I woke up really early after about 6 hours of sleep & took a pregnancy test. I'm two days late & it was positive! I tried to go back to sleep in the guest room but my mind was racing. I fell asleep about two hours later but soon woke up when I heard that Ryan was awake. I told him to go to the bathroom. He went in, saw the test & came back with a small smile & lots of questions.
How dark was the blue line?
Yes, I'm sure it's positive.
I don't think he's afraid of having a baby. He's afraid something will go wrong & we'll be left hurting.
I've spent most of the day researching about pregnancy - whether I need to stop taking my meds, can I dye my hair, etc.
Ryan is predominantly expressing worry. He doesn't want people to feel sorry for us if it doesn't work out. He doesn't want to share the news with people until a doctor says everything is ok. He is concerned that I could have another ectopic. Part of me is just as afraid as he is & it's hard to get my hopes up. But I told myself I'd have a positive outlook when the time came. I re-read portions of an email that I had sent to Elisa a month ago after she gave me a rosary to pray with. It said:
"Even my old wounds feel like they have healed further. I used to only feel heartache when I thought about the ectopic. It was undoubtedly a loss and something painful, but now I am finally feeling gratitude for that experience. I thanked God for each day he gave me before the bad news. I'm grateful for each day where I was filled with joy and hope. I know that if he blesses me with another child, I will be thankful for each day that he lets us have together - even if that's 12 weeks of pregnancy or even if that's 80 years of life lived out face to face.
I had told myself so many times in the last year 'don't get too excited if you get pregnant, you don't know what might go wrong' or 'don't be too optimistic because you might be disappointed' and other things like that but praying and meditating on Jesus has reminded me that I'm not supposed to live in fear. I'm supposed to live with faith, hope, and love."
This is what I need right now. I need to maintain perspective. I was meant to live with faith, hope & love. I shared this with Ryan & I see that he's trying so hard to put the worries aside & be positive with me. He's here. He cares. He's trying. That's all I need right now from my Love.
I plan to take another test on Monday & schedule a doctor appointment at that time. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat & share the news with my family. I'm sleepy.
