Love Everywhere

I remember wanting someone to love me for so long.  Even though my family was there for me, I really didn't understand that and I didn't know how to relate to them.  Instead of turning to people who were there for me, I surrounded myself with people who's lives were plagued with problems.  I would give and give without getting much back in return.  For some reason it never occurred to me that, instead of trying to force love out of the wrong people, I should find people who loved me as I was.

Things are so different now.  I have all these wonderful people to love.  My only problem, if it can even be called that, is finding enough time to bask in their love!

I had Alessandra with such high hopes of having something to offer her.  I wanted to be a great mom.  I felt ready to devote myself to someone else's well-being and happiness.  I could bring someone into the world and devote myself to bringing them up loved, cared for, protected, healthy.  I hope I'm giving her those things! But I know she gives me so much!  She brings me purpose.  She brings me joy.  She loves me.  I'm her mama and she knows it.

How can I ever feel lonely when this little person lights up my world with her smile.  How can I not feel connected to someone who seeks out my praise and encouragement every day.  How can I long for someone to want to spend time with me when I have her seeking me out at all times - even when I need to eat, shower, or otherwise be away from her.

Being parents has brought my relationship with Ryan to a whole new level.  From the start, from those early ultrasounds, he always devoted himself to being there for me 100% on the long painful journey to motherhood.  Now, he always does everything to ensure that Alessandra and I are taken care of.  It's sometimes in the little things like making sure I don't forget my lunch or that Alessandra always has her paci for the car ride.  Sometimes its the bigger things like, if at all possible, being present when Alessandra gets her shots so he can help soothe her...and being present for her shots in case I feel faint.  Sometimes its the great big things like encouraging me to take a massive pay cut because he wants time with me - and for Alessandra to get time with me - more than he wants extra spending money.

I receive a hundred acts of love a week.  Sure, we say I love you and we are an affectionate bunch, but that's not what I'm referring to.  I feel connected to people now. Our relationships are important to all parties involved.  Sharing moments together brings me so much joy. I love laughing together, dancing with each other, making silly faces, mimicking each other's babblings, having pillow fights, sitting by the pool watching birds, comforting each other through tough times, winding down together in the evenings into peaceful rest. Everything is better simply because Alessandra is there.  Every experience is more memorable just because the three of us share the experience as a family.

I love my hubby and baby. I haven't forgotten what life was like without them. I haven't forgotten the days when I just wanted to feel part of something greater than myself. I am thankful for every day with my two loves.

The Start & End of My Day

The people in my immediate surroundings have received the benefit of my love and attention much more so than ever now that I'm re-establishing balance in my life.  So what happens next?  It's going to be gradual but I'm looking for opportunities to involve myself in a greater community.  I have great sources of inspiration that power me through the day.  These things are a fueling a desire to reach out and affect lives beyond those of my friends and family.  I'm determined to get out there & find ways to help others.  I finally feel like I'm in the clear with my own family & I'm hoping to find ways to improve the lives of other children & families. There's only so much I can do, but even small differences are worth it. Lets make this happen!!

Mornings-

I've been listening to my podcasts at 5:45am while I prepare Alessandra's first bottle for the day and it helps tremendously to start my day off on the right foot.  It's easy to get caught up in the details and demands of the day and to lose sight of the big picture. Starting the day off with important life lessons helps keep the remainder of the day's adventures in perspective. I'm feeling so empowered and ready to give my best every day now that I've spent the morning in reflection and not busy with work.

Evenings-

During the week I get the largest chunk of time with Alessandra between 6pm and 8:30pm.  There's nothing that refreshes my soul and reminds me of what's important so much as that beautiful innocent excited smile. Sometimes the smile is directed at me, sometimes - oftentimes - it's directed at Daddy, and sometimes it has nothing to do with us but is just pure excitement.  Seeing her - she always makes me want to be a better person.  She always inspires me to do more.  As much as I want to inspire her, she is the one who inspires me.

My beautiful little love.  My reason for everything.