing with other children so I'm sure she will enjoy having other kids her age to play with.  She loves music and I'm certain she will love singing Spanish songs and playing new instruments.

So what's the big deal?  Why do I have so much anxiety about this situation?

Put simply, I'm afraid of giving up control.  I like things just so.

I've been able to go to work without any issues for the past year and a half because I knew the kind of care that Alessandra was receiving every day.  Everyone who has watched Alessandra gave her foods that I approved of (with a few fun exceptions), made sure that Alessandra slept as much as I recommended, and took Alessandra to places that I approved of.  I felt like even though I was physically absent, my influence and my protectiveness over her still reached her through different people.

Simply put, the next phase involves less of me. Someone else came up with the curriculum.  Someone else came up with the schedule. Someone else decided how long she will nap and what food will be served at snack time.  So much less of what happens in her daily life will be up to me.

On some level I completely comprehend that other people can do a fine job helping to raise Alessandra even if their way of doing things is not much like mine.  I can be objective and know that she is receiving good care even though I didn't plan the specific day-to-day details of that care.  My mama heart just doesn't like letting go.

It is good for her to become more independent.  It is good for her to be around other children.  It is good for her to face new challenges and to have to adapt to a new environment.

I need to thank God for each day that has passed and believe and hope for the best in all the days to come.



POOL TIME!!!

Splashing around with Daddy!

The water from the fountain was so warm.

The beautiful eyes that melt my heart.